Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this one feels like it has a lot of potential but it was all wasted by a severe lack of pacing. The pacing at the end is just rushed and very hard to decipher with it just seeming to go on and on without really showing any kind of proper purpose and that's not too great at telling a story especially one with this kind of emotion to it. For action the ridiculously fast pacing works but this just isn't that type of story.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Why am I so alone in this big, hateful world? I think I am lost, and I can’t seem to find myself. Four months ago, I never feel like this before since Bradley died. Bradley was a good friend of mine, and he had long curly black hair, and his skin was caramel, and his eyes was hazel like honey. Jessica Briggs is a girl who has long brunette hair, her skin like peanut butter, and her eyes are blue like the sky. He was the one who looked out for me when I was with bad people. I am so confuse right now, but I want revenge so bad but something is telling me in my heart, it’s not worth it. Bradley needs to have justice, signed an angry, alone, and confuse black woman…
Umm the Jessica Briggs thing really felt like it came out of absolutely nowhere and definitely confused me as to what purpose it has. The rest of it though seems like a fairly decent start to a novel. Its got some really nice hidden backstory from what I can see and its very interesting to try and see why this person feels the way he does about his friend's passing. It definitely does a good job as an opening paragraph in grabbing our attention.
June 6th, Bradley and I were walking to the corner store so we can get some snack. Bradley Locke was my best friend and he is like a brother I never had before. We decided to take the alley because it was closer to the store. While we were walking through the alley, we spotted a black sedan, coming after us. Bradley spotted 9 millimeter pistol pointing at us, and then started to shooting. Bullets were flying everywhere, and we started to run, and then the car was going faster. Bradley let go of my hand, and I turned around, he was on the ground, red blood cover from back. I grab him, and carried him to the main street. The black sedan turned a sharp corner the opposite way. I got to a bench and laid Bradley down. I had blood on my shirt, and on my hands. Bradley’s last words were “Jessica stay strong... then he died in my arms, and a cop came a few seconds later after when he died." I started crying, because I lose my best friend.
Well on the bright side now we know who Jessica is which is a good thing. But the pacing here is just all over the place. SO MANY THINGS happen all in this one paragraph and it feels like you took something that would be an entire chapter with like a roller coaster of emotions and just condensed the whole affair into this which just comes off really awkward to read because of how little time is given to the important moments of it. You need to split this one up into several smaller paragraphs and then really flesh it out and let us feel some of that emotion from this traumatic event.
A pale, white man with black hair got out of the police car, walked to me, and asked me," Young lady is something wrong, the cop said. Then I said “Yes when me and my friend Bradley was in that alley, a car appeared and started shooting at us.” He went back to his car, and called the ambulance. The cop named is Officer Brown, and officer Brown asked me did I see a face? Then I replied back, "No the window were tinted and plus Bradley seen everything."
Well that was a surprising lack of emotion there. I really expected a lot more than that to be visible on Jessica's face at this point because right now it looks like this is all being said in just a dull monotone with no feeling to t.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall you've got a pretty clear plot that sounds really good. A wonderful premise with room for a ton of emotion and all sorts of really nice things but the pacing ruins it and the fact that you have not put much emotion in here at all. So I would suggest just stretching this one out a lot more and giving a little bit more description. That I think would really elevate this thing to a whole other level and that would be really nice to see.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 253788
Reviews: 4099
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