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Sorry Mom

by bulletproof


"Damn mom stay out of my business you don't need to know every place that I go" yelled Sam.

"Go to your room you should have told me it is 3:30 in the morning I could do nothing but worry, go to your room we will talk in the morning" replies his mother.

Why she cant be like any other mom she never gets off my back. I hate her so much even if I did tell her where I was it would not have made a difference. I hope she dies then I could do whatever I wanted, that would be the good life. She is such a bitch sometimes I can't take it anymore she is only holding me back from my life and does nothing to try and fix it, I think I should run away then I would not have to worry about her nagging me any more. I don't know I'll think about it tomorrow not now jut time to sleep for me.

It is too hot to sleep, but what else can I do she wont let me do anything. What was that? The freaking bed is moving, it is falling "AHH HELP". All I could see was swirling lights pass my face and the wind flying by. When I landed I was on a dark street with lots of garbage every where and a couple bums curled in the corners of houses. I got up but as soon as I did a guy came and grabbed me and took me into a house.

I did not know weather to be screaming or struggling but I did neither because I was too afraid to even move. The guy threw me down in a chair and lit a candle. He closed the raged certain and sat down and stared at me. I was going to ask where I was but I was too afraid to make out noise. We sat there for a moment and he finally said something.

"Do you recognize me" asked the guy.

"No, where are we and why am I here" replied Sam.

"Sam you should know, remember the party, how you yelled at your mom" said the man.

"Yes so what she is a bad mother, how do you know my name" sniffles as he breathes in dust.

"No she is not she is all you have you can not sin her you must love her" yells the guy.

"I don't need to listen to you I have my own choices" Sam yells back.

"Yea I said the same exact thing" he says while closing his eyes

"What do you mean you are starting to freak me out" Sam replies with a confused look on his face.

"I thought you would recognize your self but then again you have lost most of your memory in the alcohol" the guy replies

"You sound crazy are you trying to say you are me" replies as he points to him ten back to himself.

"Bingo you win you are exactly right I'm you" replies Sam from the future

"You are a freak you must be out of your mind" Sam says.

"Look at me this is you if you stop loving your mom, not a very good life because if I am correct she will die when you are only seventeen and what are you now sixteen" asked future Sam.

"No you must be lying" yelled Sam.

"Nope look at the facts, you are right this is your life and you can choose how you live it and I will let you do that but now that you know what your hatred will lead to I can let you go home I have nothing else to say" said future Sam.

"You have got to be kidding me that is not true" snickered Sam.

"Fine need a little preview" asks future Sam

"Fine try me" laughed Sam

Then the room disappeared and he was gone when I looked down I was dressed all in black why? I was at a funeral, my own mothers funeral. I started to scream and ask how she died but their was no answers every one just kept weeping. Did I cause this was this all my fault? No that is nonsense how could I end up killing my own mother? Then I seen my future self behind everyone. I ran up to him and began to scream

"Is that enough proof for you" he asked.

"how could you, how could you kill her" screamed while crying.

"So you do care that is all I have to know" he smiled back.

Just the the falling began one more and the wind came and I was in mid fall. I was back in my room but how? Was it all a dream, no I know is wasn't. Even if it was it was way to hard to take lightly. Wait where is mom?

"Mom where are you I am so sorry I did not mean to say those things, I am so stupid" yelled Sam.

"Don't try to suck up, are you ready to tell me where you where you where".

"Yes mom I would love to" replied Sam while smiling.

"Ohh yea and, sorry mom" said Sam.


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90 Reviews


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Sun Nov 26, 2006 3:15 pm
RoxanneR says...



There needs to be more paragraph-definition in this story, and although you have tried to put some of the words onto new lines, it's still a bit confusing. Try double-spacing your paragraphs, and putting each new line of speech on a new line.

RR*




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Fri May 12, 2006 9:01 am
Icaruss wrote a review...



I can't believe GriffinKeeper was the first one who said it. This is a baaaad story. Wait. He... talked about bad writing conditions... OK. Then I'm probably the first one to say it out loud, but many of you were thinking it. I mean, things happen out of nowhere. It is like A Christmas Carol without punctuation, and... well... good writing. When you write a story, you need to lay things out for the reader in a coherent way. You can't just vomit the whole thing to him like a nine year old whose high on sugar. Why is he coming home at 3 in the morning? Why are ghosts coming out of nowhere? If Sam from the present was revindicated at the end, so his mom did die, wouldn't that mean that the Sam from the future would explode because of the complex foundations of the Grandfather Paradox? And who the hell is sniffling as he breathed the dust?

And then of course, there's the tenses, the sudden change of point of view, and just generally bad grammar. Are you really fourteen? Whatever. I don't care. And frankly, no-one will care about Sam either, if you don't improve your writing. Fast. I recommend level-one English classes. I know a great Kindergarten place.

Hah.

I'm just kidding. But not really. Joking, joking. But seriously, I do. Seriously, though, next time try to watch your grammar more (believe it or not it IS important), and try to think things through. I know what it's like to have a story, but not know how to reach the ending you want. Right now I got a huge fight-scene and stuff for my book going on in my head, but first I gotta finish writing the chapters that lead up to that huge fight-scene. You should do the same. Think about your conclusion, and the way you want it to happen. And then, instead of rushing towards it, write in a way it all fits in at the end. If that didn't make any sense at all, don't blame me. It's 3 30 in the morning (no, really) and I'm kinda drunk.

Good night.




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Tue May 09, 2006 12:05 am
Griffinkeeper wrote a review...



In general: Your structure is bad. This needs to be properly formatted into paragraphs, not the blob of text it is now. Also, how is this Action/Adventure? As far as I can tell, it doesn't involve either of these elements.

Sentences in trouble:

"Go to your room you should have told me it is 3:30 in the morning I could do nothing but worry, go to your room we will talk in the morning" replies his mother.


Problem 1: Run on sentence. Should be: "Go to your room. You should have told me. It is 3:30 in the morning. I could do nothing but worry, go to your room we will talk in the morning" replies his mother."

Problem 2: Repetition. She tells him to go to his room twice.

Problem 3: Bad dialogue. It sounds too forced, like you are trying to stuff too many details in.

Problem 4: Replies should be replied. This is in the past tense, so don't switch your tenses. It is one of the greatest sins you can commit.

Why she cant be like any other mom she never gets off my back.


Problem 5: Run on sentence: should be: "Why can't she be like any other mom? She never gets off my back."

Problem 6: No Apostrophe between n and t in "can't." Cant is a song, can't is a contraction for can not.

Problem 7: Viewpoint change again. This is cardinal sin. The inquisition is on the way.

This is just a couple sentences. Imagine my horror on seeing the rest of them.

Now, the story is this: A kid is mad when his mom interrogates him at 3:30 in the morning, believing she has no right to do so. So, when he goes to bed, he is whisked off to this alley where some bum grabs him and asks him if he hates his mother.

Is it just me, or is that last part kind of creepy?

Anyways, he says yes, but the bum disagrees with him. So he uses some sort of power to show him his mom's funeral, where the kid promptly breaks down. There is a teary reunion afterwards.

Could this be turned into a great story with the plot line it has now? No. The plot line itself will need to be heavily modified to make it even remotely believable. Too many things are left unexplained: why does the bed start flying around, who is the bum, and why does he give a care? The dialogue is fake, especially the mother's. If my mother caught me up at 3:30 in the morning, there would be hell to pay.

Your writing is in bad condition. You frequently write one sentence where two are needed, you switch the viewpoint of the story, not once, but twice. This is very bad grammatically speaking.




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Mon May 08, 2006 11:43 pm
little x soldier wrote a review...



I agree with all others above me but I wont be reviewing (a lot) because I can't.

I didn't understand the last pieces..

Wait where is mom?
"Mom where are you I am so sorry I did not mean to say those things, I am so stupid" yelled Sam.
"Don't try to suck up, are you ready to tell me where you where you where".
"Yes mom I would love to" replied Sam while smiling.
"Ohh yea and, sorry mom" said Sam.


'me where you where you where'?
I know that when someone else is 'talking', else than the one before, you can start a new sentence but I'm still not very sure who or/and who is actually talking...

The story is great. Future and so...

Keep on going with it!




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Mon May 08, 2006 10:50 pm
Jennafina wrote a review...



This was certantly interesting ;). Lol, it was funny. However, you have a lot of little errors that need to be fixed.


Punctuation! VERY important. :)

~A Lame Demonstration of Quote Punctuation~
"Boo," the ghost said.
"Boo!" the ghost said.
The ghost said "Boo!"
"Boo?" the ghost said.

After a quotation, you put a comma if it would have been a period.

"Damn mom stay out of my business you don't need to know every place that I go" yelled Sam.
This, depending on weather you want a period or an exclamation point, should look like this:
"Damn mom stay out of my business you don't need to know every place that I go," yelled Sam.
Or:
"Damn mom stay out of my business you don't need to know every place that I go!" yelled Sam.

Also, I think you should add a comma after 'Damn'.

Tenses- also very important.
"Go to your room you should have told me it is 3:30 in the morning I could do nothing but worry, go to your room we will talk in the morning" replies his mother.
This is in present tense. Either you should make the previous sentence in present tense (Turn yelled into yells), or make this one into past tense (turn 'replies' into 'replied').

Why she cant be like any other mom she never gets off my back.
*cough* Can't. Here, you change tenses. Either you're doing this from Sam's perspective, or you're not. Pick one, and stick with it! :)

[/b]




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Thu Apr 20, 2006 11:39 pm
Prosithion says...



It was good, but you have to do a lot of proofreading. I think it has the possibility to become a really good story.
However, I think there should be a lot more paragraphs in the story. =D>





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