[ I could really use some honest feedback about this piece for my writing class! Thanks :) ]
The red paint chose me, calling out like an open wound seeking medical attention. I dipped my brush obediently into the container and wiped the excess on the side with precision. I shuffled backwards, away from the white canvas branching out from one corner of the room to the next. The creaking of the floors in my new house startled me, and it took me a moment to regain my poise. Summer scents wafted through my open window with the breeze and filled my lungs with resolve.
Plunging from the brush like a novice diver from an elevated springboard, the paint struck the wall. That single splatter left me breathless. When my parents split up, I fell through the cracks. I’d tainted the innocuous wall in a desperate attempt to claim something as mine in the midst of all the madness.
A second splatter; this time messier, bloodier, and angrier. Ridding the house of its vacancy, my presence materialized on the wall. Each component of the rainbow took a journey from my paintbrush to the wall. Jade green exploited the resentment stirring within me when I revisited the realization that my friends, with all of their talent, would forever outshine me. Rusty orange for the times I was forgotten in the heat of arguments that belonged to adults who spat words and rejected peaceful resolution. The blue fell like teardrops toward the floorboard, and images of my late brother filled my head and drifted into my heart.
As I eyed the wall, the itchy sensation came over me that a vital element was missing. But the emotions needed to complete the masterpiece were still raw. I was here – free – without the controlling eyes of my father judging my every movement, and that newfound independence left my knees wobbly. Could I possibly put my father – my biggest source of resentment – on the wall without disrupting the beauty? Could a paintbrush translate that much hostility and not crack from the pressure?
I was about to find out.
The orange I’d chosen for the event found a home dead center, mixing, upon impact, with a shade of green that could make anyone feel nauseated. The blob was ugly, but I was too far-gone to care. My feelings were a mess, my wall was a mess, and it occurred to me that is didn’t really matter that each of the colours represented something different. I needed to stop categorizing my pain and accept that I needed to address the main issue: that I was bleeding and needed bandaging.
Mapped out before me, the negative fragments of my life flew this way and that, mirroring my past. But they were trapped on the wall, and I intended to keep them there where they could no longer damage me.
Of course, the past must be balanced out with the present. My wall was, by that description, still incomplete. A friend suggested the answer with an uncapped sharpie, extended toward me with a wry smile. I became frantic; writing quotes, lyrics, thoughts, emotions, all of it, whenever I could. I exorcised my demons until I was spent. The wall transformed from my memoir to my journal. A framework for every passion I’ve ever felt.
I’d never considered myself an artist, but there it was – every crevice of my soul – emulated on the wall… and I was now exposed. It wasn’t polished or clean, but it was abstractly beautiful. My story was beautiful! Isn’t that the definition of art?
As for the wall, it was just that: a wall. But like a good friend, it embraced me on the bad days that followed that summer and reminded me of how far I’d come.
Eventually someone is going to cover up my wall, and understandably so. Maybe he or she will befriend the wall and paint his or her own story. But at the moment, this wall suspends my soul.
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Hey Dreamer here for a review. I'm going to review as I go so I don't forget things along the way. here goes.... I love your first paragraph it has a lot of imagery and it really catches the readers attention.
Wow the second paragraph even though it was so short I literally felt the emotion.
In the third paragraph the imagery and the emotion was strong. But where did the jade green and rust orange come from when she is only throwing red paint?
In the 4th paragraph I can see that she is fighting emotions inside her and her father did something that she hates and it goes beyond any other emotion she felt.
wow that was a shocker that she is all bloody and I like the imagery she gave to each of the feeling and the imagery is clear and I can see the anger and the painting in my head.
I liked that next paragraph it makes it seem that she relieved herself of all that negative emotion inside of her by putting it all on the wall.
That next paragraph was very powerful but I'm confused...I thought she was alone in the room by herself letting out her emotions? how does the friend fit into there? I think you need to refraise that sentence to where it makes more sense.
I like that question you give at the end it is equally as sad and happy as it is with the demonic power of the story.
I like how the mood is gradually getting happier and the beast inside her is calming her down to relieve her of everything.
I think that is a great way to sum up the ending making it seem calm and complete. I don't understand why anyone would cover it up....isn't it her wall in her special place not anyone else's?
Over all I think that you have a very powerful story here and I hope you get an A in your writing class because you greatly diserve it. I don't see any spelling or grammer errors so that's good. Good Job, Good Luck, and Keep on Writing
Hello briggsy1996,
Happy Review Day! This is Magenta here to write you a quick review on your short story, The Wall, which you recently submitted to the website. It seems that I am your first reviewer, so I hope I do well. As a part of the Majestic Icicles, I must serve and complete my duties as a great reviewer! I shall stall no longer and continue on with my review.
"The red paint chose me, calling out like an open wound seeking medical attention. I dipped my brush obediently into the container and wiped the excess on the side with precision. I shuffled backwards, away from the white canvas branching out from one corner of the room to the next. The creaking of the floors in my new house startled me, and it took me a moment to regain my poise. Summer scents wafted through my open window with the breeze and filled my lungs with resolve."
Wow! I really love the description that you have in here. The imagery is fantastic and I couldn't write this review without commenting on your lovely style of writing. The simile that you have in the first sentence is great. It's a good one. I'm not sure if you need "obediently" in there because it doesn't really explain anything and you aren't doing it that way, or so it seems. I would also suggest taking out that comma that you have there in front of the word "and" in the fourth sentence of this paragraph. Resolve? I'm not sure if this is really the right word you want here. I understand what you mean. At least I think I do. Do you mean relief or pleasure or what? It just doesn't seem like the ideal word in this sentence. Just a comment. I'm really picky by the way, so just ignore some of these if they sound too useless or anything. You know what I mean, right?
"A second splatter; this time messier, bloodier, and angrier." I don't think that you should have the word "angrier" italicized. It doesn't work as good on the emphasis as you want it to. Maybe have an ellipsis here. "A second splatter; this time messier, bloodier... angrier." I'm not sure. Although, I think that it would be fine the way that you have it. It was just something that I saw.
I love the way you relate the colors going to the wall to your feelings and what you thought and how you were able to mix them together in a medley of your powerful emotions. Great job. You really gained the reader's empathy there and captured the true feelings that are brewing inside of your main character.
"My story was beautiful! Isn’t that the definition of art?"
This part is very powerful and I feel the message that you've put here. I love the way that you worded this. I think that this is a beautifully written piece and I would love to see some more of
your writing circulating throughout this site because you have a real talent for writing. I'm going to follow you now!
~ Magenta
This was deep and suspenseful. Absolutely phenomenal!!! I can just see the pain, and malice that was portrayed, representing the past. The color choices for those particular events was utterly accurate and when i read this i was able to imagine when, if it was read out loud, the voice would rise at the escalating emotions, and soften as the seething emotions began to deteriorate. THe word choice is perfect and the manner that it was written in was very passionate. THis was really an incredibly good piece. two thumbs up, this was great and creative. You have great imagery skills and that's something to be proud of, and this piece should receive and immense amount of pride as well. Great,great job. absolutely breathtaking.