There comes a day where she cannot go on
When this day comes we must mourn
Though she would not want us to be torn
We can grieve and collect our pieces
Even when time freezes
And we remember what we lost
We will learn that there comes a day
Where we all can go on
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Heya! AnotherCrowInRow (alias Kay) is here to write a quick review for your poem!
I like how you work with the theme of the poem - the theme of losing a loved one, someone who was important to the narrator, is very skillfully interwoven throughout the work.
But it's also a piece about moving on from the point of mourning, about finding way from sadness and mourning and, well, about possibility of go on from where we were. At least that's my interpretation, although the nice thing about poetry is that everyone can find something different in it.
What I would like to advise you is to work on these verses:
See, first and last lines are mirroring each other, which is a good literary device. First and second and third with fourth are keeping AABB rhyming scheme, but then you break it there. It's not that much of a problem, it's very common for a person to deviate from the rhyme they've previously set towards the end of a poem, but if you want you can try to find something that rhymes better.
Overall, this is a very nice poem! If I understood it correctly, these are your beginnings as a poet, but I have to praise you - the poem is really good!
Have a nice rest of day/night/whatever and stay safe!
- Kay, local (friendly?) cryptic crow
Thank you so much for the critique, it is one of my first poems so I am still getting a flow for things. I really appreciate the comment on the break in the rhyme. I honestly just wanted to play around with the flow of the AABB but didn't know how to convey my message fully without breaking the rhyme. Something to work on! I much appreciate your advice and I hope you'll continue to critique my work in the future, you have very good advice to offer.
Hi! Just thought I would stop by and share my thoughts. First, I think the length of the poem is nice, as it does enough to express a thought and feeling without dragging on. The message of loss is apparent through the lines, yet there is a spark of hope within the title and ending lines of "Go On"
My main critique lies within the rhyming of the poem. There is end rhyme in lines 2-3 and 4-5, with lines 1 and 8 ending in "on" in order to emphasize the future. However, lines 6-7 do not rhyme, which throws off the flow of the poem. When it comes to rhyme, I find it better to aim with consistency unless the content/context of the poem calls for a break in the rhyme. I would definitely play around with the rhyme in those lines in order to create that flow from grief to a sense of hope in the end. Rhyme is completely an artistic choice, so if this doesn't feel applicable or helpful, it's completely understandable.
I enjoyed your poem, thank you for posting it! Hope to see more.
Thank you! I really appreciate you specifying the lines and what can be worked on in each. You gave great advice, and I'm glad you enjoyed it! I am just now starting to explore my take on poetry and my style with it so forgive me for the mistakes, but I appreciate any advice and criticism, and I hope to improve. I look forward to potential reviews from you in the future! Thank you.