Published February 2, 2011
I wrote this poem when I was kind of out of it, so please don't judge too harshly:
You scream at me.
I look down, away from your eyes.
I can't look you in the eyes, it hurts to much.
I see the accusations, the betrayal.
I see it all in your beautiful hazel eyes.
All your pain and suffering.
All evident in your eyes.
So how could I look you in the eyes?
When I know all the pain I see there is because of me?
I can't.
I won't.
It's all my fault.
If I hadn't pf fallen for your beautiful hazel eyes, I wouldn't be crying.
You wouldn't be screaming.
We wouldn't be dying.
Your eyes would be full of mischief again.
Not this horrible agony deep within.
You scream at me some more.
I wait, I know I deserve this.
Now if I can just keep my eyes from your beautiful hazel eyes...
Maybe I won't lose my mind.'
Like I've lost you.
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
This is an awesome poem. I love the raw emotion in it. Good job portraying the scene. One thing though, you might want to consider different wording, it seemed a bit off when you kept repeating. Other than that, this was wonderful, an amazing piece. Keep it up.
Pretty much everyone else already posted the things I saw. The only other thing I can think of is that I thought the word "eyes" was a little repeatitive. Maybe a another word or description would sound better? I don't know, it was something I kept thinking about as I was reading this. Other than that, I thought this was really good and well written. Nice job!
-Hope
This is very good, brokeninpieces! Good flow throughout, deep imagery, and good diction!
As kakagirl stated, the only error however is that minor typo! Other then that, bravo! I like the last two lines of the 4th stanza, as well as the last one:
"Now if I can just keep my eyes from your beautiful hazel eyes...
Maybe I won't lose my mind.'
Like I've lost you."
Great conclusion!
Hi there,
Okay, see here's the thing. You know how to describe a scene. You know how to describe a break-up and the pain of it. But what I'm seeing in your poem is a lack of voice. It's that thing all writers have to find, because pretty much everything's been written already. We need to find a way of inventing the world to our own liking, instead of just describing it. All the famous writers didn't just explain what was happening; they shared the world as they saw it, and that's what made them great. If you really want to write this oft-written poem of losing love, if you want it to be great, you're going to need to find your voice. This is not easy. I haven't done it, I don't think. But the way we see the world is a crucial element in every word we pen. Otherwise, we're just writing down little exercises, and we'll never see our work anywhere other than YWS.
Don't lose your ability to live into the pain of the poem. Keep that. If you can remake this poem to be something truly different from all the others, it will become great.
All the best,
-Aussie
Hey. I'll review for you today.
All in all this was well edited, I only found one real error in grammar.
Just a small typo there. The pf before fallen.
Other then that there was no grammar mistakes which shows you spent time and put effort into this.
In general I thought the poem was really good. Its something very common nowadays. Everyone falls in and out of love at sometime. You helped us re-live the awful feeling. Losing someone you love is heard especailly when its all your fault. Your imagery was clear, your description was strong and there was just enough adjectives. Sometimes in poetry people can go overboard with the flowery OTT description. You didn't. Thank you.
The title got on my nerves a bit. Its call Losing you and yet the last line is;
Two different tenses there. I would either change the title to,
Like I lost you
or
Change the last line to
Like I'm losing you.
I think it just work better. Its more obvious.
I'd like to know a little more about his eyes. Descripe the melting hazel in his eyes, the hazel that makes you fall helplessly every time you see him. Show us why you can't look in his eyes. Paint us a picture of them. Let us see.
Thats really it. You did an excellent job, well done.
Keep writing
Kaka xoo