Published November 20, 2016
I heard what the strange, callous girl said: She will kill me, and willingly. This horrifies me, but if there’s one thing I know, it’s that showing fear is always a bad choice. So I stay silent and still for an hour and a half, until the tank stops in front of what looks like an old supermarket.
“This is your base?” I can’t help asking. The girl raises her hand. I flinch, expecting her to hit me, but she’s just typing a code on a small screen near the door.
The door opens. A crowd of soldiers is inside. They stare at my face with obvious hatred.
It’s almost a relief when we enter a small, less crowded room.
The girl paces, while a guard forces me into a chair.
“It’s the first day of school for normal children,” she says.
I stare at her blankly.
“And you were going to attack them, weren’t you? Target the innocents?”
“What— “
“No, of course you weren’t. You were scouting ahead, feeding information to your rich dad. Is that right?”
Finally getting a word in edgewise, I tell her, “Actually, I ran away so I wouldn’t turn out like him.”
“And I’m supposed to believe the most wanted teenager of the century? Maybe I should just take you back to where you came from.”
I look into her eyes. “I know I’m your enemy, but you can’t do that. Kill me like you were planning to, make me a slave, I won’t complain, but don’t send me back.”
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
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140,703 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Heya, Booksisminecrafter! This is Casanova to do a review for you! Let's fet to it.
Anyway, I would like to specifically start with dialogue. You have a lot of it, which kinda bores me to an extent. Try to describe what you're trying to say through the actions of the characters, thoughts of the characters, and the way people react to things. With dialogue you can also switch up,"he said,","she asked," be doing things like,"he scoffed,"and,"she sobbed." This changes it up to where it's not repetitive, and also makes it where you convey more emotion. Dialogue phrasing does have a lot to do with the emotion, but I find the words you write that show how it's said conveys more emotion, if that makes any sense.
Anyway, my next point. This chapter is extremely short. That's extremely off putting considering all of the dialogue. Now, if there was less dialogue here and more information and plot, I wouldn't be bothered by that.
My next point is that you don't really have that much plot. I feel as if this doesn't really move anywhere, and that you could do well with adding more to it. Play around with the characters, make them go somewhere. I don't want to read this and fall asleep. I want to read it while tired and have that wake me up. I want to be excited. I don't want to be bored.
A lot of this I could see coming from a computer voice. Even the information. An example-
There's soldiers there. Where's the emotion? Fear? There isn't anything there but you telling us exactly what's going on. And I don't like that.
Anyway, hope this helped. Keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron.
Sillia here!!
WHY IS THIS SO SHORT I NEED MORE.
Ahem.....anyway on to my review xD If you can't tell I really liked this story and I'll for sure go back and read the other chapters. I have a few suggestions. I would like to make a few suggestions Maybe some more detail would help just to reconnect with everything. There is a lot of really good like...story line here and I think that is has a lot of potential. Honestly its hard to write a review on something so short. But anyway, onto what I can review lol.
I like how I can tell her (?) personality from this section, even given how short it is. First person point of view is really..kind difficult to do but I think that you did really good job on this.
I feel like im kind of repeating myself here lol. But what if you considered adding a little more detail? maybe the room that she (?) was in or what the soldiers were wearing or the lighting or the room. Maybe it was said in one of the earlier chapters but I would enjoy it more if there was a little more..visual i guess to help me connect.
Like this part; what does the gaurd look like? Is the chair metal or wood? is the leg loose? What does she(?) notices about the surroundings. Sorry if i'm saying she and in reality its a guy xD
Its really good though and I liked it a lot. I look forward to more
Keep writing!
Sillia