I walked inside my house after dance, hopefully finding my mom already asleep. My hope was waisted when I saw her waiting for me in the kitchen. My mom was the kind that could look just as good in designer name clothes as she does in a rob and hair curlers, But I can't. My mom lives her dream through me, though. She always wanted to be the tall elegant dancer, so as soon as I could walk she had me in dance classes.
I really enjoy dance, but I never had time to do anything besides it. I don't even if I would like anything else. I, unlike all the other teenagers, have never been to a football game.
"How did it go today?"she asked, already knowing my answer.
"Same as all ways, good," I said, giving her my regular reply.
"That's good."
"Yeah, I guess,"I said trying to find dinner.
A good meal only came once a day for me and I enjoyed it more than anything. For breakfast I eat a cereal bar, lunch is the schools food, and dinner is always good when I get home. Might be cold, but it's still good.
When I didn't offer anything to talk about, she left me in peace to eat. She was probably went to fix her hair so her horns wouldn't show. That's why her hair is always puffy, not because it looked good.
Don't get me wrong I love my mom to death, but that's just because I have to. She was nice, before I was born. It's really just the fact that she had to raise me on her own. My dad had died three weeks before I was born, and then my mom went into early labor. That's enough to make anyone bitter.
I really didn't miss growing up with a dad, just because I had no idea what it's like to grow up with a dad. It might of been kind of cool, you know having someone else around to talk to. Maybe, he would have kept us in one place, instead of moving around so much.
When I had finished my dinner, I went to room. I spent probably an average of five hours in my room every day, but most of it is spent sleeping. I had every thing in there. My computer, a television, cable, I even had every game system there is. The only thing I actually use is my computer, and I usually don't even use that.
Today, being a rare day that I use modern technology, I turned on my computer. As it loaded I open my bag and pulled out my homework. By time I have everything I needed, it was up and running. I went to my email first, finding that it's just about all junk mail, with one exception. I clicked on the email from an address I did not recognize. It was simple and there was not much to it. The subject just about explained it, "Just a question."
"Hi,
"Do you want to do something on Sunday? Like a couple? Something that doesn't include dancing?
"Tommy."
It wasn't total inspected but I was still shocked. I don't like the idea of a cyber relationship, so I didn't send anything back. I would talk to him tomorrow.
I shut down the computer, completely forgetting about my homework, and laid down on the bed. I knew it was possible that a relationship could throw everything out of the water. I still had to get into college and make something out of my life. He already got into a college and didn't have to worry about it. I knew my mom would completely disagree, so I decided that I would say yes.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
Hi!
Wow I really liked it, it was really good. please keep posting more, the ending was awesome, owever I think you should describe more the character, I would like to know better how she feels, does she feel lonely? why does she wants to throw everything away from dancing? and why, in the end, she says she's going to date Tommy because her mom will disagree?
I also think you moved everything to quickly, let the characters develop more
overall, I think it was really good, good job, you should keep posting more. and remember, let us know better the characters, you hardly described them
overall, you did a good job, a dialogues were good and fluent and it was nicely written, keep posting more. good job
Hi, there!
) I like the idea of conflict between career and love life, and it has potential, but I will say that you moved a deal too quickly.
First of all I just want to say that this is a very good idea for a story - it has a lot of potential for excellence and uniqueness. (yes, I know that's not even a word, but whatever, okay?
I read the first chapter (even though i didn't critique it) and I thought we hardly had a clue who the charecters are! We don't know them at all yet. We don't really care enough about them, we haven't formed any attachments too them, for their emotional conflicts to become real to us. We need to know who they really are before we can be truly interested and involved in what's going on in their life. So add more detail, more thoughts, more actions that make them real charecters to us! Everyone has habits, flaws, nervous tics and things about them that make them unique from every other romance charecter. Show us those things.
Wow, that sounds really cheesy when I write it down. Sorry.
I'll second the thought that the letter was a bit over the top with romantic goo. Try to think from a guy's point of view. Maybe if you have a brother or a guy friend you're comfortable with you could ask him if he's ever written a love note, or what he would write if he were writing one.
Your general pace was just a bit too fast. I think you could drag out the bit leading up to the note, have Tommy starting to act a little strange and different, have her noticing endearing things about him that she didn't notice before, etc. The readers are in the romance forum, which means we LIKE reading romance!!! People falling in love are what we're HERE for! So take advantage of your audience.
Argh, I'm blathering on and on about really general things - it's probably going to be hard for you to apply these in your story. Just some general, sweeping ideas. Your grammar seems to flow pretty well, and your dialogue is pretty natural.
Anyway, a good job overall! Just remember, all the stuff I've written here is totally personal opinion and you can totally disregard it and I won't be hurt. Pm me if you have any questions, complains or wish to cyber-bludgeon me over my cyber-head.
Yours ever,
~MademoiselleK
Ooooh the title drew me in!!! And the story didn't disapoint!!! :] I like it..... what are you reading my crit for? Get to work wirting the next one!!!!
-Max
This chapter was good but there was a couple things I need to mention.
Big Gap
Why is there such a big time space between the morning and the evening. You might have wanted it that way, but I just feel that there can be events between the morning and the evening.
A Tad Too Quick
I thought it was a bit forward that Lexi got the E-mail from Tommy by the second chapter. I think you should wait a couple more chapters and let the relationship bloom before the reader's eyes. There might have been something happening before the story began, but the reader has to see it. That IT is Tommy and Lexi's relationship.
Lack of Emotion
Lexi has a interesting personal life, but it never seems to show. She just floats though her life like nothing. Show some emotion. The happenings in her life makes your book a page turner already. That's half of the battle. To make up for the other half show how she is feeling because of it. Conflict is nothing without the emotion. With emotion conflict is conflict with robots for characters that have no motivation to be in a conflict.
Examples:
This is usually a big conflict cliche. Everyone uses it and it works if there was emotion behind it. This seem like she is just floating though like nothing is happening. You are living you mom's dream. How do you feel about it? Is it your dream?
Now this has to have emotion. This sets the ground on how Lexi's family situation is. How did this happen? How does Lexi feel? How does it affect Lexi's and her mother's reationship. But no feeling to it. It like watching someone walk past a lit candle and nitroglycerin being put together like it nothing. That would be a problem.
Why?
What is she giving up if she chooses one or another. How does it affect the story. The chose is more driving if the reader knows what is MC giving up.
Overall a good piece, but it would be excellent if you edited it to make the story a bit more beefy. One question though, why does the mother disapprove of Tommy? He is a dancer, right
Hi.
Before I start, you should know that you have to critique at least twice before each story you submit. That's why you've not got many reviews.
The dialogue, I thought, was so much better! It was much more real, and much more engaging. Part 2 beats Part 1 hands down... but that's not a good thing, as people will want Part 1 to hook them, to entice them.
Finally... the letter. I have to agree with Sam. It was supersupercheesy, so much that I winced. I feel bad saying this but if someone wrote that to me, I would never be able to look them in the eyes again. Even in a Jane Austen it would look vulgar. Try to be more subtle, more earnest; consider his feelings with delicacy, rather than churning out corny lines that have been used many times before.
Right, critique over. I'm sorry I got a bit carried away with my last point, but really... I still think it was good, otherwise.
Woah, bunnie! Hold your horses.
It usually takes a day to get a few critiques, maybe a little longer. Since you're new, it might help to get your name out there by critiquing a lot and introducing yourself. If it's been a couple days and still no one has given you a review, it might be time to check out the 'Will Review For Food' subforum under the Lounge.
Man, this girl is dedicated. I suppose I'm just not ambitious enough to have to give up everything for one person--but that's a really cool conflict. Psychological conflict is the best kind because it's something that your characters have no control over and have a lot of control over at the same time. It's a conflict in its definition, even. Awesome sauce, right?
Call me heartless, but I laughed out loud at that. Try to avoid the complete melodrama + sarcasm combo--it doesn't work well for Sam. ^_~
AND HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
There were a few lines in here that I really wanted to hear Lexi's thoughts about:
Does she think she would have liked dancing otherwise? Does she feel used? Has she ever tried any other hobbies/sports?
Does she ever get lonely? Does she feel like she's missing something?
HOLD UP THERE, PARDNER
How does she know that Tom "loves her more than anything"? Especially if it's her first love, there's going to be a certain element of uncertainty there that wouldn't be present if she's had several relationships. She doesn't know what it's like to be in love or to be loved, and so her declaring that she'd give up the opportunity of a lifetime for this guy she doesn't know a whole lot about beyond the fact that he's cute is a bit strange. You need to stretch out this part--the leading up to the romance. Otherwise, it just feels like we're diving in, only to come to the realization that someone's drained the pool.
MY DEAREST LEXI
...I'm kind of a dork. Love, Tommy.
Tommy, during his letter, sounds completely the fool. If that's the way he really is, then that's how it should stay--but then Lexi should react to it that way. Does his cheesiness make her smile? How does she know he's being serious? Does she think he's joking?
If you're writing a legitimate love-letter, you have to steer clear of the clichés. I don't like to badmouth Twilight in the romance forums, for fear of being mauled, but that's exactly what you don't want your writing to sound like. Edward's a sap. He's not a very good poet, and his sentiments come out like a Hallmark greeting card. He doesn't sound like a guy.
That's what you've got to do when you're writing a romance. Make your girly-boys into men. We can't have any of this androgynous love-poetry going on.
__
Thanks again for the read, bunnie_i_am! PM me when the next bit is up, if you please. ^_^