The old man's final moments

I like your poem, but the theme is what I love. I loved how a man can have his own life in just a day and how breathtaking life can be. Four stars!

But I think that you should put more pauses or rests in your poem since it's length just attacks, it has less suspense. But as I read it I trully understood the theme and your liked measurement.

Wow.
This is an amazing poem! You had amazing imagery and beautiful similies and metaphors.
It really gave me an idea of what it is like to be old, to yearn for youth, but be wise, at the same time. The old man in your poem reminds me of old men sitting on benches in parks, just sitting there the whole day. This poem made me think about what they're thinking! Maybe their remembering childhood, wars that they were in, lost love, lost youth, or just waiting for death. And it makes me want to ask them what they're thinking, and reach out. Reach out and comfort, hear them speak, or actually touch them: to feel how much the skin/clothing has been through. I want to help them with their pain. ...If it is pain. Maybe they're just watching the sun go down and up around....
Now, after my digression, back to the poem!
My favorite line is
"If only I could
Be a child again
Feel every blade of grass
Tickle my feet
As I run barefoot, full of energy
Until I stop and can run no more"

BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!

Thank you so much Buenno!
Love,
sionarama

p.s.
if I asked the old men at MY park what they were thinking, they'd call the cops

Thank you for the wonderful piece. I shall go and click on "follow" right about now :3 Just thought of saying that in the review cause it's kinda creepy reading "x is following you".

Hello there

First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here.

I thought this poem was absolutely lovely. I had a huge problem with the lack of punctuation. This actually drew some of the genius and emotion from the poem. But other than that you did good. There was great use of imagery through out the poem and I actually could picture or feel what being 'old' might be like.

Night is beautiful Sequin stars glittering

Dear retrodisco666

I thank you for your advice, especially on punctuation
But I have purposely skipped out on my commas because, well, I love to write my poems in short sentences mostly, and I find too many commas aesthetically ugly.

I intend for the reader to take breaths at the end of sentences, but i'm sorry if the intention never got through.

Hello and welcome to YWS.

This was a good piece, except one tiny problem. Where was the punctuation? Towards the end of the piece your emotion really builds and on one of your stanzas you have beautiful imagery but you don't take any of it in because the reader is gasping for breathe. Punctuate.

I write this now
Under the sunshine bright skies
The shade of a cedar tree
casting a cooling shadow
over me
As pen touches paper

I remember
Nostalgia of past summers
A movie played in rewind
Full of colour and life
Romance and Soul
I've been there once

If only I could
Be a child again
Feel every blade of grass
Tickle my feet
As I run barefoot, full of energy
Until I stop and can run no more

But I am old
Every inch of grace
Stolen by time
My body defeated
As moving is difficult
An everyday chore

Yet my heart is the same
Young and free
Still being able to imagine
uncorrupted dreams
Away from the realities and hardships
People face each day

Maybe not all of us should live life my way
As who is to be the adult
If everyone are to be like children
But we should remember
Who we were before who we are
We were all young once

The sun is setting
Wind is dancing through the leaves
A soft waltz of dusk
My time is nearly over now
It is dark
The azan can be heard nearby
As beautiful as ever
Even through these ancient ears

Night is beautiful
Sequin stars glittering
On her beautiful black dress
The Moon is shining, grinning
I smile back
and take my last breath