Hello there bubblewrapped! By the way, I adore your username! Anywhoo, It's the Yubster here to review for you today!
The visual images created in the first half of the poem carries a flow of distant and all but forgotten memories to the front of my brain: splashing watered down paint onto large sheets of newspaper, fingering painting or drawing with chalk out on the sidewalk on a sweltering summer day.
"Do you remember?
I would dip my fingers
In the paint
Smear the colours across the paper
And call it art."
The way you described the beach with just a few simple words made me in vision a long, stretched out beach with the last rays of burnt sunlight staining the water lapping at the sand.
“The beach, pale and pure”
I loved those parts of the poems, but the rest of it kind of made me lose interest and become bored. Up to the part where it says, “And shared a little smile”, is truly an excellent masterpiece that anyone can see you put a bunch of careful thought and hard work into creating. But the rest was a little bit rough around the edges. Especially this next part; It didn’t reach out and grab me like the rest of your poem did, and I didn’t think it fit too well with the themes and ideas behind the poem.. If it were up to me, I would edit that part of the poem out completely, or at least make some significant changes. I will highlight all of the parts of this next section that I like, but the rest needs some serious attention (but not medical attention! Do not, I repeat do not, take it to a hospital emergency room!).
“When we were accused of getting old;
The grass, in the flush of summer
Staggering across the hill
Reminds me
Of the drunken soldiers you painted
Not so long ago
Their faces so bright and happy
They could have been going
To a party
Instead of to war.”
This next section made me pause and think for quite a long time. It’s very (and scarily) realistic. And I wish that it wasn’t true.
“All good things can end
Sometimes in sharp edges”
The idea behind this poem, “that there are some people who shouldn’t stand too close to the edge of a cliff because they might jump - not because they're suicidal, but to find out what it feels like”, is a creative and imaginative topic to delve into, and you did an excellent job of portraying all of the angles, especially in this last segment.
“Other times in opportunity -
And that there are some people (you included)
Who should never stand too close
In case they jump.”
If you ever re-do or add to this poem, send me a PM; I really want to see how this poem will finally end up. Don’t be discouraged if not everyone likes every little bit of everything you write. Keep up the good work writing and good luck!
Happy Review Day!
yubbies21
Points: 620
Reviews: 170
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