Published January 8, 2011
There is a white wall
In my english class
It always
Captivates me
Staring into space and
Looking at the
Stars and feeling
Nothing
But when
I see them
On this I
See
The stars
The space
My dreaming state
But when I see
An ant
Crawling on the wall
My stars
My space
I crush the ant's dreaming state
I smile
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
This is very good!! It's cool how the words sort of make a wall...whether you did that on purpose or not I know not. I think you should add some punctuation in it to make it look a little cleaner and not just a mesh of words, you know? But I like it. A lot. Keep writing!
Crushing the ant represents the territorial attitude I take on in the poem.
And the description of the white wall is supposed to be simple; it is simply a canvas where memories (such as the starts, space, etc.) are laid out on. It's essentially reflecting on what I've done with my life, but my life seems sweeter when in memory form.
Maybe these themes aren't quite evident, but I assure you they are there.
I'm just slightly confused. In the beginning, are you outside and looking into the sky? Maybe you could say "when staring into space" and "looking at the stars, I feel nothing." As someone mentioned earlier, you could do well with more description, more on the white wall and the significance of the ant at the end.
I would get rid of the second "But when I see them". After a bit of work, I think it could be a great poem.
Hahaha, ironically enough, this is a poem I had to write for my english class, and believe me, she's seen it. Said it was a little too dark for the style it was supposed to be modeling (Knoxville, Tennessee), because I really only took parts of what I was supposed to do and added my own little twist to them. But too late, I like it, and won't change a thing
I think you should sent it to your teacher.
Why thank you good sir
It's a good poem. The others have said what I would of said.
Keep writing!
Yeah, the rhythm doesn't really match there, but then again there is never really a set rhythm in the poem.
Also, I added in the part about the english class so that maybe it didn't seem too generic right before going into the next few lines.
This is an interesting poem. The way you broke up the lines was very unique, and really seemed to fit with the story you tell.
I have one critique.
This sounds a bit unpoetic. Could you rewrite this so that it works with the beat of the rest of the poem? Also, the part about the English class makes it a bit too informal for my liking. I would cut it out.
Thank you very much; ironically, this is actually a poem that was supposed to be written to the style of "Knoxville, Tennessee" but I decided to mix it up a bit. Not happy enough for my english teacher? Too bad
I like this, its different.
However, it did confuse me slightly and I felt the structure a little muddled and I got lost to where I was several times. As I said, I did enjoy it but a little bit of detail could of worked to your advantage, but I found the imagery interesting and nice.