Published February 25, 2010
The snow has that effect on people you know what I mean?
Everything turns white as cotton, nothings what it seems.
Smiles shine as the child in us starts to come on out,
throwing snowballs and tackling each other is what it's all about.
I was so excited when I saw that you came out to play,
I did not know just how to act but threw some snow your way.
You put on a sneaky grin and flexed your muscles strong,
You threw me in the huge white drifts just to follow in along.
Rugby tackles and holding on, hanging off each word you said
My eyes go wide, the snow rains down, from high above my head.
You laugh and it's contagious, I just can't help myself,
I didn't want to find my voice and play scream out for help.
The soft white water in frozen flakes shined ten thousand colors,
I tried to shake my feelings off and focus on the others.
I hugged on to my girls but unconscious glances I did take
My head was screaming at you I love every move you make.
But each and every night must end, against a person's will,
I take in each and every breathe until I get my fill.
My fingers, feet, and legs and face were colder then before,
Warmth and heat looked so inviting waving from the door.
I gave you a sad smile, already I'm missing you,
but you just smiled back and waved before bidding us adieu.
The long walk back was quiet, cold and filled with a soft sorrow,
but hope still glimmers with the knowledge that I'll see you tomorrow.
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,707 Reviews
I agree with May on that. I actually like the long lines, the story feel to it, but it looks better to the eye with shorter line.
^^^^^ I definitely know what you mean.
I love your title for this poem, it really caught my attention.
Keep on writing! God Bless!
I agree with MayApple that the lines are a little difficult to read when they're that long, so maybe try splitting them as she suggested. I also thought the first line sounded a little too conversational. I would change "I hugged on to my girls but unconscious glances I did take" to "...I would take" because the way it is at the moment makes it sound a little obvious that it was re-worded to make it rhyme. Apart from that, I liked it. It's light-hearted and cute, and very decriptive, so good job.
May here,
I really like this poem. I do, a lot.
BUT.... I feel like I am reading a story sometimes, your lines are just too long.
For example:
Try:
The snow has that effect on people,
you know what I mean?
Everything turns white as fluff,
nothings what it seems.
Smiles shine as the child in us
starts to come on out,
throwing snowballs and tackling each other
is what it's all about.
It flows better, and is easier to read. And another thing, change "Everything turns white as fluff" to "Everything is white like fluff." could you use another word instead of fluff, it makes it seem childish. Try lace, or clouds ect.
other than that I really do lke the poem, it has a nice meaning and a good, happy feeling to it. Keep writing.
May