This is the first chapter I have read of this, so I am judging the writing not the story line.
We walked shoulder to shoulder, along the bank of the creek #FF0000 ">headed towards our friends.#0000BF "> <<<<<I personally find this a bit confusing. How about ‘facing our friends’ or ‘with our friends sat on the other side/at the end’? I kept my head down and #FF0000 ">starred <#0000BF "><<<< surely you mean ‘stared’ if you mean she is looking into the green creek. into the green creek avoiding their gaze, I knew the looks they would be giving me, confusion, sadness and even worse betrayal.
The green golden lake stretched vastly out along the beach like bank. It was a life force for everything around it, the animals, the trees, and even me. I felt the first tug towards #FF0000 ">it like it <#0000BF "><<<< you could rephrase this to avoid the two ‘it’s so close together. wanted me to jump in and become one with it, and leave all the pain behind. The more I looked upon it the more the idea in me was blossoming, just jump in its harmless, it will carry #FF0000 ">you to safety. To a place <<<#0000BF "><< I personally think these two sentences sound dis-jointed when they should be linked together. so unlike the world you live in now, a safe tranquil world, where love is infinite and pain is nonexistent.
Then suddenly I was falling, falling farther and farther into cold harsh water, #FF0000 ">until I was miles away from my friends and hope. I had nothing left to lose but my life itself#FF0000 ">; #0000BF ">semicolon instead of ‘and’ now it seemed that I was losing that along with everything else. The water beat against my lifeless body, and with each slap of the waves I lost more and more of #FF0000 ">myself, my mind, and my soul to the creature that #FF0000 ">fedthis tiny world around it, the creek. Then with no warning the harshness stopped, I was floating in the water suspended above the rocky bottom and the #FF0000 ">wavy top<<<<<#0000BF "> I think this part ruins the image because it sounds immature. I had no idea how long I stayed that way, minutes, hours, days#FF0000 ">. I had no judgment of time or anything but myself and the pain that was piercing through my mind. My vision was lost with every other part of me and all I could hear was the water around me#FF0000 ">. Yet <<#0000BF "><<< Stop this sentence here, and replace ‘but’ with ‘yet’ somehow I could see the darkness that was bursting within my head, slowly spreading and smothering the light#FF0000 ">; #0000BF "><<<<< Semi-colon instead of ‘and’ adding only darkness and turmoil. It was like sawdust slowly fertilizing my mind, telling me to give up, give in to it, the power, the darkness.
I was slowly losing the concept of reality. Is there even a me, maybe I have always been this way, empty, made of nothing but my mind, that has created me or the thing that I am. There is no pleasure, so therefore there is no pain. I am nothing more than a voice in the vast emptiness of nothing. NOTHING! I have made up everything I once knew, grass, chocolate, love. It was all in my mind#FF0000 ">. #0000BF "><<<<< Full stop. Split this sentence here. I have never felt anything good or bad, its all been an illusion.
“Erica! What the hell are you doing?!” I reeled back from the sound of Trish’s voice, it was like a cold slap to my hardened face.
“Uhh um sorry.” I didn’t even have much of an excuse that wouldn’t land me in a straight jacket with padded walls, but the thought of that safe, secure room was starting to sound more and more like good idea.
“Your starting to creep us out! Are you sure your okay?” Madeline asked as she moved towards #FF0000 ">me to support me, #0000BF "><<<<< The double ‘me’ can be avoided, how about ‘my limp lifeless self’? I was still feeling a bit disoriented from my day dream. There is no way that was a day dream, comma it was way too real.
I looked from Madeline’s soft but hard presence and #FF0000 ">the question mark on her face #0000BF "><<<<< why not try ‘the puzzling look on her face’?, to the rest of my friends that were mirroring her expression and then starring at Kellie, who looked a little dishevelled misspelling, corrected but not scared or confused, kind of like she was expecting it.
“Yes I am fine I was just day dreaming a little, I guess.” She’s meant to be a teenager right? Teens don’t speak in full sentences and words. Why not try: “Yeah, I’m fine. Was just day-dreaming a little, I guess.”
“That must have been some day dream, because your facial expressions were all whacked out.” Sophia said while looking at the water.
The walk back to the house was silent and eerie. The question that was floating around in everyone’s mind including me was, had I truly lost my mind#FF0000 ">? #0000BF ">Question mark means you’re asking the reader too.
After everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours I was ready to flee to Canada and start over anew. My family and friends all thought I needed to be on medication and I don’t blame them. Maybe my head injury had knocked something else loose in my head.
As I laid in bed #FF0000 ">staring at my blank ceiling I tried to imagine my future, but all I could see was a blank ceiling that I barely recognized anymore. I wanted to drift off to a sweet blissful dream but my eyelids never grew tired and my brain never stopped contemplating. I laid there silent and motionless for hours waiting for sleep to overcome and finally when I realized it wouldn’t, I decided to take a walk. I grabbed my pink cotton robe off the hook of my door, and threw on the slippers my grandma gave me a couple of Christmases back, and headed down the stairs.
As I walked through my vacant home I realized how scary it was at night. There was little light illuminating my path to the kitchen, I ran into the wall twice and was scared I might have woken my parents up. My luck must have been changing though, because nobody came down the stairs after me.
I fiddled for the light in the pantry moving both hands up and down the side walls, it took a while but finally I found the switch. I searched through the clutter to find a flashlight, but of course there wasn’t one in plain sight. If I was a flashlight where would I hide?
“Ahh! there you are, you little sneaky one you!” I said to myself as I found it behind the box of batteries.
I slowly and cautiously turned the dead bolt to the backdoor, trying not to make too much noise I opened the door and crept out into the crisp night air. I gradually closed the wooden door behind me, and made off towards the night. I wasn’t walking anywhere in specific, but later I would realize that it was not just a coincidence that I ended up on the same spot of the creek.
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I like this. I like this a lot. You do get the idea that she is slowly going mad! Gold star
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