Ok now. This is the uh, third editing I believe. I really wanted to thank everyone profusely for their help. I'm thrilled that this story is getting such great reviews. Thanks everyone!!
Tanya
It’s gotten to the point where you can’t trust anyone anymore.
I wasn’t always this jaded but working nightshift in a gas station tended to show you the real side of people. The nasty side. The side they kept from everyone but me. Lucky me.
* * *
I stepped out of the storage room at the back of the store, skilfully balancing an armful of pop cans. In my shadow trailed Riley, the hundred-and-forty-pound dog assigned to me during the night shift I worked. I nudged open the fridge door with my elbow and deftly filled the available space while glancing at the magnificent animal by my side. At the moment he was seated with his ears pricked and his head cocked as he surveyed the store. We knew there was nothing lurking in here with us but his job was to keep me safe and he did it well. Riley was completely black except for a small patch of white on his chest, a quality I found endearing. Somehow, he seemed less fierce being two-toned that way. I just hoped my clients didn’t see it that way. To them, he had to be very fierce.
When I’d started night shift in the gas station, it hadn’t been necessary to have a guard dog. Because it also served as a corner store, I often got clients at night. It hadn’t been a problem until a year ago. I was locked in and they were locked out. Period. I served them by a little magnetised bulletproof window that the clients hated but it kept me safe. I could get for them anything in the store and they had to pay their gas in advance. Everything was going perfectly, for me anyway. Then things got a little more serious. A furious customer grabbed an outside garbage can and began slamming it against the door; the glass shattered. Another managed to get a hold of our store keys (don’t ask me how, we’re still trying to figure that out) and made a copy. I was in the back store that night when it happened. I heard a noise, went out to investigate and saw a scrawny teenager in my store, looking around greedily. I backed up three steps, slammed and locked the bathroom door. Thankfully, I always carried the wireless phone clipped to my belt.
These occasions –and many more- made me rather popular with the cops. My boss had pleaded with his bosses to reinforce the security of the store to protect his employee and they had refused. When the cops had insisted the measures of protection weren’t adequate and they would need to strengthen them, they had refused. Finally, the cops had called the director of Shelco and said that from then on they would be posting a cop car on the property and would send their fees to the director to pay. If he wouldn’t protect his employees, they would, but at a price.
That night, I got my first guard dog.
His name was Quinn and he was a big German shepherd. I had him for eleven months and things went smoothly. A month ago, Casey, Quinn’s owner called my boss and said his dog was getting too old to work five days a week and he’d prefer being transferred to nights on the weekend. The switch was made and the following Sunday night, I had Riley. Now, don’t get me wrong, Quinn and I had a good thing going but with Riley . . . There was just something different about Riley. Whenever I was around the beautiful animal, I had to struggle with myself to not curl my fingers in his thick fur. It looked lustrous and everything in me demanded that I touch. But I couldn’t; it simply wasn’t permitted. The dogs were there for my protection, not to be coddled or fondled. As soon as our shift ended, I could touch him but Riley was out the door at seven o’clock on the dot.
I suddenly realised that while I’d permitted my thoughts to wander, I’d been staring at Riley, the fridge door wide open. Funny thing was, Riley was actually holding my stare. Huh, weird. I let the door close and rubbed my chilled arms and turned to head back to the back for more cans when movement outside caught my eye. I looked up and spotted Eric, one of my regulars.
“Riley,” I said, warning him there was a customer. “It’s okay; it’s Eric.”
With what sounded like a very human sigh, Riley headed to the back of the store and entered the storage room. Eric was one of those lazy customers who needed to get a life. He was always here at night. For that matter, he was here for every shift. He didn’t want to drive to the super market (five minutes away) for his milk or bread, pop or even toilet paper. So he showed up often to pick up what he needed. He fancied himself our best customer. I didn’t have the heart to disagree. Besides, he was probably right. After a week of Riley standing guard whenever Eric arrived, he began to relax. Eric liked to talk and buy lottery tickets, stayed around, talked and scratched. Even the formidable Riley was permitted to get bored.
I went to the door and pushed the manual lock to let Eric in. “Hey, Eric!” I called out and smiled. He closed the door behind him –the only rule I had for the regulars I let in- and I made my way back behind the counter, certain he would ask for his usual, cigarettes and lotteries.
But he didn’t approach the counter. Instead, he stayed at the door, fidgeting with his leather coat. Why in the world was he wearing such a heavy coat in the middle of July? I frowned at him but he didn’t seem to notice. “Eric, you alright?”
His head snapped up and he met my eyes. “Yeah, sorry. Just a bit cold tonight, can’t seem to warm up, you know?”
“You might be coming down with something. Is anyone sick at home?”
“No, not yet. Maybe it’s because of the air conditioning.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
He browsed the store, walking between the aisles of chips and peanuts, passing in front of the pop cans, the juices, the energy drinks. He barely glanced at them. He headed for the milk, stopped, turned. Looked around.
“Can’t remember what you needed? Milk? Bread? Cigarettes?”I enumerated what he usually came to get.
He shook his head almost violently and my frown returned. There was something not right with him. Had he had a fight with his wife? Was there something wrong with his daughter?
He began walking decisively toward me but instead of coming to face me at the counter, he turned right. I stared in astonishment as Eric, one of my friendliest and most trusted customers, rounded the corner leading to my cash registers and said, “Where’s your dog?”
I wasn’t sure whether Riley was snoozing or marking his territory, but since I had reassured him that it was Eric I was letting in, he had disappeared back there and hadn’t come back out. Normally, I would have told this to Eric but he had a weird look to him that was quite frankly freaking me out. Eric normally showed up several times a night. Tonight, though, was his first. Therefore, he did not know I was lying and that Riley was lying in wait. Or doggy snoring.
So, I shrugged. “He hasn’t come in yet. It’s weird too ‘cause that’s never happened before and Mr. Porter hasn’t called.” Travis Porter was Riley’s owner.
Eric pushed through the little brown western-looking door and it swung back in its place with a squeak. Part of me was hoping he only wanted Aspirin or Tylenol displayed on the back wall. Maybe even a toothbrush or condoms. But when he set foot on the step leading to my cash registers -and to me- I knew two things: One, Eric was stepping into no man’s land. No customer was permitted behind the counter, ever. And two, I was in big trouble and my guard dog was nowhere to be found. Lucky me.
I forced a laugh, trying to diffuse the situation. “Eric, what are you doing? You can’t get your cigarettes on your own; that’s my job.” I wasn’t stupid; I was pretty sure what he wanted but I was hoping to shake him out of it.
“It’s not cigarettes I want, Shanna, it’s money.”
“You work three jobs, don’t you have enough money?”
He raked a hand through his brown-grey hair. His desperate blue eyes held mine, beseeching me to understand. “It’s not enough, never enough! I work my ass off, all day and at night. I work three jobs, Shanna, three! But there are always bills to pay, mortgage, cars. We need food on the table and clothes on our backs. My daughter, she’s only two years old and children that age grow so fast. It seems like every month we’re buying new clothes for her.” Again, he ran his hand through his hair, making it stand on end. He pulled a long knife out of his pants and for just one second I paused, wondering how he’d managed to not nick anything in there with that wicked-looking blade. Then he flashed his knife in front of my eyes and I yelped, finally afraid.
I stood facing Eric, my eyes wide with shock, my heart hammering to the beat of a wild tango. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a movement and realised that my guard dog had finally woken up. Riley! I thought with relief. I worried for a second that Eric might be carrying a gun but I could see no obvious bulges in his clothes. Still with my peripheral vision, I noticed Riley slink behind the peanut rack, then the chip one.
Because the racks were placed diagonally, with the rows facing me, Eric could not see the dog. But once Riley made it to the end of the racks and turned left toward us, Eric would be able to see him if he simply turned his head. I needed to distract the man.
Ever so slowly, I eased to the left, forcing my paralysed body to lean against the other counter. It screamed in protest; I was stepping away from the mace can I kept beside my cash, away from the panic button that would alert the cops of my situation, away also from the small pocket knife I kept at hand. Instead of panicking about my movements, Eric heaved a sigh of relief. I realised he was keeping an eye on my hands, in case they strayed toward the little red button I’d sometimes used to call for the authorities. Not this time, buster, my dog will take care of you, I thought.
I’ve been held up before and never had I made such a fuss. The rule was simple; just give the robber the money. My life was more important than the few hundreds he might make off with. That was true; I did value my life more than the store’s money but what held me back was the hope that Eric would see reason. If I just opened the register and poured the money in a bag, the theft was a done deal. But I knew this man; he had helped me out with frustrated customers in the past. He was one of the few I actually trusted in my store at night. I knew his wife and daughter; they often came to gas up in the morning. I felt like giving him the money would be giving up on him and I just couldn’t do that. I had to try.
I noticed Riley peek around the corner, then edge forward, keeping his eyes on me. I had to distract Eric from the huge black and white dog coming our way. “I don’t see how you couldn’t make ends meet, Eric. It’s not like you own a castle with fifty kids. Okay, your wife stays at home to take care of your daughter, but thousands of people do the same and they’re not here in the middle of the night . . . begging for money.” I wasn’t going to say ‘holding up the cashier for money’ because I was trying to steer him away from that thought.
Eric took a step closer to me, brandishing his knife menacingly. “You know why I need it; I gamble. It’s my passion, my hobby, the love of my life; my mistress.”
Uh, ew. We were talking about gambling, right?
“I’ve seen the way you look at me; you judge me like everyone else does.” His eyes narrowed and his lips pulled back in a silent snarl.
“Eric, I don’t judge you. I just wish I had known before what a problem your gambling was; I could have gotten you some help.” My eyes were pleading with his. I didn’t want him to do this; he had a little girl and a wife waiting for him at home. So far, he hadn’t threatened me except for flashing the knife around but he himself seemed to hesitate. I studied his eyes carefully and suddenly noticed his pupils were hugely dilated. Oh my god, he was on something! What kind of drugs had he taken? I wasn’t very good with that, but surely something in his system had prompted him to act so out of character? I simply could not believe that Eric, the same handsome, friendly client I’d served for the past five years would turn on me. Not so suddenly.
My lie was apparently convincing because he paused, his knife held mid-air. Then he narrowed his eyes again. “Gambling isn’t a problem, Shanna, it’s my life! The only problem is that Lady Luck hasn’t been on my side lately, but she is bound to. She cannot have abandoned me this way.”
“If it isn’t a problem,” I said softly, “then what are you doing here?”
His mouth opened, but he did not get the chance to speak. A low, threatening growl sounded behind him and he whirled, startled. The turn was probably too fast on him because he swayed dangerously, gripping the counter to steady himself. Riley pounced on him and a second later he was flat on his back. But as he went down, he jerked his knife arm backward and his blade plunged into my left arm, cutting across it before pulling free and falling to the floor.
My scream jerked Riley’s head up and when he saw the blood pouring out of my arm, he opened his wide jaws and bit on Eric’s throat. Gently, not to hurt him, but enough to show Eric he meant business. In the meantime, he growled, a truly threatening sound coming from his open mouth. Forgetting my pain, only thinking of protecting my dog, I knelt and tried pulling the knife from Eric’s grip; he refused to relinquish it. “Come on, Eric! Give it to me.”
“You can’t have it, it’s mine!” he yelled, sobbing.
My eyes flicked over to his face and I held on to a desperate laugh; he sounded like a child who didn’t want to share. I once again tried to pry his fingers but to no avail. Disgruntled, I sighed, rose, lifted my foot –wishing I’d worn stilettos instead of sneakers- and slammed my foot on his wrist. He screamed but held on. I brought my foot up and down again, then I put my full weight on his arm and leaned forward to press the tiny red button. This time, he let go. I stooped and snagged the knife on the floor, throwing it aside.
I wrenched the first aid kit out of its hiding place under the counter and managed to open it up. With my teeth I tore open the gauze bandage and managed to crudely wrap my arm with it. It wasn’t perfect or even pretty but it should staunch the flow of blood.
As usual, the cops were quick to arrive and I buzzed them in with the tiny button under my cash. They came in to find me slumped on a stool, the blood seeping through my gauze. One of the two cops was Natalie Sanders, a friendly cop who often stopped by to check up on me. The other was her partner Tate Channing. The cops scanned the store quickly, right hands holding their guns. They knew I meant business if I had pressed the button; otherwise I would have called.
“Shanna, what is it?” Natalie’s voice was tight, professional but I could detect a small note of worry. Then again, maybe the blood-loss had me hallucinating.
I jerked my head to the left, struggling to hold on to consciousness. Sanders and Channing approached the counter warily, pushed the little door out of the way and stopped, shocked, when they found Eric, sobbing on the floor, Riley growling and drooling non-stop, and me bleeding like a stuck pig.
In no time flat, Tate had called the ambulance and another police car, Natalie had convinced Riley to relinquish his hold on Eric, had cuffed him and set him in the back of their car. They had me call my boss, David, who arrived within thirty minutes, confused and worried about me. The other car showed up and Tate transferred Eric to their car before gently guiding me to his and Natalie’s. Twelve minutes later, we were at the hospital emergency and I was still struggling to remain conscious. But when the doctor removed the brown paper covering my wound and I saw the extent of the damage, I gave up and all went black.
End of chapter
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140,703 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Hey, mom. I'm here for a review.
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NITPICKS|ADDED|CHANGED|PAY ATTENTION
Nitpick #1
The space really makes a difference. It adds inconsistency to your work. Here, I think, you should stick with the space: night shift. Because I tried researching it, and nightshift just won't appear. So yeah...
So, I guess the first one was just a typo?
Nitpick #2
Oh this is funny.
Nitpick #3
Wait who had refused who? The bosses? Or the cops themselves?
Nitpick #4
Nothing grammatical wrong, but we can rearrange this. The phrasing was a bit awkward to read. Just one "back" has to be eliminated, I think. And it wouldn't affect the meaning much. Or:
It's up to you.
Nitpick #5
We can see that the parallelism of this statement is a bit awkward. You can stick with the infinitives rather than the verbs in past tense. I think it would make the flow better:
'Cause you know, it seems like Eric does like to do all those stuffs, and all of those should be under the "liked".
Nitpick #6
Nitpick #7
Nitpick #8
Nitpick #9
I just feel that a colon fits better there.
Nitpick #10
Nitpick #11
Nitpick #12
I have here an example of one of your compound sentences, not separated by commas. Well, you actually don't separate your compound sentences with commas. But in this case, we have a clause, and sometimes, when more clauses are added to one of the independent clause in a compound sentence, it can be really confusing.
I hope you consider this one. Just a thought really.
Or.
Here, is the him Riley? Umm... if so, I think the name would be better before the pronoun.
Is that Channing Tatum? WHUT? HAHA... kidd'.
OVERALL
I'll have to be honest here. At the ending, the everything goes black is a very common ending, and I think you should spice that up with a unique description, I think. About the story as a whole, too, I would also like to say, that I'd like to see more of the action when Riley was biting on Eric. Just a little bit more description there. But anyway, this was nice. I laughed at times, like the Ew.....gambling part. So yeah...
It's fantasy though I can't see anything fantasy about it yet. I know that will come in time.
~ Son ♥
Ok heres what i like:
i actually laughed out loud after that line. could be the fact that i have a sarcastic sense of humour myself...
I love how you break the life-threatening situation with bits of what cynical humour. I completely relate, as I have often used this kind of humour in my own stressful circumstances. I want to explain a little to Vanadis. this is a defence mechanism used by a certain type of person. The "lucky me" bit fits i think because it isn't silly slapstick "hardy-har-har" humour which kills the mood of the scene, but a dark humour which fits perfectly with Shanna's character.
i also liked how you almost humanised Riley, and how he's loyal. i like the depth of the character Eric, which i think reflects the tragedy of real life. you never really know someone, and thus can't trust them, especially in that environment. i know its somewhat taken from real life, but there are some places and times where evil seems to accumulate. darkness exists in all of us, and i think you captured that very well
i got a little confused in this paragraph:
i thought that by the time the cops talked to her, Shanna was in sight. but the next paragraph ended describing Shanna seen bleeding, as if this is the first time they have seen her. it's a very technical question, just couldn't picture where everyone is orientated in the scene. try and figure out how you can clarify this to improve the continuity.
otherwise, aces! will get to the other chapters in due time
Hello there!
Sorry about the wait, but I said I would, and here I am.
The beginning is a really good hook-in. However, I might suggest taking "Lucky me." out of it because you break up something very foreboding with sarcasm. Seems to throw off the seriousness of the matter. Other than that, great.
I was going to tell you (and those who corrected) not to worry, and that spelling things "realized," "paralyzed," etc. with a Z is a mainly American thing, and that spelling it with an S is perfectly correct as well, but you beat me to it.
I can't really find much else wrong with your grammar--it's good. I'm quite impressed.
I agree with what others have said that perhaps more should be told about Shanna; we know more about Eric than we do about our main character. You could probably just slip a few small details about her in the narration, in places where something might fit. That would improve hugely without too much hair-pulling.
I sort of like that you haven't described the corner store in excruciating detail, as we've all seen convenience stores before, and they're all pretty much the same. You describe that there's a step-up to her station, and you say how the shelves are arranged. That's really, as far as a corner store goes, what we need to know.
I'm going to let the bleeding out thing go a bit; yeah, she probably would have lost consciousness a bit faster, but she covers the wound, which would slow the bleeding...I guess just take that into consideration...or have her wrench open the first aid kit and throw a gauze bandage tightly around it while the dog's wrestling Eric down. But it's plausible.
So my main thing is, and I know it's for plot purposes, but I want to know what's in her head that's making her not just give him the money. I've worked as a cashier for years, and at every job, we're told "If someone comes up and wants the money out of the register, I don't care if they are or seem armed or not, just give it to them. Your safety is more important than the money from your shift." And that's true. Companies have plenty of money (usually) and can easily write that off as a loss. So, something is making her defend it more than she defends herself. What's going through her head there?
Riley seems to have almost...er...human characteristics. This could get fun.
Your way of describing things is nice; you don't pile on the detail, yet you're not sparing with it. You seem to have a good balance with your narration.
This seems like it's going somewhere. I like it so far. I'm a little confused as to why it's in the fantasy category at this point, but I have faith that something's going to give it a nifty twist. You've done a good job!
If you'd like me to take a look at any further chapters, let me know when you post them. I'm really interested, and I'd love to check them out as well as give you some input.
Take care, and keep up the great work!
~Freyja
I think that the story was really good. It was interesting and there was parts that I hadn't thought that was coming. In the begining, I thought that you had put the story in the wrong section, but I guess not. There is just one part that bothers me. It's the part where Eric pulls the knife out of his pocket and you describe it as a "wicked knife". That just doesn't sound right to me. I think that you could describe it as long and sharp, but not "wicked". That's all I have. Keep writing, it seems like lots of people like your peice! Good luck!
Hey Tanya, here I am as requested!
There really wasn't anything for me to say other than good job! Your descriptions were great; I could easily picture the setting and events, and I love just how real your story feels.
I'd agree with Magnus and Pink about wanting to know more about Shanna. Right now, she's a little "flat"; I can sympathize with her for being in a situation such as hers, but there's not a lot that makes me really worry about her or root for her or anything. However, I absolutely love Riley, especially your description of him; I like the little detail of him being two toned (I love that color on dogs!).
Reading through, I only found a few minor nitpicks.
The semicolon should be a colon.
I really like your description here, showing how nervous/distracted he is. The dialogue should be a new paragraph, though, since the main bulk of the paragraph is about Eric, and it's Shanna who's talking.
You don't need quotes for her thoughts, just the italics will do.
Brilliant!
Do you mean "throwing"?
Okay, there you go! There really wasn't much for me to nitpick on.
Hey Tanya! I actually think I may have read the previous version? It sounded familiar. Anyways.
I really liked this chapter. Riley has a very pronounced personality for an animal. A lot of times in fiction dogs don't have such stand-out personalities. I like him a lot.
One thing that confused me a little... When Riley sneaks up on Eric he seems to come through the store, but I was under the impression that he was in the back room which I thought to be somewhere behind the cashier's counter. So he wouldn't have been out in the store and had to sneak around to get back behind the counter. And also, I'm not sure that he would go so slowly if he was a guard dog. He would attack quickly to help Shanna. Unless perhaps he has some sort non-dog-like attributes that we will discover later to make him act this way.
Well, great job. I'm off to check out the next chapters.
-Lauren
Hey hi! I haven't read the unedited version, so you just get my thoughts on this one as it stands now!
I'm a little confused as to why this is in fantasy, but I'm assuming that something will occur later on that will make it fit here. As of now, the only thing I can see that seems out of the ordinary is some of Riley's less dog-like behaviors.
For example: when Riley is approaching Eric, he apparently does so rather sneakily, slinking around almost like a cat. Dogs really don't do that. Cats, when they want to attack something, will lay in wait for it or sneak up on it. Dogs (with perhaps the exception of pointers for hunting gamebirds) don't sneak up on things. When they want to attack something, they do so very noisily. Perhaps however this is significant, that Riley does sneak up to catch Eric off-guard? If so, you might want to point out the oddity of this behavior. Perhaps have Shanna compare it to Quinn's more boisterous way of defending the place.
Something I noticed was that all the names being thrown at us are kind of hard to follow. It seems like there are a million characters being named and we don't have time to get to know all of them yet. Take your time introducing them and if a character isn't important until later, consider holding off on their introduction until it matters. For example, you name Quinn and Riley's respective owners by name, but they haven't played any part in the story yet. Consider holding onto that information until they appear in the story (if they do at all) so that the reader isn't overwhelmed by the extra names.
I liked this. It's solid and I liked Shanna's voice through the piece. Still not quite sure why you have put it in the genre you have, but like I said, I'm willing to roll with it and see where you go.
~GryphonFledgling
Oh man I'm here but I'm super late.
Sorry!
But I'll still review this!
Since nit-picks have been harvested I shall just do an overview.
Description You do an amazing job telling us her thoughts and explaining things but one there a little things that need your attention as well. Such things like how the gas station looks like, where she is at the moment, what the back store looks like. Simple things also need some attention especially in the setting part so I would have liked to see more description in that area. But again, you give us a clear understanding of what she's thinking and background knowledge that I don't have to ask second questions and I like that.
Characters I loved the characters, they were great! I love how you first described Eric as a happy-go-lucky kind of guy and then he comes in totally weirded out and all, it was pretty neat. I actually didn't expect that one. I still think your main character needs some work building a more 3-D type of character. I didn't really understand her thoughts and it was more a narrator kind of voice that played through my head as I read. Maybe bring some more of her thoughts and feelings into this piece and I think it can go further, but what you have is still awesome. I love Riley! He's so cute yet dangerous
Plot I'm not sure whether this is a long story or just a short story but what you have so far is interesting. I liked the speed of things it was fast but not so fast that you don't know what's going on. It's perfect.
Well that's all I gotta say for now, I mean I honestly enjoyed this so, gold star!
~Pink
Thank you fire of dawn. I was going to write down on my next posts to stop correcting these. If you google them, they both work. Maybe in the States you always write it a certain way, but here in Canada we also write it a certain way.
Thanks for the great reviews guys!!
Tanya
No, the spelling is right. It's a British thing.
Big improvement! Not that it was bad the first time, but this draft is much better.
There was just a couple of tiny grammar and spelling mistakes that I noticed.
The word in bold should be two words instead of one - you made this mistake a few times, I noticed - and there should be a comma between "jaded" and "but".
Word in bold is misspelled. And should it be "I served them through" instead of "I served them by"? That would make more sense.
I think you're missing a word between "garbage" and "and."
Word in bold should have a z instead of an s.
This seems to come out of nowhere, and it's hard to tell if Eric said it or the main character. Say who said it so your readers aren't confused.
Paralyzed has a z, not an s.
"Begging" doesn't need to be capitalized, since it's still part of the last sentence, not the start of a new one.
You don't need the dash between "two" and "second." Also, the second part of the sentence - the "Riley having pounced on him - doesn't flow very well. Maybe rephrase it?
If David doesn't show up for 30 minutes, and it takes them another 12 minutes to get to the ER, that means Shanna's been gushing blood everywhere for almost 45 minutes. I don't think she'd still be alive that long if she had a stab wound. She'd have bled to death already.
Those are really just minor little nit picks. Overall, this was a big improvement. The details on Quinn and the past robberies added some nice background and fleshed the story out, which was really what it needed. We still really don't a lot about the main character, Shanna, though. Some more information on her would be nice. Maybe Riley reminds her of her own dog, or when she's putting the pop cans in the fridge she can think about how nasty that kind tastes. Little details like those can really bring a piece to life, and they'll make a big difference. Good job revising, though! I could definitely notice the changes, and they helped a lot.
Hi
This was a great story, I couldnt find any grammar or spelling mistakes
I especialy like Riley, you dont see many books that have animals such as dogs being one of the main characters.
wiggy1
Please may you pm when you post the next installment
Again, I like it. It seems better, although I can't specifically remember much of what was changed, except for the names and the cops, really.
For information, the story is fantasy, it just doesn't come up at the first chapter, but it will
Good good,
love ya xxx
I really liked this story. I was a little surprised to find it in Fantasy Fiction, but whatever.
Good beginning.
I thought this was a little weird. Who shows up at a gas station a couple times a night?
Almost immediately, the main character is in a dangerous situation. You should slow it down and make it more suspenseful. Make Eric act weirder before he actually goes behind the counter instead of just leaping into the action.
This is the second time you've said it. Is it supposed to be intentional repetition, like the main character's catch phrase, or are you just repeating it for no reason? If the repetition doesn't have a purpose, I'd change that phrase to something else, like a sarcastic "wonderful" or "fantastic."
The bolded word is misspelled.
You should italicize the word "Riley!" since it's a thought.
Again, thoughts should be italicized.
Um, belly crawling? I can maybe see a dog "slinking" closer or something, but belly crawling just doesn't seem very realistic to me, especially not if it's a huge dog.
"He" doesn't need to be capitalized. And the "out" is unnecessary here - you can just say "he yelled" and it will make more sense.
Quick to arrive as usual? The main character's had to call the cops before? Maybe you should mention the previous incidents somewhere if she's been robbed before.
Some more detail on Eric and maybe on what the store looked like would be helpful, and the pacing is too fast in the beginning and at the end. The part where the police get there seems a bit rushed. You should also try to make the part where Eric tries to rob her more suspenseful. A longer fight between the dog and the robber would also add some nice action. Other than that, you did a nice job with this story! I would definitely want a dog like Riley watching my back if I worked night shift.
Hiya,
I couldn't find any mistakes in this and I loved it. My favourite character was Riley as my auntie used to have a dog that matches his description but my aunties dog was so much stupider. We all loved him but sadly he got old and as everything does he died.
Keep writing this was a really good piece and I really enjoyed reading it.
Love it! Since I'm the only person to have read the original - I think - I must say it's a lot better!
I didn't notice any big grammar mistakes, so I won't bother myself looking for them.
Like where this is going, want to see the rest!
love ya xxx
i really liked it! i am horrid at reviews on grammer and whatnot. i really liked riley, i have an akita that sound like you discribed him as, excepts mine's blondish
anyway, keep up the good work!