Published July 16, 2011
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Karzkin picked up on pretty much all the grammar and punctuation nitpicks that I might have had, so I'll be brief.
It was quite nice at the beginning, then it got a little bit sloppy and rushed, and towards the end it got better again. Overall, it was still a good poem, but it could have been better; next time, try to stick to one particular image, or theme, because this one felt a little jumpy.
Aside from that, very nice. Keep writing.
Hello! Review time.
A nice idea for a piece. An interesting theme overall, but not too much information, it leaves things to the audience's imagination.
There are a few technical issues I feel it is necessary for me to point out. I'll take it a bit at a time:
I think there should be a punctuation mark at the end of the first line. Either a comma or semi-colon. Without it the second line doesn't make terribly good sense.
These two lines have one big problem: you change tense. 'Would' is past-tense, 'will' is future-tense. 'Would' should be changed to 'will'.
This is a question, but doesn't have a question mark. Either add a '?' or make it a statement; a la "You will be the one I had in mind."
You've used the wrong "your". This should be "you're", as in "I know you are there holding on..."
Again, a question in need of the appropriate punctuation mark.
Again, "your" should be "you're". Also, "Im" needs an apostrophe; "I'm".
"Havn't" should be "haven't".
The punctuation at the end of these lines needs some tweaking. It could be done in one of two ways; with a question mark at the end of each line, like this:
"What if your here and I'm just blind?
How can I know a song I never hear?
How will I know your voice when you haven't said a word?
How will I know how this will end, before we begin?
Will you be unmistakable?"
Or a comma at the end of each line, and a question mark at the end of the last line:
"What if your here and I'm just blind,
How can I know a song I never hear,
How will I know your voice when you haven't said a word,
How will I know how this will end, before we begin,
Will you be unmistakable?"
As I said before, this is a good idea, it's just a few small technical errors that need handling.
I hope this helps,
K.
This was an awesome poem! It was sort of deep but not too deep. And I really liked the opening line, and the last line. The length of the entire poem was great. You have a lot of potential, so keep writing.