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At Dawn

by brianna.nicole

The light trickles in
through the dusty blinds.
Muscles tense and release,
legs swing towards the cold tile,
feet pattering to the window.
The chord is tugged and
as blinds shoot upwards,
the room fills with warmth.
Outside, a hawk sits on a branch,
turning towards the sunrise,
spreading out it's wings then
taking off in feathery flight.
Eyes turn away from the view.
It's time to start the morning.

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91 Reviews

Points: 1925
Reviews: 91

Fri Oct 25, 2019 9:31 pm
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dahlia58 wrote a review...

I loved the stong imagery used in this poem. I can practically see the waking-up-in-the-morning scene unfold in front of me. My favorite part is the "muscles tense and release" line, because, personally I especially enjoy stretching in the morning.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but this is a free verse poem, is it not? I enjoyed reading it very much.

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157 Reviews

Points: 13973
Reviews: 157

Wed Oct 16, 2019 1:27 pm
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soundofmind wrote a review...

Hey Brianna! I'm here to review your poem!

There's a lot of good imagery here! You do a very good job painting a visual picture of what's going on without many words, which can be difficult to do. I quite enjoy it! And though I know with poetry there's a lot of rules on punctuation, and a lot of people are for it, it actually took me a hot second to adjust the way I read the poem because there was punctuation - specifically at the end of a line. I don't think this is something you necessarily have to change, but I thought it was worth noting. I think in poetry, there's already a bit of a natural pause at the end of a line in the same sort of way a comma adds a small pause, so I don't know if adding a comma at the end is necessary.

But then again, that's not a rule thing - that's really more my personal preference! I think the poem still stands strong with or without them.

The chord is tugged and

Quick little note here - is it supposed to be chord? I think if we were talking music, chord would work just fine, but I think the correct spelling might be cord, as in a cord of rope, or a cord like the string you pull to lift blinds.

Eyes turn away from the view.
It's time to start the morning.

I do like how you make known the "viewer" of this scene at the end, but I almost wish you would've given it a more personal touch. Here, in using "eyes" you're taking away any pronouns that might make this feel more... I don't know... personal? I might've liked to see "Her eyes turned away" or "My eyes turned away" instead, only because it feels more personal and connected to an actual person instead of some generic "eyes." It has a similar effect to when people use the royal "we" or say "one turned their eyes away." Like... one what? One dog? One person? One set of eyeballs floating in space?

Lol, I know it's not that big of a deal, but I'm just using hyperbole to try and make a little point. Not a big change but it might change the feel of the poem just a bit!

And on the same note of making the poem more personal - I guess in terms of the message behind the poem, it feels pretty simple to me. Nothing wrong with that! But I would be interested to hear if this was meant to be a visual picture or metaphor for something else. I think poetry is a fun way to describe our surroundings and doesn't always need to mean something "deep" but if there was something more going on in your head when writing this I'd be down to hear! And curious if that could be incorporated into the poem somehow.

Not that it needs to be longer - but it might be fun to experiment and expand on the idea of new beginnings every morning, fresh starts, and stuff like that.

Anyway, I think that's all from me! Hopefully, some of this was helpful! Thanks for sharing your beautiful poem with us! :)

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Points: 25
Reviews: 1

Sat Oct 12, 2019 3:39 pm
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warhorse51 says...

The scenes are playing out in my mind as I read further. A good example of show>tell when writing.

Somehow I think this subtly tells that every being starts the day differently. Like how the hawk went on it's way vs. how typical human beings goes out of bed whether to go to work or school.

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277 Reviews

Points: 3002
Reviews: 277

Fri Oct 11, 2019 8:00 pm
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Horisun wrote a review...

Hello! It is I, Horisun, which is pretty amusing to me because my username is just a misspelled version of Horizon. (I did that on purpose, I promise I'm a decent speller) And this poem is about the sunrise, which just so happens to be on the horisun- I mean, horizon!
I really lik this poem, and I love how you decribed everything! It really helped me invision the things you were describing! The level of detale is wunderful, and the figurtive language is on point!
I do have one question, and that's why the bird was specifically a hak. I was wondering if there was some symbellisom too it, or u just lik haks? I have a feeling it was problay the lattor.

(I'm sorry about misspelling everything, that was probably really annoying to read. XD)

This poem is certainly getting a like from me! Really impressive stuff here! If one things for sure, this poem has a lot better spelin than me! (Though, seriously, I promise I'm not actually this bad at spelling) I really hope to see more writing from you soon! Keep on writing, and do what you love! Have a good day!

— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi