Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic


Blue

by bubblewrapped


I'm not sure about this one - I think the last few lines could use a bit of work. Any suggestions?

Blue

I look down at your face -
Your perfect cheeks;
Your eyes, opening
For the very first time.
I watch your tiny hands
A paragon in miniature
Clutching indelicately at the curls
Of my damp hair.
What is it like to be you?
Cradled, safe and smelling of
Something I knew once,
A scent forgotten until now –
What is it like
To have the world revolve around you;
To be innocent of everything, except
Wanting to be loved?
And as I trace the contours
Of your beloved smile, I feel
That I could be newborn
My life an empty room, waiting
For your light to shine in;
And I wish that my eyes
Were that boundless shade
Of just-opening blue.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
758 Reviews


Points: 5890
Reviews: 758

Donate
Sun Aug 03, 2008 3:10 am
Cade says...



*Locked*

Some threads, like pie left a few months in back of the refrigerator, are simply too old to be revived.




User avatar
69 Reviews


Points: 1390
Reviews: 69

Donate
Sat Aug 02, 2008 5:23 pm
Anna Graham wrote a review...



I gotta say, this poem was perfect for me. You've managed to write something I've been trying to convey for a long time! Thanks!

As for the ugly thing, you're both right. I think, if the narrator loves the baby as much as the poem portrays, it can definitely be beautiful. Believe me, I thought the same thing when my nephew was born.

So, I'm not an extremely experienced writer like all your those who critiqued earlier seem to be, but I give your poem an A+!




User avatar
701 Reviews


Points: 10087
Reviews: 701

Donate
Fri Jan 07, 2005 2:11 am
bubblewrapped says...



Well Sam, I know I'm not supposed to argue with you, but I would like to point out for the record that things that are ugly can be beautiful - its all in the eye of the beholder. Ever heard of a technique called the 'unreliable narrator'? But I'm not going to say more. I'm really not having a good day, so I'll only rant at you and you dont deserve it. Thank you for the review.




User avatar
1258 Reviews


Points: 6090
Reviews: 1258

Donate
Thu Jan 06, 2005 3:32 am
View Likes
Sam wrote a review...



I think you just voiced aloud what everyone thinks...that, wouldn't it be great to be a newborn? Not caring about anything, not about how you looked, not about what others think about you. You just want to be fed and cuddled. I love the thing about the blue eyes...it reminds me of some pictures of myself as a baby...my eyes are turning green :cry: But, trust me, with two little brothers, newborns are NOT cute, you might want to change that to 'infant' or 'baby' or something like that. You go on about that beautiful smile and stuff...ain't happenin'...in real life, anyway. :D




User avatar
915 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 915

Donate
Wed Jan 05, 2005 12:16 am
Incandescence wrote a review...



I want to say it touched me, but I felt detatched from the whole thing. And yes, the ending should be strengthened for a more powerful clasp on your reader's emotions. You did a good job of conveying the innocence, but not so with conveying your want for it.

And I wish that my eyes/Were that boundless shade/Of just-opening blue.


And I wish my eyes were the
boundless shade of just-opening blue
fluttering to life in the flurry of reality.

Eh, I don't like that either. Anyway, you get the picture. I don't dislike it; in fact, I really wanted to like it more than I did. Like I said, I somehow felt detatched while reading it. I'll come back to it later tonight and see if it's any different. Keep writing, and if you think of something for a good ending, I'd like to read it.




User avatar
483 Reviews


Points: 4449
Reviews: 483

Donate
Sun Dec 19, 2004 10:37 pm
View Likes
Meshugenah says...



hum... i could have sworn i posted here. oh well. i really like it, bubble




User avatar
701 Reviews


Points: 10087
Reviews: 701

Donate
Sun Dec 19, 2004 10:35 pm
bubblewrapped says...



Thanks everyone...this is my favourite poem out of all the poems I've written so far. So I'm glad you like it just as much! :D
Cheers,
~bubble 8)




User avatar
594 Reviews


Points: 6831
Reviews: 594

Donate
Sun Dec 12, 2004 8:05 am
Crysi says...



Wow. Beautiful is right. It's so pure and innocent.. I love it. Definitely one of my favorite poems.




User avatar
72 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 72

Donate
Fri Dec 10, 2004 2:54 am
View Likes
A.O. Avalon says...



Boundless was bothering me, at first, but now it sounds right, go figure.




User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 6

Donate
Fri Dec 10, 2004 1:42 am
aisu_ookami says...



I like "boundless"...it carries with it the image of possibility, which fits well with a poem about a newborn. But those are just my thoughts :)




User avatar
18 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 18

Donate
Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:21 pm
penny says...



boundless i think definately works better...it's still kinda off though, but i can't really figure out what it is.




User avatar
701 Reviews


Points: 10087
Reviews: 701

Donate
Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:18 pm
bubblewrapped says...



I changed particular to boundless...dunno if it works any better though. Gah! I love the poem but I cant seem to...those last few lines...[wrestles with poem, which doesnt seem to want to behave] GAH, I say!




User avatar
221 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 221

Donate
Tue Dec 07, 2004 8:24 am
Elelel says...



Yes! This is good! Exactly what they said, and more but I can't think of good enough words...




User avatar
72 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 72

Donate
Tue Dec 07, 2004 7:25 am
A.O. Avalon says...



Bubble, this is beautiful. I don't have the words to describe the well of emotions it brought up in me. It could have easily been a clique fest, but instead it stayed honest and pure. Brava, my dear.




User avatar
18 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 18

Donate
Tue Dec 07, 2004 7:17 am
penny wrote a review...



oh, i love it. Your subject choice is unusually nice. You did a really nice job. You start with a description, and then the question "what is it like to be you" is perfectly placed. then an explaination. and then a comparison. I like how you turned it around from her/him being newborn, to you being the newborn and the baby being the light. I see what you mean about the end and i think it's the word "particular" that's bothering me. It doesn't really fit. hmm...maybe try "that perfect shade of just-opening blue" or...i think really anything along those lines of two syllables would work. i think it was the three syllables that made it disjointed. But it's a beautiful poem, really. I mean, you can't really call a lot of poems beautiful. there's a lot of really good poems, powerful poems, and other things. but this poem is truly beautiful. very nice job. I think this is my favorite of yours so far :wink: much love-penny





Nobody wants to see the village of the happy people.
— Lew Hunter