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Graduation - A Number Poem

by bright2800


06-10-18

This is the start of the rest of your life.

It’s okay to feel scared,

just...

trust that you will still achieve all your goals,

and

you will have help if you need it.


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741 Reviews


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Tue May 01, 2018 11:31 pm
CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there bright2800 and welcome to YWS.
I thought you might be in need of a supplemental review, so here I am.

The overall sentiment of this is nice.
Like I get the levels that people could relate to this and how it expresses the overwhelming emotions in all. Very short and compact, perhaps a bit too compact. I get what you're going for here, simplicity wise, keeping it short and sweet. But it also overall feels like the reader is being rushed around but the narrator is also pleading with them, so there's a lot of conflict there.

For this case the title addition of "a number poem", only reaches so far into this piece.
Like the first line.
I thought this would have more detail and more numbers perhaps, like different numbers that meant different things to you, in different applications about graduation. Instead, it just states the future graduation date and tapers off with bad advice people give you in highschool.

The bad advice. Or at least the inaccurate advice that's understating the matter a little bit, is your key relation point. I think you were going more for having a really sympathetic alternate character but as I pointed out before, on my end it sounds like bad advice. It sounds almost sarcastic to me and with the additional filing under 'teen fiction', it leads me to other places.

I'm sort of rambling so to get back on topic, you've made this a little too vague. I'd loosen up a bit on the strings and let some more drama and emotions flow, rather than having such a narrow focus.

There's not too much for me to comment on so sorry that this is a bit short.
If you have any questions, feel free to shoot me a PM.
Have a nice day.
~lizz




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Mon Apr 30, 2018 10:29 am
Danceingtreeelf wrote a review...



I want to start off by saying wow. There are so many emotions in just a few lines that many people feel. I remember the feelings running through me the day I graduated high school. I also agree with katnes that this could absolutely make spotlight. So great job on this an I hope to read more from you happy writing and good luck.

~Danceingtreeelf




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Mon Apr 30, 2018 3:05 am
EverLight wrote a review...



Please feel free to ignore my advice it is not menat to offend you hurt you make your poem seem bad or demean it. Regardless of what I have stated brace yourself for impact. That said . . .
1. What I liked
Wow . . .this seems inspiring no doubt this will make it to the lit spotlight. (Literary spotlight)It was knd of cool how such a short poem could touch so many emotions. Goes to show something doesn't need to be wordy-You just need to play your words literally. (Ha!)

2. Flow and Style
Good as this I have a feeling a few things didn't seem right starting with this-

trust that you will still achieve all your goals,

I think that still should be removed. It would sound better that way to me. See if you agree-
Just . . .trust that you will achieve all your goals.

Then we have this line-

you will have help if you need it.

You ought to try adding that.
And that
you will have help if you need it.

3. Encouragment
Excellent work! This is pretty good. It really does make it seem as though bright days are ahead.
4. Overall
Overall I thought this was well done and-inspiring.





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