z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 1: Teenage Rebels

by brookeallo


Chapter 1

(I cant find out how to indent so sorry)

She took her last breathe in my arms and I watched the fog distort the last bit of air that would ever make its way out of her lungs. The bittersweet warmth of that summer night along with the humidity from the rain, which seeked through my clothes. Seeping into my skin. Chill bumps running throughout my body. Tears soaking my face, like huge waves crashing against an ocean. She was now long gone. Her fragile body lying entangled in my weak embrace. Reminding me of my failed attempt to save the last person who was left in my life. My eyes were beginning to puff up from the salty waves that had priorly fallen of the corners of my eyes. Making themselves saunter down my nose and cheeks. Where they fell like tiny ice crystals off of my jaw. Dripping onto my dead sister.

I had to be strong for Payton, the only family I ever had. I slowly lower her body from my embrace lying her on the gravel below. My knees feel like stone as I try to stand up. Failing at first and falling to the ground. My knees now exposed from the holes ripped by the gravel from my fall. Shakily and waringly I attempt to stand back up. My attempt is successful this time and my knees do not buckle. My legs feeling stronger then the ever have as they walk over to Payton. My knees are scraped and blood trickles down my jeans but mixes with the raindrops to form a bright red puddle at my feet, My blood puddle is a lot smaller than my sisters. With the way it has been raining lately I am defanant that the puddles of blood will be washed away leaving behind only red stains on the gravel. Anyone who happens to stumble upon the gravel lot will just think the blood was from a fight between the guards and the people of the street.

I pick her up easily, her small frame making it easy for me to do so. Carrying her in my arms over to the muddy dirt that lies outside of the lot. I then place her down again and begin to dig into the dirt. My fingernails bloody and raw and my fingertips pink and covered in small scratches. I dig a hole big enough for her frail body. Four feet in height and 2 feet in width. I move her into the grave. I wish I could put her body somewhere but this will have to do. It’s the best that I can do. Her blonde hair with blood stains at the bottom closer to the bullet wound. Her eyes are still open and they stare upwards. The green in them being the only bright thing around at this hour of night. I place my hands over her eyes and softly close them. Her body fits in the tiny hole She was around 3 foot 6. Still short from being a child at only seven years old. I cover her body lightly with dirt. The mud splattering onto her. Soon she is covered and there's no way to even tell that anyone is buried underneath the mud. I made sure to bury her deep. I had dug for hours and the grave must have been around four feet down so that the mud wouldn’t slide off revealing her body. Must of those who were shot in the raids were burned but I wouldn’t let my sisters body be burned with hundreds of others and be turned into ash that would continue to burn after the next raid and then the next and then so on.

I pass out soon after from exhaustion and the puffiness of my tear stained eyes. I am awoken hours later after the rain has finally stopped and the clouds have seperated revealing an early dawn. I look around to see a purple flower sitting in a small patch of grass that is left around the lot. Just like me it too had surprisingly survived the night full of rain. I didn’t know the name of the flower but I knew that it was my sisters favorite. On the rare summer nights when we would pass by fields we would sometimes see the same flower. This one was her favorite because it was purple which was her favorite color. She had told me before that she liked purple the best cause she rarely ever saw anything that was purple. She liked rare things. I take the purple flower and pull the petals off and drop them across the mud where my sister is buried. I can tell by the sky that another storm is coming soon. The rain from the upcoming nights storm will blow away the flower petals so no one will be alerted to what lay beneath them. The rain had helped fade the blood which couldn’t be seen on my dark clothes. I sat holding my knees and thinking back to the day before.

I wasn’t expecting a raid to happen then. Payton had gone to see a little boy that she had become friends with who was sitting on the sidewalk. He wore ragged clothes just like ours showing his families lack of wealth. He was little and most have been around Payton's age. He had blonde hair and brown eyes a lot like mine and his name was Sam. Payton seemed to like Sam which was surprising as I was the only person so far that she seemed to not be scared of, but with Sam it was different. She had went over to talk to him after I had told her strictly to stay with me at all times. I noticed she had left my side several seconds later but by then it was too late and I heard the firing of gunshots. A few of the poor beggars had tried to steal a guards gun which led to an uprising and the guards all began to fire attempting to kill everyone insight. Instead of just the beggars who had stole the gun. This was a raid which happened many times before.

Once I noticed Payton was gone the gunshots had been fired and I met eyes with her from across where I was only 50 feet in front of her. I ran to grab her hand and then run with her but she was shot right after Sam. She was shot in the heart. Sam was shot in the head and he dropped to the ground. I grabbed my sister and snuck out of the raid before the guards could see me leaving. I picked her up in my arms as I ran for about a mile until I could no longer hear the gunfire or see the smoke. Not many people tend to escape the raids. I guess I had just been lucky. I was hoping that if I had gotten her out of there quick enough I could fix her injuries and save her. The only problem was I didn’t know how to heal a gunshot wound and I didn’t have any supplies. We were both already weak from hunger. She was still barely breathing in my arms when I sat down with her. Her eyes looked at mine and I knew she was still alive. She never said anything. I don’t think she could but her eyes told me it all. They showed years of great pain and suffering but there was a hint of something there. A hint of happiness and love that was shared between two girls who tried to escape the horrible world around them. Then her breathing had stopped.


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498 Reviews


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Thu Jun 06, 2019 2:32 am
Que wrote a review...



Hey there, brookeallo!

I'm Q here to review your work today. I'm just going to go in the order of your story and quote what I'm going to talk about, so I'm going to get right into it! :)

The bittersweet warmth of that summer night along with the humidity from the rain, which seeked through my clothes. Seeping into my skin. Chill bumps running throughout my body. Tears soaking my face, like huge waves crashing against an ocean.

These sentences are very descriptive, but they're written a little strangely. For example, the first one isn't really a sentence, because it's essentially "the warmth of summer and the humidity seeping through my clothes", which is just a statement of something existing, not something happening. If the narrator is recalling this from the future, you could say, "I can still remember the bittersweet warmth... [etc.]" to sort of set up the description. Does that make sense? If the narrator isn't recalling this from long ago, then I'm sure you can figure out another way to put this in context. Maybe just say, "I could feel the bittersweet warmth" instead.

My eyes were beginning to puff up from the salty waves that had priorly fallen of the corners of my eyes. Making themselves saunter down my nose and cheeks.

Just a minor note on language here. You don't need to get too in-depth with the description! Here, "salty waves" can just be called tears. ;) "Priorly" isn't a word (I believe?) so I would use previously, but if they're still falling then just say that they're currently falling. I don't think the tears would "make themselves saunter", just because that seems a little odd, so maybe just cut it down to, "Sliding down my nose and cheeks". Just a suggestion!

Failing at first and falling to the ground. My knees now exposed from the holes ripped by the gravel from my fall. Shakily and waringly I attempt to stand back up. My attempt is successful this time and my knees do not buckle. My legs feeling stronger then the ever have as they walk over to Payton. My knees are scraped and blood trickles down my jeans but mixes with the raindrops to form a bright red puddle at my feet, My blood puddle is a lot smaller than my sisters.

Just some sentence structure here again! "Falling at first and falling to the ground"--I'm not sure what this means? Unless you meant stumbling, and then you could write something like, "I stumble at first, then fall to the ground." You're using a lot of -ing words, which usually only work when you say "I am falling", and if you don't have the "am" in there, you should just say "I fall". ;) Either way works fine, but just remember to put the subject in there too! In the third sentence, I'm not sure what waringly was, but I think you could stick with "shakily" because that gets the point across pretty well. And if her (I assume the narrator is a she?) legs are shaky, then how could they feel stronger than ever? I do like the solemn image of her blood puddle being smaller than her sister's, however.

Anyone who happens to stumble upon the gravel lot will just think the blood was from a fight between the guards and the people of the street.

This intrigues me! It's the first hint at the world you've built, and while I'd like some clearer names than "the guards" and "the people of the street", it's a sneaky little introduction into your world.

I pick her up easily, her small frame making it easy for me to do so.

Four feet in height and 2 feet in width. I move her into the grave.

Her body fits in the tiny hole She was around 3 foot 6. Still short from being a child at only seven years old.

I've pulled out a number of things related to size here--first of all, I don't think that you need to use such specific measurements! Certainly, given the world this narrator is living in, he/she wouldn't know how tall his/her sister was exactly, or how wide the hole he/she (I'm just going to go with she) dug was. So I think you can just cut out those specifics, although you can compare the size of the sister or the grave to something else and that would work fine. Also, it seems sort of sudden to just now mention that the sister was seven! That's an important detail because it makes the idea of her being shot a lot more terrible, so maybe you could squeeze it in earlier, or just establish the sense of a "little sister" or "young girl" sooner, not just mentioning a "small frame".

I had dug for hours and the grave must have been around four feet down so that the mud wouldn’t slide off revealing her body.

A little bit of practicality here--a quick google search suggested 6 hours to the better part of a day to dig a grave. Of course, this one is probably smaller than usual, but the narrator is using only her hands and is apparently pretty weak from hunger, and dragging her sister all the way out here. I'm not really sure that it's possible, let alone in a matter of hours. It might be better to simply pile some dirt on top of the body instead. (I know, burying is best if possible, but I think it could be better to look on the more realistic side here)

I pass out soon after from exhaustion and the puffiness of my tear stained eyes.

I don't think she would pass out because of the puffiness of her eyes! ;) I think you can just cut the sentence after exhaustion.

I sat holding my knees and thinking back to the day before.

Here, you're using past tense, but mostly you've been using present? (With some past, of course, to describe previous memories) I'm assuming you plan to use present for most of the story, but just be careful that you're actually using the same tense consistently!

He had blonde hair and brown eyes a lot like mine and his name was Sam.

Since you're telling of his unfortunate death, I'm not sure those are the most important details to include? It might be better to mention a sweet personality to highlight the brutality of the attack.

I grabbed my sister and snuck out of the raid before the guards could see me leaving. I picked her up in my arms as I ran for about a mile until I could no longer hear the gunfire or see the smoke. Not many people tend to escape the raids. I guess I had just been lucky. I was hoping that if I had gotten her out of there quick enough I could fix her injuries and save her.

Ah, another bit I'm not so sure is plausible. If she got shot in the heart, then she's already dead or else there's nothing that can be done to save her. And I don't think the weakened narrator could have carried her a whole mile while running! You might want to change this a bit.

The last little bit is about your world building--I'm excited for it! Right now it's giving me a bit of a modern world vibe, something where we've sort of fallen into factions and there is a dangerous government afoot? But we haven't seen very much yet, so I hope that in later chapters you have a chance to expand on this and make it larger than what we've seen of the street people and the guards. Also, aside from the narrator's sister dying, we don't know much about her--living situation, goals, whatnot--so I also hope you delve more into her story and we see her (presumably? I mean the title is rebels) go up against the people causing all of this trouble.

I know my review was really long, and probably a little too intense, but I do think you did some of this writing very well! You have an excellent way of setting mood and tone (I dig the rainy night and blood imagery!), and your overall imagery is incredibly vivid. I hope you continue to write this and expand your story! :D If you want to tag me when you write more, I would love it.

Have a lovely day, and let me know if you have any questions!

-Q



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brookeallo says...


Thhankyou so much for reading and reviewing and I do realize that I need to edit a lot I didn't really edit it fully before I put it on here. This is kind of a rough draft. I love the review and honestly I really need good and honest reviews. I hope to be able to publish a book (hopefully this one) one day and I am defiently taking in what others corrected becuase I know publishing agencies can be very picky on mistakes. You addressed a few times about what the book might be about are what might happen. I didn't right a summary or a like before you read section beforehand on here as it would take up 200 publishing points and I didn't want to waste those points and i also didn't want to put that before the first chapter. So I guess I will go into a quick explanation of chapter one and what is to come but without spoiling to much so as to gain your attention as a reader like on the backs of books lol. The books main character is Aries, and she is fifteen and the older "sister," of Payton and you will soon see why the explamation marks are there. The setting is more of a current modern day time period in which homeless people and poverty is widespread around the world and the small population of the wealthy have taken over. Their is poor government and instead of helping all these people that obviously need help the leaders higher guards which protect the cities and towns. Most of the poorer people are around the outskirts of the towns and cities. The guards protect the wealthy and most of the richer civilians believe that the guards are good and are just protecting people by making sure that the homeless people (which there are alot of) don't attack the wealthy civilians as they are trying to find a solution to helping the society. It is seen though through the brutality of the guards raids that they don't care about killing huge crowds of people just becuase a few of the people decide to try and uprise against the guards. It is called teenage rebels becuase aries meet a wealthy teenage boy who helps her in rebellion against the gards and government once he figures out what is going on in the outskirts between guards and poorer people. Sorry for such a long reply lol and I will definently make sure to tag you in more parts of the story. Thankyou so much for reading and reviewing!



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Tue Jun 04, 2019 2:02 pm
Anamel wrote a review...



I've noticed that you are detailed in some descriptions of your story though some of your sentences have some interrupted flow and grammar errors but that can be easily fixed.

She took her last breathe in my arms and I watched the fog distort the last bit of air that would ever make its way out of her lungs.

*breath instead of breathe. I think this sentence also may have more impact if you separated the two like, She took her last breath in my arms. I watched as the fog distorted the last bit of air that would ever make its way out of her lungs. But that's just my idea.

The bittersweet warmth of that summer night along with the humidity from the rain, which seeked through my clothes. Seeping into my skin.

These two sentences should be one since they both are attached to the same main idea. I think you also meant to say seeped instead of seeking. If that's true I don't think you need to say seeping twice unless for emphasis. You could just say "seeping through my clothes and into my skin" to make it easier.

Chill bumps running throughout my body. Tears soaking my face, like huge waves crashing against an ocean.

Chill bumps running throughout someone's body is worded a bit odd since chill bumps can't actually run through someone's body since they are on the skin. Maybe just take the bumps part out.

She was now long gone. Her fragile body lying entangled in my weak embrace. Reminding me of my failed attempt to save the last person who was left in my life.

These sentences should be combined since it interrupts what you're trying to say. Like: She was now long gone, her fragile body lying entangled in my weak embrace. It's a jarring reminder of my failed attempt to save the last person who was left in my life.

My eyes were beginning to puff up from the salty waves that had priorly fallen of the corners of my eyes. Making themselves saunter down my nose and cheeks. Where they fell like tiny ice crystals off of my jaw. Dripping onto my dead sister.

You can remove making themselves since it makes it sound awkward. The pause the period creates also sounds strange when saying it aloud. So something like: My eyes were beginning to puff up from the salty tears/waves that had priorly fallen off the corners of my eyes, sauntering down my nose and cheeks. They fell like tiny ice crystals off of my jaw, dripping onto my sister's corpse.

I don't want to go throughout your whole story just critiquing everything but I think you did a good job at hooking the reader in at the beginning and most errors can be fixed by just taking some time to read aloud your story and notice where things may seem a bit off.



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brookeallo says...


Thank you so much ! Yes I knew that their would be grammer mistakes and things but I posted it late last night and haven't really had a chance to edit it. This is the first time I have written anything other than poetry so it's all a little new to me and I'm glad that you took the time to read it. :)




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