You wrote me love poems
They sounded so cliche
I never asked for more
But your words
Flew to me
I did not know
That I could be loved
I could not see
The poetry in me
You called me beautiful
From one picture, one smile
Thank you for the lies
We weren't ready for truth
We played a game
Of familiarity
So far away our dreams
That we created a new reality
Where you knew everything about me
And I didn't care that
It was just one conversation
Because to me and you
It was the world
I sit back and sigh
As your words unveil
A thousand things I'll never see
Helping my dreams become close
In this unreal reality
You say you know
But how can you?
So I lol,
And we're back
To this game, of guessing each others lives
I don't want it to end
Though the emoticon's waving goodbye
And the window's closed.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hmmm. My first point is that you have a lack of punctuation and should probably add more. I must agree with Whence on the starting with a cliche but I don't see how you could change it without adding another verse because that seems to be the very essence of that stanza. I like the idea of writing a poem about a conversation on msn and I can relate to the 'so I lol' That made me laugh actually because I've done it so many times when I haven't understood what they're saying, not believed them or just couldn't think of any way to continue the conversation. Such fragile bonds that tie us together... Anyway, it's a good attempt and the idea behind it is interesting and some of your language has the potential to be very effective like 'Thank you for the lies'
Hope I helped a little and keep writing!
I'm curious as to the correlation of the title...
But there were parts of this that were rather interesting.
I liked
"I could not see
The poetry in me "
^first line could be reworded, but the second's a nice idea.
You opened the poem with a cliche--
--not recommended.
It immediately turned me off from reading it. Also, the majority of this poem seems to be fluff; pointless lines that add nothing to the poem. Some even take away from it.