Published June 8, 2011
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140,172 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
This is really good
I'm always impressed at people who can rhyme well, and you certainly do. This poem's AAAB rhyme scheme is great, not forced or over-the-top. It has a nice lilting quality and sounds like something you;d read to a child, which definitley isn't a bad thing.
However the point of the poem is a little skewed. You see this ghost, you're trying to figure out who or what it is or once was. But then at the end you say you're slightly drunk. Does that mean the ghost doesn't exist, or your current state of intoxication is making the ghost's true form hard to decipher?
You may want to clear that up.
Also, your punctuation. You have a few commas here and there but no periods. If you're going to punctuate your poem, please commit to it completely. Half-punctuated poems just look sloppy.
Anyway, I felt that there were also some technicality errors.
I suppose you mean massive. A missive is a letter.
This stanza was the only one that completely deviated from the rhyme scheme and threw off the flow. And also, please capitalize your "I"s.
This sentence has three adjectives in it, which is fine. However, if you're going to commit to punctuate, then they all need commas between them.
Hoe this helped,
Jade.
It kind of confused me, but it makes me think of how the mind can play tricks on you and can make you think you see something were there is nothing. Like ghosts, but good.
There's only one 'm'.
Doesn't rhyme. Be persistent, please.
Saying this is totally not necessary. We know it's not very 'defined' because you say it might be big, or small, or a sailor, or a soldier, but you can't tell. After the last two stanzas this phrase is not, as you put it, 'what's more'.
And the ending made me laugh out lout. You have a really cool idea here! I really enjoyed it. These were the only nitpicks I could find, you did pretty well at the structure. Nice job.