Published December 4, 2007
Long,bare fingers extend
as the willow bends
then the twigs retract
agreeing to the winds pact
all comes and all goes
but the wind forever blows
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141,418 Literary Works • 674,396 Reviews
Hi! I'm new here, too, but I hope I can help.
Your poem is what I like to call a "cute poem" -- short and sweet. However, the poem feels incomplete: it feels like if you're just mentioning the wind, so you are not allowing the reader to experience it completely (5 senses and all.) But the poem has so much potential! Have you considered extending it?
And I agree with Colleen: it does feel like your forcing the word "retract."
You already have the appetizer, now lets get the main meal!
xoxox, toki
Hey, I see you're new, so welcome to YWS!
I think this poem is a little too straightforward to stand out much. You did a fair job on the rhyme scheme--good job not making it too obvious or childish-sounding. That's a difficult thing to pull off! The one thing that sounds forced is the word "retract."
But what is the significance of wind? What you've done so far, the description, is a beginning. You're getting at something with the line "all comes and all goes," but it's very broad and abstract.
I think this poem just needs to be set aside for a while so you can think about it. At the moment, it's a little generic, if you know what I mean. I feel like I've read it before because the description isn't all that original. Think about ways you could words differently to describe the movement of the tree or the wind.
Here are some articles I think would help you out:
Imagery by something euclidean
Poetry and Punctuation by Suzanne
Diction by me
Keep at it!
-Colleen