A Drop of Water

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I'm not sure about this one. I've only just started to work with non-rhyming poetry (I used to hate blank verse, etc., coz it didnt rhyme..I cant believe myself, sometimes, since now I love it to death LOL). I just decided to put it in other because I wasnt sure where else it would go. Like most of my non-rhyming poetry, its more a flow-of-consciousness thing. I have no idea what it means, since its nothing like what I intended to write :roll: isnt it weird how that happens?

A Drop of Water

I am
A drop of water
Smooth, slick, sleek, sliding-
Life is my window
And I am on the outside, running down
Like a clock almost unwound; out of time
I am disconnected
Encased within myself
My senses are distorted by what I think I see
Meanwhile
You are my reflection
I see myself through your eyes
And I am
A drop of water
Sliding smoothly and unnoticed
Into the ocean of my dreams

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
Muse
Comment

I prefer the second one. It flows really well, which really suits what the poem is about..Yup, certainly very well written. Good work.

Random avatar
Elizabeth
Comment

I honestly liked them both. I have no comment aside from that but great job! I love water now :D

User avatar
bubblewrapped
Comment

Thanks for the advice guys! So you reckon it should read something like this...?

A Drop of Water

I am a drop of water
Life is my window
And I am on the outside, running down
Like a clock almost unwound; out of time
I am disconnected
Encased within myself
My senses are distorted by what I think I see
Meanwhile
You are my reflection
I see myself through your eyes
And I am
A drop of water
Sliding smoothly and unnoticed
Into the ocean of my dreams

User avatar
Elelel
Comment

I've only started writing poetry this month, so I'm not good at it, but I liked that! There were a few slight fixy up thingies that the others suggested that I would see to, but other than that, GREAT!

User avatar
Firestarter
Review

I agree with Dreami. Combine the first two lines.

I really liked the poem, like your others I have read, it flows well and the word choices are excellent.

The line "My senses are distorted by what I think I see" doesn't fit in my eyes. I'm not much of a poet, so I'm not good at suggesting what else to put in, but I think you should keep the sentiment but make it shorter.

But, I really enjoyed it. I'm almost beginning to enjoy poetry! (almost).

User avatar
Dreami
Review
Dreami wrote a review · Sat Nov 27, 2004 2:07 pm

Wow! Very nice, exspecially if this is one of your first few times writing non-ryming!The only area that needs work it this:

bubblewrapped wrote:I am
A drop of water
Smooth, slick, sleek, sliding-


You have to jump in more. Try combinding the first two lines, and I think it would sound better if you just got rid of the third line. 8)



The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians