Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I’m Amber. Amber Powers. My life isn’t the normal kind of life you know about. I’m the youngest out of my four sisters. Louisa is the eldest, but Cassie is the most responsible. Cassie is already a Mum to two-year-old Kieron, who in fact, now I mention it, is extremely good for his Mum. Me, not so much.

Anyway, Cassie is expecting a baby girl soon. She’s twenty-four weeks along, and I’m very excited for my third niece to come. I already have twin niece’s Katie and Bethanie, who belong to Louisa.

That reminds me, Louisa’s getting married in December to this really friendly guy called John. He already has a four-year-old little boy called Matthew and his work mates son is joining my school next term. I haven’t met him, but I can tell he’s going to be a nice boy. John has a good taste in friends, so I’m excited to see what this Taylor boy looks like. Only five more days until we return school. Wish me luck.

i like the way you writer, always -] keep going at it bc your rly good !

#0000FF ">First review on this site. I hope it isn't too bad and that it helps you out. Even just a little bit.

To start off, this is really info dumping; not really a good idea to dump all this info on the reader all at once. You should spread it out over the course of a few chapters instead of shoving it down our throat all at once.

I’m Amber. Amber Powers.#0000FF ">[This isn't all that great of a hook, or original, for that matter. The first sentence(s) of your story should be the most thought about, since it's what draws the reader in. Love her name, though. It makes me want to watch Austin Powers. xD] My life isn’t the normal kind of life you know about.#0000FF ">[My life definitely isn't "normal", either. But what I'm used to is normal to me. I think you should describe to the reader what Amber's impression of a normal life is.] I’m the youngest #0000FF ">out of my four sisters. Louisa is the eldest, but Cassie is the most responsible. #0000FF ">[You've heard of "show, don't tell", right? Well, this applies very much to this. You could show how Cassie is the most responsible, even though she isn't the eldest.] Cassie is already a Mum to two-year-old Kieron, who in fact, now #0000FF ">that I mention it, is extremely good for his Mum. Me, not so much.
Anyway, Cassie is expecting a baby girl soon. She’s twenty-four weeks along, and I’m very excited for my third niece to come. I already have twin niece#0000FF ">’s Katie and Bethanie, who belong to Louisa.
That reminds me, Louisa’s getting married in December to this really friendly guy called John. #0000FF ">[Again, show, don't tell.] He already has a four-year-old little boy called Matthew#0000FF ">, and his work mate#0000FF ">'s son is joining my school next term. I haven’t met him, but I can tell he’s going to be a nice boy. John has a good taste in friends, #0000FF ">[It's very obvious this boy is going to be the love interest. I think you should add a little more suspense when it comes to the romance.] so I’m excited to see what this Taylor boy looks#0000FF ">[whaaaaaaa??????? If he's nice, why would she care what he looks like? Again, this little line right here makes it obvious this boy is going to be the love interest.] like. Only five more days until we return school. Wish me luck.

Hello BugBug. Here to lend an honest review for you today (: First off, I would say even for a prologue this could be a lot longer. There wasn't that much depth to it. I didn't really get a taste for who your character was really. Mainly just her sisters and all these babies. But maybe that was what you were trying for. Even if so though, I think some more of your character should be included into this. The only real thing I picked up was the bit about the nephew being good toward his mother, whereas your character stands as the opposite. Had you included a bit more details like this, I think this would have been better.

Onto the nitpicking.

I’m Amber. Amber Powers. My life isn’t the normal kind of life you know about. #BF0000 ">("the normal kind of life you know about". I think you should alter this sentence. Tweak it to make it sound better. This doesn't quite go.) I’m the youngest out of my four sisters. #BF0000 ">(You could remove the "out" in this sentence. It's just an extra word.) Louisa is the eldest, but Cassie is the most responsible. Cassie is already a Mum to two-year-old Kieron, who in fact, now I mention it, #BF0000 ">(You should make this, "now that I mention it") is extremely good for his Mum. Me, not so much.
Anyway, Cassie is expecting a baby girl soon. She’s twenty-four weeks along, and I’m very excited for my third niece to come. I already have twin niece’s Katie and Bethanie, who belong to Louisa.
That reminds me, #BF0000 ">(Maybe change to, "Which reminds me".) Louisa’s getting married in December to this really friendly guy called John. He already has a four-year-old little boy called Matthew#BF0000 ">(,) and his work mate#BF0000 ">(')s son is joining my school next term. I haven’t met him, but I can tell he’s going to be a nice boy. John has a good taste in friends, so I’m excited to see what this Taylor boy looks like. #BF0000 ">(If she thinks he's going to be a nice boy because John has good taste in friends, wouldn't she just be excited just to see [i]what[/i] he's like? Not what he looks like?) Only five more days until we return school. Wish me luck.

Summer term, September 1st
8:00pm

I’m Amber. Amber Powers. My life isn’t the normal kind of life you know about. I’m the youngest out of my four sisters. Louisa is the eldest, but Cassie is the most responsible. Cassie is already a Mum to two-year-old Kieron, who in fact, now I mention it, is extremely good for his Mum. Me, not so much.

Anyway, Cassie is expecting a baby girl soon. She’s twenty-four weeks along, and I’m very excited for my third niece to come. I already have twin niece’s Katie and Bethanie, who belong to Louisa. That reminds me, Louisa’s getting married in December to this really friendly guy called John.

He already has a four-year-old little boy called Matthew and his work mates son is joining my school next term. I haven’t met him, but I can tell he’s going to be a nice boy. John has a good taste in friends, so I’m excited to see what this Taylor boy looks like. Only five more days until we return school. Wish me luck.