Innocent
I see you, little girl
sweet child, baby girl
and I watch your small heart breaking-
yet again.
you’re in my memories, little girl
my heart, my dreams, baby girl
the way they tore you up and
spat you out and
left you sitting there, my girl
I know, angel, don’t cry.
I see you, little girl
hear you, baby girl
I know you’re hurting and you don’t know why-
angel, I don’t know either.
hind-sight has nothing on the
first shock of despair
like they kicked you in the chest and
left you for dead, little girl
but you’re still breathing, baby girl
its okay.
hold on tight to me, little girl
and I’ll save you from the degradation
give you the grace, my girl,
to walk away.
they have no power over me.
- I havent actually finished this poem to my satisfaction. It started misbehaving and I'm not sure why. Its really more like a song or something and NO, IT IS NOT ABOUT PHYSICAL ABUSE. Its actually about something that happened to me when I was 12 that was so humiliating I dont think I ever actually got over it. The "I" in this poem is my grown-up self comforting my little-girl self. So this is basically catharsis, but I liked it and I'd like some help in polishing it. And yes, I stole the last line from Labyrinth. But it fits!
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Canary word: Present
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Heheh what can I say - I have a love/hate relationship with repetition....
I agree with Snoink about that part there. It does change suddenly and it caught me off guard. It's a very sweet peom though, and I personally like the repetition, it sort of ties it together.
I GET REVENGE ON THE UNIVERSE!
See, I once wrote a poem entitled My Child, and people's big complaint with it was that I repeated My Child too much, well...same situation applies. Just I get to tell them it! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
It's this part that seems a little strange, mostly because it differs from the rest of the poem:
hind-sight has nothing on the
first shock of despair
like they kicked you in the chest and
left you for dead, little girl
but you’re still breathing, baby girl
its okay.
Since that breaks up the flow of the poem, it jars the reader out of the style you set up.
Hope that helps. ^_^
this really sweet, like Blackdaisy said, and I think its intresting that the I is your grown up self comforting your younger self. its a bit repetitive since almost every line ends in "little Girl" or "baby girl," but thats also part of what makes it so sweet.
Personally I loved this, I don't know what you think is wrong with it. Its so sad, and sweet, but not only sweet. I liked how you made it so heartwrenching without ever actually saying what happened. The rhyming was great, it didn't seem forced at all. This is amazing. Great job.