Published May 2, 2010
OK so Basically this is the second time i have posted this it didn't work the first time so I'm trying again. This is just an idea, I have started the first chapter but wanted to see what you thought before i posted the first chapter. 
Lex is a 17 year old girl who lives in sunny California, on the beach, usually with her Aunt and Uncle because her parents tour the world and can’t take Lex because of School. She loves art and aspires to go to art school even though her meddlesome Aunt and Uncle don’t approve, they thing everything should be logical and Just so. Lex has an older much achieved sister who is attending college for the “Dramatic Arts” as she likes to put it, oh so dramatically.
Asher is 18 years old just out of high school living on his own from the money his parents left him when they decided to move during his senior year to the East Coast for Business and didn’t want to up force him to move with them. Asher constantly is on the beach in the water with his board.
Lex is stoked that she will soon be turning 18 in six months and can move away from her aunt and uncles prying eyes and finally have some peace. She has been saving up all of her tips and pay checks from the local diner ever since she got a job there at 16 so when she finally moves away from this prison, as she liked to put it, she would have money for and apartment. But all of her plans get tossed in the blender and put on puree when she meets Asher. For little does she know that more is in store for her 18th birthday that the average teen. For in a not so real reality she is a mermaid.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well it is quite clear that we've got a bit of a plot summary of sorts or rather a premise judging from the first paragraph at least. Its perhaps not the most unique of idea here, at least on first glance, this does seem like a somewhat standard story here with the whole parents not being around, then this aunt and uncle plus the older sibling. At the moment it seems headed towards somewhat cliche territory, but let's see where we end up here.
Well we're moving to a different character who does seem like perhaps the conflict surrounding him will be somewhat more unique. That does bode a bit better for this story and hopefully some properly unique elements can sneak into there.
Hmm...that's an interesting twist. That makes this honestly pretty capable of passing as a bit of a blurb here. We've got enough mysterious information there to make you want to find out more. At any rate, this last paragraph really makes this much more interesting here with the mermaid reveal and such. It seemed like it was going to continue in that cliche direction for quite some time but I think you really saved things there on the ending...and with a little twist like that, well this does seem like it'd make for a story that I'd read at any rate.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Bluewaterlily at your service for a review.
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[quote="bumblebee99"]OK so Basically this is the second time i have posted this it didn't work the first time so I'm trying again. This is just an idea, I have started the first chapter but wanted to see what you thought before i posted the first chapter.
Lex is a 17 year old girl who lives in sunny California, on the beach, usually with her Aunt and Uncle,because her parents tour the world and can’t take Lex because of school. She loves art, and aspires to go to art school,even though her meddlesome Aunt and Uncle don’t approve, they thing everything should be logical and Just so. Lex has an older much achieved sister who is attending college for the “Dramatic Arts” as she likes to put it, oh so dramatically. I like this last part.
Asher is 18 years old,[/color]just out of high school and living on his own from the money his parents left him when they decided to move during his senior year to the East Coast for business and didn’t want to up force him to move with them. Run on sentence. [/color]Asher constantly is on the beach in the water with his board. I would put is before constantly.
Lex is stoked that she will soon be turning 18 in six months and can move away from her aunt and uncle`s prying eyes and finally have some peace. She has been saving up all of her tips and pay checks from the local diner ever since she got a job there at 16 so when she finally moves away from this prison, as she liked to put it, she would have money for and apartment. But all of her plans get tossed in the blender and put on puree when she meets Asher. This is a very original sentence; I like it. For little does she know that more is in store for her 18th birthday than the average teen. For in a not so real reality,she is a mermaid [quote]
Overall: This story shows a lot of promise. However, you are telling the story and not showing. Telling is basically like summarizing ,and readers will get bored at that. Readers will feel like their reading a textbook and not a story. Show us by the characters` actions and emotions. Show the readers how Lex`s aunt and uncle disapprove of her and why. Show how Lex and Asher feel when they meet each other. As for the last sentence in your story, let this be a surprise to the readers. Instead of readers expecting it, make it appear right out the blue. And about the girl discovering she is a mermaid, you have to be careful about this, so your story isn`t full of cliches. Their a good bit of fantasy stories where humans discover they are mermaids, and where mermaids and humans love each other. If you put your own original twist on the story, I think you`ll be okay.
Other comments: You had a few capitalization and punctuation errors, but they were minor and barely noticeable. Your spelling was perfect! And the title was very interesting; that was probably what caught my attention. I can`t wait to read more. If you have any questions are comments, please feel free to P.M .me.