Azazel could feel the sting of tears creeping to her eyes as she sat alone in her apartment. The phone rested only a few feet away. Disbelief filled her mind from the phone call she had made only an hour ago, reporting the tragedy that had occured to the police. Her best friend, her only sister, was gone. Azazel's last relative had gone missing, leaving her completely alone.
Azazel had always love her sister, even though she had always been in her shadow. As kids growing up, Lilith and Azazel had been so close, they were the best of friends. But, as they got older, Azazel fell into Lilith's shadow. No matter where they went, everyone would compare them to each other. People preferred Lilith's golden curls and blue eyes to Azazel's muddy brown straight hair and deep brown eyes. They praised Lilith's size 2 figure and were repulsed by Azazel's size 10 body. Lilth towered above Azazel at 5'10" and was a true model.
Compared to Lilth, Azazel was a hideous troll. No one cared that she was a brilliant student who was at the top of her class, or that she had won awards for her artistic talent. However, they did care about Lilith's tall, slim body that landed her one modeling job after another. They cared about Lilith's perfect hair and skin, and her perfect looks. Yet, despite what everyone said, Azazel loved her sister and yearned to be just liker her. She wanted to feel as amazing as her sister did.
Azazel lifted herself from the couch and explored the small apartment they had shared. She took in each part of the home and remembered every moment that she and Lilth had had. She walked into her sister's room. It smelled of Lilith's floral perfumes and lotions. There were pictures from magazines of her sister covering the walls. She approached the vanity resting in the corner. Her fingers gently caressed the fine wood with golden engravings. She touched the ivory and pearl brushes that had been used to create perfect curls each and every day. She could still remember the day her sister had gotten the vanity.
"Lilith, the vanity is so gorgeous! But what is that gold writing?"
"Its French. It means "You are perfect.""
Lilith had spent so many hours sitting at the vanity perfecting her looks and gazing at the glorious image the mirror displayed. The words on the vanity described Lilith so well. She had been perfect, the very definition of it.
Azazel looked into the mirror analyzing her reflection. She was hideous. Her hair was tangled and her makeup streaming down her face like black water. Her sister would have been so disappointed in her.
"Your so ugly! You'll never be perfect, so why even try?"
"Lilith?"
Azazel placed her hand against the mirror, startled by the sight before her. Lilith's own face was staring back at her in disgust. Azazel was suddenly sucked into the mirror, into the world beyond. She landed on the ground, surrounded by shattered glass. She stared in disbelief at the sight before her. Here she was, inside the mirror looking up at her sister. She was in Lilith's shadow once again.
All at once, feelings of anger and jealousy welled up inside Azazel. Images filled her head, driving the point of her fate to be in Lilith's shadow, straight to her heart. Before she even realized what she was doing. Azazel had grabbed a blade of glass and was charging her sister. What happened next went by so fast, she didn't know what she had done. She was left kneeling on the ground watching as Lilith's head rolled off her body onto the floor. The head stopped in front of her, glaring into Azazel's soul.
"How could you do this to me?"
Azazel awoke with a start, crying out in horror. She got out of her bed and grabbed the key to the closet. The bag was still resting peacefully inside the room, leaking small drips of blood. She locked the door again and approached the vanity. Her reflection showed the frail body that had been left after the weight loss and the artificial blond curls she had created.
"Im sorry Lilith, I just couldn't live in your shadow anymore."
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey Brokenhearted
There is something kind of fairytaleish about how the story is told, and even though quite often I will say that it takes away from the writing more than it adds, in this circumstance I like it. I think told in any other way this would be a bit too overdramatic for my liking, but as it is I'd say go with it.
Presentation:
First and formost you have to consider how you're presenting your work to those who have to read it. This has no line breaks, and huge chunks of text are really hard on the eyes- especially when you shrink the writing, please don't do that. It's harder to focus and will discourage people from reviewing your work.
Names:
You know the saying "that's my name, don't wear it out"? That counts for literature too. Names stand out more than common words, so it's much more noticable when you repeat them, especially when that name is at the beginning of a line.
If you're talking about one person and nobody else comes into play then it's better to just use he/she.
The narrative:
I like it
Overall:
The thing that drew me in most is that you seem to have a lot of passion in this piece. Some characters are dull and dry because their writers don't care about them. Here you have an emotional attachment to your characters and it shows and helps your reader to gain the same attachment.
This is a very well done dramatic piece. I think you created a place that many people could imagine pretty easily. I was slightly confused by when you started it as saying she got a phone call mentioning Lilith was dead, and then in the end Azazel is the one to kill Lilith. Otherwise, it was interesting to read and I think it was very unique. Great job, keep writing!