Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic


Anaesthetic

by bubblewrapped


Sometimes, I just dont get it...poems turn out so different than I intend! This one was about how sometimes I'm just insensitive to other people because I dont react as emotionally as they do. Is that what this poem says? Half the time I think I dont even know what I'm talking about....

Anaesthetic

I suppose that it’s the weather
making me so cold-
numbing the edges of my heart
and putting blinkers around my eyes
so I am groping, blind, like
the walking wounded.
I have a feeling that if I just
turned on the heater somewhere
I could melt the frost away
and hear my heart beating
the way it used to,
steady as the march of days.
It must be the weather
that is giving me goosebumps,
and that quiver in my gut, like
someone walked over my grave
because I’m a human being and
I must feel something
even if its just a breeze.
It certainly is the weather
because I can see my breath
feel the icicles on my nose and
the snow on my lashes
and the crack of brittle ice
in my voice, as I tell you
that you could crush my foot
as you passed
and I wouldn’t feel a thing.
I cant remember when exactly
hell froze over like this
so perhaps I have always been
anesthetized, an unwilling patient
in life’s eternal dentistry.
Or maybe
the seasons are changing,
the earth is turning, and
I suppose its just the weather
making me so cold.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
315 Reviews


Points: 62375
Reviews: 315

Donate
Wed Apr 07, 2010 9:55 pm
View Likes
Navita wrote a review...



I like your overall intention to portray insensitivity to others, without meaning to. I also think you tackled the matter in the expected way: coldenss - and though this might have detracted from your creativity, I think you've brought it up to speed with your interesting imagery and constant examples of how the weather is physically affecting you. I got a very, very cold feeling from reading this (ahem...I'm also sitting in a very cold room right now), but it was PHYSICALLY cold - I FEEL the cold in my BODY but not my HEART - I think this is because you've focussed perhaps a little too much on the physical effect of weather than the emotional cold-heartedness itself. I think an example of how you have been (or your character has been) unintentionally unemotional would lift this poem out of the snow, so to speak.

So...to cap off, in terms of achieving your purpose,I think that instead of portraying to us the carelessness of your unintentional lack of emotion and how it comes across to others, you have instead shown us how in denial you are, unwilling to accept that it is really you that's cold, and not the body by itself. I definitely think it needs perhaps less repetition of the physical cold-stuff, and more of the emotional cold-stuff. Nice title, by the way :)




User avatar
85 Reviews


Points: 5890
Reviews: 85

Donate
Sun Feb 13, 2005 3:31 am
faith says...



I liked this...it seemed almost repetitive with the cold cold cold imagery, but I found it very...soothing to read for some reason.




User avatar
221 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 221

Donate
Sun Feb 13, 2005 2:26 am
Elelel says...



Your muse is back! Yay!
I loved it! The rhythm was lovely, as usual, and I just liked the way you blamed or thought it might just be the weather and not you ... well, you know what I'm talking about!




User avatar
9 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 9

Donate
Sat Feb 12, 2005 2:58 pm
Shawn Mitchell says...



I think what was most effective was how you used your metaphors and personified everything. Your word choice was average, but the way you worded the words was spectacular. Lots of potential, and a great style... Nicely done.




User avatar
1259 Reviews


Points: 18178
Reviews: 1259

Donate
Sat Feb 12, 2005 2:45 pm
Firestarter says...



As always, bubble, this was excellent stuff. THe pace and rhythm was so good, and easy to read, that it made you fall into a trance when reading it.




User avatar
137 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 137

Donate
Sat Feb 12, 2005 3:03 am
View Likes
DarkerSarah wrote a review...



This poem is so very real. Its flow is so smooth and unstoppable. Absolute lovely.

because I’m a human being and
I must feel something
even if its just a breeze.

This is my favorite part.

I would offer corrections, but it's so hard to offer corrections to poetry, you know? Anyway, I don't see anything I would change.

-Sarah




User avatar
665 Reviews


Points: 6165
Reviews: 665

Donate
Fri Feb 04, 2005 12:48 pm
Chevy wrote a review...



because I’m a human being and
I must feel something
even if its just a breeze.


_____and_______

Or maybe
the seasons are changing,
the earth is turning, and
I suppose its just the weather
making me so cold.


These were my favorite parts...and perhaps the only parts I actually found myself enjoying. The rest of the poem just seemed like I was reading a chopped up story--or something out of someone's diary. I think the main problem was, you focused on every little thing so much, it was almost impossible keeping up.




User avatar
145 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 145

Donate
Fri Dec 17, 2004 7:07 pm
View Likes
Skye wrote a review...



This is really good. There is just one thing that I might have done differently.

I cant remember when exactly


I would have said "I can't remember exactly when" but that's just me. I don't know whether you wanted it to rhyme or not, and my way would have made it rhyme. But that's just one suggestion, overall it's really really good!




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 4

Donate
Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:43 am
rayannes life says...



i really like that i wish i was better at writing poetry like taht but i just cant make it flow...you do perfectly





I like to create sympathy for my characters, then set the monsters loose.
— Stephen King