Hey there, brookeallo!
I'm Q here to review your work today. I'm just going to go in the order of your story and quote what I'm going to talk about, so I'm going to get right into it!
The bittersweet warmth of that summer night along with the humidity from the rain, which seeked through my clothes. Seeping into my skin. Chill bumps running throughout my body. Tears soaking my face, like huge waves crashing against an ocean.
These sentences are very descriptive, but they're written a little strangely. For example, the first one isn't really a sentence, because it's essentially "the warmth of summer and the humidity seeping through my clothes", which is just a statement of something existing, not something happening. If the narrator is recalling this from the future, you could say, "I can still remember the bittersweet warmth... [etc.]" to sort of set up the description. Does that make sense? If the narrator isn't recalling this from long ago, then I'm sure you can figure out another way to put this in context. Maybe just say, "I could feel the bittersweet warmth" instead.
My eyes were beginning to puff up from the salty waves that had priorly fallen of the corners of my eyes. Making themselves saunter down my nose and cheeks.
Just a minor note on language here. You don't need to get too in-depth with the description! Here, "salty waves" can just be called tears. "Priorly" isn't a word (I believe?) so I would use previously, but if they're still falling then just say that they're currently falling. I don't think the tears would "make themselves saunter", just because that seems a little odd, so maybe just cut it down to, "Sliding down my nose and cheeks". Just a suggestion!
Failing at first and falling to the ground. My knees now exposed from the holes ripped by the gravel from my fall. Shakily and waringly I attempt to stand back up. My attempt is successful this time and my knees do not buckle. My legs feeling stronger then the ever have as they walk over to Payton. My knees are scraped and blood trickles down my jeans but mixes with the raindrops to form a bright red puddle at my feet, My blood puddle is a lot smaller than my sisters.
Just some sentence structure here again! "Falling at first and falling to the ground"--I'm not sure what this means? Unless you meant stumbling, and then you could write something like, "I stumble at first, then fall to the ground." You're using a lot of -ing words, which usually only work when you say "I am falling", and if you don't have the "am" in there, you should just say "I fall". Either way works fine, but just remember to put the subject in there too! In the third sentence, I'm not sure what waringly was, but I think you could stick with "shakily" because that gets the point across pretty well. And if her (I assume the narrator is a she?) legs are shaky, then how could they feel stronger than ever? I do like the solemn image of her blood puddle being smaller than her sister's, however.
Anyone who happens to stumble upon the gravel lot will just think the blood was from a fight between the guards and the people of the street.
This intrigues me! It's the first hint at the world you've built, and while I'd like some clearer names than "the guards" and "the people of the street", it's a sneaky little introduction into your world.
I pick her up easily, her small frame making it easy for me to do so.
Four feet in height and 2 feet in width. I move her into the grave.
Her body fits in the tiny hole She was around 3 foot 6. Still short from being a child at only seven years old.
I've pulled out a number of things related to size here--first of all, I don't think that you need to use such specific measurements! Certainly, given the world this narrator is living in, he/she wouldn't know how tall his/her sister was exactly, or how wide the hole he/she (I'm just going to go with she) dug was. So I think you can just cut out those specifics, although you can compare the size of the sister or the grave to something else and that would work fine. Also, it seems sort of sudden to just now mention that the sister was seven! That's an important detail because it makes the idea of her being shot a lot more terrible, so maybe you could squeeze it in earlier, or just establish the sense of a "little sister" or "young girl" sooner, not just mentioning a "small frame".
I had dug for hours and the grave must have been around four feet down so that the mud wouldn’t slide off revealing her body.
A little bit of practicality here--a quick google search suggested 6 hours to the better part of a day to dig a grave. Of course, this one is probably smaller than usual, but the narrator is using only her hands and is apparently pretty weak from hunger, and dragging her sister all the way out here. I'm not really sure that it's possible, let alone in a matter of hours. It might be better to simply pile some dirt on top of the body instead. (I know, burying is best if possible, but I think it could be better to look on the more realistic side here)
I pass out soon after from exhaustion and the puffiness of my tear stained eyes.
I don't think she would pass out because of the puffiness of her eyes! I think you can just cut the sentence after exhaustion.
I sat holding my knees and thinking back to the day before.
Here, you're using past tense, but mostly you've been using present? (With some past, of course, to describe previous memories) I'm assuming you plan to use present for most of the story, but just be careful that you're actually using the same tense consistently!
He had blonde hair and brown eyes a lot like mine and his name was Sam.
Since you're telling of his unfortunate death, I'm not sure those are the most important details to include? It might be better to mention a sweet personality to highlight the brutality of the attack.
I grabbed my sister and snuck out of the raid before the guards could see me leaving. I picked her up in my arms as I ran for about a mile until I could no longer hear the gunfire or see the smoke. Not many people tend to escape the raids. I guess I had just been lucky. I was hoping that if I had gotten her out of there quick enough I could fix her injuries and save her.
Ah, another bit I'm not so sure is plausible. If she got shot in the heart, then she's already dead or else there's nothing that can be done to save her. And I don't think the weakened narrator could have carried her a whole mile while running! You might want to change this a bit.
The last little bit is about your world building--I'm excited for it! Right now it's giving me a bit of a modern world vibe, something where we've sort of fallen into factions and there is a dangerous government afoot? But we haven't seen very much yet, so I hope that in later chapters you have a chance to expand on this and make it larger than what we've seen of the street people and the guards. Also, aside from the narrator's sister dying, we don't know much about her--living situation, goals, whatnot--so I also hope you delve more into her story and we see her (presumably? I mean the title is rebels) go up against the people causing all of this trouble.
I know my review was really long, and probably a little too intense, but I do think you did some of this writing very well! You have an excellent way of setting mood and tone (I dig the rainy night and blood imagery!), and your overall imagery is incredibly vivid. I hope you continue to write this and expand your story! If you want to tag me when you write more, I would love it.
Have a lovely day, and let me know if you have any questions!
-Q
Points: 5966
Reviews: 498
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