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Dusk (STILL a working title)

by bubblewrapped


Dusk

hot pink lemonade bursts through the unquiet
hush of an early twilight humming with insect wings (mosquito’s
like fiberglass needles pinching plump peach skin) and
yes there is the creeper curling over the white picket fence
and the bleached purple sky sinking into an air full of
the smell of peanut-butter and honeysuckle on
hot stones, and an empty driveway crazy-paved with
memories; there are the drowsing dandelions weaving
drunken webs over bumps and cracks and empty spaces
beside a house of sighs and soft corners whose
paunch sags across a tangle-garden
into leaves of dreams and close-eyed Cyclops flowers
with drooping faces; there is the creaking porch step
the half-finished, rotting dining table and
the red-eyed window panes of the ending day and
here the curtains close upon a middle-aged home
with tiny sprawling bedrooms and a little bit of flab
around the edges and an unobtrusive address
as the residence of love.


Suggestions for improvement and title welcome! :D


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Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:59 am
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convintojm wrote a review...



i like it, but i'm not sure about the two ands in the last bit i think a comma or without and or the comma woudl be better (i know the horror of defying grammer i'm totally an anti comma person i think everyone should simply learn to read the invisible implied commas). so yeah that's my only thing now.




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Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:47 am
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bubblewrapped says...



Cheers, convintojm. I've altered 'despite itself' but I've just got in from an hour of hard work in the garden so dont expect any miracles.




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Mon Jan 24, 2005 12:56 am
convintojm says...



i liked the feel of it. i agree about the ending though. the despite doesn't fit. but i think you accomplished the feel you were going for quite well and since i dont' have any better suggestions i'm not going to say anything on the title.




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Mon Jan 24, 2005 12:45 am
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bubblewrapped says...



You're right, the flagrant rambling-ness was intentional. I was trying to scare up inspiration, LOL, as well as trying to write around someone chatting on the phone as well as several other distractions. I admit the ending is a little rushed. As for the title - I HATE IT...but what can you do? I cant think of anything better. Perhaps I shall simply change it to 'Dusk', and let the poem speak for itself. The ending is still undergoing revision but hopefully one day I will hit on the right note. At least I accomplished 'sweet'. Because said house IS 'sweet'. An cutesey. So...yeah.

:shock:

lol.




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Sun Jan 23, 2005 10:15 am
Incandescence wrote a review...



Very...sweet. It was flagrant, and I think you wanted that. However, the ending "despite itself," didn't quite fit. I asked myself: Did I think it was not a residence of love? Your images were too sickly sweet for it to be anything other than a love poem. Perhaps that was your intent, perhaps not. Modify the poem so that it fits the end, or modify the end (which would include all of removing "despite") to fit the poem. I dislike the title, it sounds too cutesy, for my tastes, and the poem was too cutesy for my tastes, but I said, "hey, why not?" Anyway, I'm not sure what to do with the title. Fixing the poem would make that much easier. No?





Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
— Pat Buchanan