CHAPTER ONE: EXCITING NEWS
Dark (14), Elizabeth (15), Ivy (10), and Saxton (9) sat at booth number three, expecting to find out something less boring than what they actually were going to find out. Recently, the Hampshire family of six moved from there home in Bemidji, Minnesota to a new home in Chicago, Illinois. Elizabeth and Ivy, who were used to hunting in Bemidji on the Mississippi, looked around the restaurant. Bemidji didn’t have a Van Pensiero. They didn’t have basically any Italian restaurants in Bemidji.
Their parents, John and Selena Hampshire, were about to break the news with a nice gourmet, pan-sauteed tiger shrimp with pistachio pesto and pork tenderloin with caramelized fennel and prosciutto dinner.
“Well, Dark, Elizabeth, Ivy, and Saxton, you’re dad and I have something to tell you. You have to promise not to freak out though,” Selena said with hope.
“We promise,” they said in unison.
“Are you about to tell us that there is another child approaching in the next nine months? If there is, I’m going to live with Grandma Rose. Ivy, Saxton, and Dark are plenty,” Elizabeth said out of curiosity. Elizabeth was Ms. Popular at her old school. She hated being new. Usually, Dark, Ivy, and Saxton were treated more special than her. Her dad would tell her, “You’re my little girl. I would never do that.” Somehow, he still ignored her.
“No, I’m not having another kid. You know how last month all of you were feeling weird inside and all that?” Everyone nodded in agreement. “Your father and I don’t want to freak you out, but you’re…sorcerers. Next week you’ll be attending Fresno Academy for Young Sorcerers in Training.”
The kids were shocked at the thought of being sorcerers. They never expected this.
“I can’t believe this. You’re lying! You’re our parents! Parents don’t lie to their kids,” Elizabeth didn’t want to believe this. However, she did have a short advantage now.
“I can be the next Harry Potter! I need a marker! I need to draw a scratch mark on my head and pretend like it hurts!” Saxton had the thought of meeting Harry Potter. He was thoroughly excited. “I feel like I have so much power! This is great news! I can’t wait to tell my,” Saxton thought for a moment. He doesn’t have any friends here. He had left them back in Bemidji. “Friends. I don’t have any friends here. Oh wait, I can tell my family! Hey mom, dad, brother, and sisters, I AM A SORCERER!”
“Once you start maing friends here, you can't tell them this secret. Who knows what would happen if we were exposed to mortals. You will be attending Fresno for two years. Then, you will transfer to Elite Island and go to school at The Unknown Academy for Trained Sorcerers for four years. After that, you will take a test to decide what gift you have,” John told them secretly.
“This is so cool. I thought princesses were really cool. After what you told me, forget princesses! Go Sorcerers,” Ivy said with excitement.
“When we get home, your mother and I will show you the layer, where you will do your sorcerer studies, when you are home. We will also give you your wands. After that, we will split up and give you a tour to some of Chicago’s most magical places.”
“I suddenly feel a sudden rush of energy form in my hands. I have power,” Dark was a little too crazy about this.
“Dark, you only have power when you have a wand in your hands. I had an F in every class at school in Bemidji and yet, I still know that,” Elizabeth informed him rudely.
“Come on kids, we need to get home,” said Selena with a soft voice of reassurance.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
ALO NEW PERSON!
Dont put their names in brackets, it seems cold and emotionless.
Don't say that, or at least not yet, don't mention boring, it makes readers (or at least me) feel bored immediately. Rather do it other way around; "expecting to find out something a lot less #FF0000 ">exiting than what they were actually going to find out." Or just take out the sentence. It drags a bit.
Again it gives the impression of coldness, as you are stating seemingly random facts. Its an info dump (Unlike pretty much every other human out there, I like info dumps, but find another way to say it) A bit like a textbook.
Don't list their names, use a collective term, like #FF0000 ">children.
I might just be tired, but I dont get that sentence.
Again, don't list their names.
Wow! BOOM! No drumroll, no warning! The story starts out too quickly, we don't even know who the kids are yet and already they're finding out their sorcerers!
well, I wouldn't expect it either, but I definitely won't believe it if my parents told me that out of the blue. I think they should have some disbelieve, and go into the characters minds. Also, I think they are taking their parents too seriously, I would think they were joking, and even though Elizabeth says that her parents are lying, it doesn't seem like she's believing in what she's saying, "Elizabeth didn’t want to believe this.",seems as if she does believe it but she doesn't want to.
Again it seems as if you're just stating a fact, you're telling, you're not showing...unfortunately I can't really tell you how to 'show' instead of tell, its something you'll pick up eventually.
If you are going to write about the parts about which the dad is talking I wouldn't add it in, its like a spoiler.
A little too... kind of honest. Would Dark know what power feels like immediately?
I get that you are trying to build character around here, but how would she know? Its a whole new world. O.K I wonder what the rest would be like, since this kind of story has been done before (As every other kind has been, but unlike the rest this one was done quite recently, and was very very famous), and it seems kind of the same kind of setting, a hidden wizard/sorcerer school, etc. etc. So I want to find out how you would do the rest, if it would also be as similar to Harry Potter as it seems. Besides all of that, I think you start the story too quickly, something I only noticed recently, is that a story isn't really about the plot or the story, but its about the characters, and the way the characters take what is happening. But don't stop writing what ever you do!
Thanks for your help. I will try to make these as interesting as possible. In fact, this one I wrote three years ago. I just finished another book that I would absolutely LOVE to upload on here. Thanks.
-BroadwayStar
over-all
That was a pretty bland peice.
ou need more emotion, more description.
Keep working.
~WickedWonder