When I was around four or five years old,my grandmother was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer. Grandma was one of the only things in this world that made me feel worth something. She made me feel like life was worth living. My grandma knew that the cancer was progressively getting worse but she was the type who was too stubborn to admit that any outside help was needed. My mom and I pleaded with her over and over to let us send her to a hospital. Each and every time she grunted the word no and continued to tidy up the already spotless house she lived in. I knew she wanted to convince us and herself that she was okay. After a while her health started to get noticeably worse. She slept all the time yet dark shadows rested under her eyes as if she hadn’t slept for years. Her pale blue eyes looked almost translucent and her scalp had patches of baldness due to all of the throwing up. Even then she refused treatment, but we knew it wouldn’t help. It was too late.
The last time I saw her was the day she died. Mother dropped me off that day,so she could work until six in the afternoon at the hospital down the street. Grandma was on bed rest and couldn't move a muscle. She couldn’t even leave her bed and when my mom and I took her out of bed she always shrieked in pain. So we only got her up when we absolutely had to. I made her breakfast,something she could keep down. As I walked into her room I saw tears running down her ghostly face. Seeing her like that made me almost fall apart. Grandmother never cried. I quickly scurried to her bed and sat down beside her making sure not to sit on her twig like arms.
Brushing the thin white strands of her hair out of her face I whispered, “Grandma what’s wrong?”
She placed her flimsy hand on my lap and said, “ I won’t be here much longer dear. You and your mother both know this.”
She gazed directly into my eyes but I quickly looked away. After a long pause she continued, “ I’m so sorry that this had to happen,my Rose. There are so many things that I wish we could’ve done. I hate myself for not receiving the treatment in time…,”
Choking back tears I said, “ Grandma don’t say that please?”
She looked at me for a long while before she said, “Rosalina even though I’ll be gone, you shouldn’t be sad. There will be no more pain for me. Just peace. Everyone is happier when they die.”
I nodded even though what she'd said made me shake with fear and uncertainty. I wondered how someone could be happy when they were dead.
“Rosalina,I love you.” It sounded almost as if she had to force the words out of her mouth just as her body went limp.
I cried for days after she died but for months I wondered what happiness was like after death.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello, I've come to give you a review!
This is a lovely piece of work, very emotional - I love the ending ( you'll find out why soon )!
Now I noticed a lot of your commas were being sandwiched in between words. Maybe it was a typo, but just in case; you need a space after commas, like that<<
I had a question through the whole thing though, and that was simply... Why? What's the point of this prologue? It would be to boring for it to just be about her mourning, after her grandmothers death... So why? Well, You answered that with your little twist at the end ( awesome job )!
I think I know were you're going with this, and I LOVE it!!! Is she going to die or something so that she can find out what it's like?! That'd be cool.
One more quick suggestion; Rosalina calls her grandma, 'grandmother'. I don't think I know anyone who doesn't shorten it to 'grandma'... just thought you might want to give that a thought.
Anyways, I really liked this and I'm looking forward to reading more ( and seeing what you're going to do with it )! Keep it up!!!
-Socks
That was suppose to be a review... but oh well!
Hello! I'm Buggiedude2340, and I'm here to review!
First, you might want to clean up a little. You forget your spaces between sentences sometimes, and you're missing commas here and there.
Now for the next order of business. You start many of your sentences the same way. Try varying in sentence structure here and there. It often helps the flow of a piece and makes your writing seem more mature.
I would have done a little more description of sensory details, (or left them out in some places) just to help the story pop out, or keep it running smoothly. It's good know when to add lots of detail and when to abstain.
Also, due to the length, I would have added a little bit of a starter for what happens next, or give the story a starting place other than the prologue.
During the first and second paragraphs, I would also make the verbs more definite. You say 'could tell', but I would say 'knew'. Instead of 'decided to make a little breakfast', say she made the small breakfast.
Other than that, you're off to a strong start! I don't find too many stories about life that are as straight forward and... lifelike, as yours is already.
Great job!
Thanks! I'll fix it up.
Hi Bunnie! Pompadour here for a review!
So, first off, I'd like to say that it's nice to see something like this pop up again. And I mean really nice. The relationships people have with their grandparents has always struck me as a very solid base, a second home to rush to when you need to be comforted. Most stories depict a saucy grandma who's either completely off her rocker, insanely sharp or just plain annoying. We forget that these are people too, and no matter how old you get, you always make mistakes and blame yourselves when it comes to the consequences. So I was very pleased to find that YOUR grandma was chock full of character. She instantly drew me towards her. I felt like I could sympathize with Rosalina and feel her pain. So have a thumbs-up here.
There are a few things I'd like to point out, though, that could definitely help you improve your piece. There's a formatting problem for one, but you'll get used to the site soon enough so that isn't a big deal.
Then, over here:
"When I was younger (about 4 or 5) my grandmother was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer."
I feel this would be more effective if you began off as: "When I was around four or five years old, my grandmother..." The numbers create a rough look. So get rid of them.
Also, you haven't left spaces after periods in several sentences. You might want to look over that once.
Then there's the fact that you need to use commas in dialogues. If you don't then the words seem really rushed. Like here for example:
" “ I’m so sorry that this had to happen my Rose. "
This should be: " "I'm so sorry that this had to happen, my Rose."
And in several other places besides.
So, overall, this was really good. Your descriptions were just right - not too prosy but not shabby either. And the way you ended was awesome. You cried for days, but her words left an imprint on you forever. Awesome. Yep, definitely.
Keep up the good work, do keep revising, and I look forward to seeing more of this story soon!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Thanks for the help!