These words crowd me
Pushing and shoving,
Fighting and screaming,
Their meaning into my head
In desperation
Their haggard arms reach out
Grasping my mind
Calling so painfully
To be written
My thoughts
So overwhelmed, give way
To feeling and feeling only
I watch
Dazed
As my hand writes
Lines of these words
That sigh so happily
To be put in place
That I smile
A simple smile
That shares their comfort
I hold the paper
Filled with satisfaction
And read
Those words
That now call out to my mind
Out of joy
Of their new found home
They smile
My heart fills
And I pick up a new piece
Of my undeserving paper
New words come
And I write again.
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Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
I Like it. You do seem to repeat yourself in different words over and over. Sometimes that works, but not here.
Main problem: You cannot string a bunch of loosely connected, weak phrases together and expect it to sound coherent. I think this is a problem lots of beginning poets make. Some people think it's poetic, but it's not. I have two suggestions:
1. Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation. You gotta play by the rules before you can break them.
2. Read your poem out loud. Do you have definite stops? Does everything make sense? Does it sound like a bunch of arbitrary phrases strung together?
Diction. The words here don't say all that much to me. I think it's a great idea to personify the words, but it would also help to describe them in a more interesting way. It's also a bit abstract in that sense; why not give the reader something concrete to hold on to? Think about where the speaker is sitting. What time of day is it? Does each word have a specific personality, or are they all just one hungry group? This reminds me of a very small part of "The Kugelmass Episode" by Woody Allen--I just read it for a Creative Writing project. This is how he finishes the story:
"Kugelmass, unaware of this catastrophe, had his own problems. He had not been thrust into 'Portnoy's Complaint,' or into any other novel, for that matter. He had been projected into an old textbook, 'Remedial Spanish,' and was running for his life over a barren, rocky terrain as the word 'tener' ('to have')--a large and hairy irregular verb--raced after him on its spindly legs."
He put a lot of thought into this description, no?
Keep working on it! I think all of us writers here can relate to what you're describing here.
Colleen
i like it.
The first thing I'd like to point out is a slight lack of punctuation. I know I'm forever nagging people about this but I really do think a poetry needs at least a little basic punctuation. A small dose of enjambement etc is great but the reader needs somewhere to breathe and it helps give meaning to the words.
The context of this poem is simple but enjoyable and I think everyone on this site can relate to it. I'm not sure about 'undeserving paper.' The line makes you sound a little big headed. Also, you use the word smile too often. Try and use 'grin' or some other way to convey the same meaning. I'm sure a thesaurus can give you more words than I can.
Another point is that your language is quite simple. Perhaps you should include more imagery seenas the poem is about writing and that means context, form, structure and language.
Overall, I enjoyed this piece but I think it could be improved but then what work can't be? Keep up the good work!
Heather xx