Heya, Booksisminecrafter! This is Casanova to do a review for you! Let's fet to it.
Anyway, I would like to specifically start with dialogue. You have a lot of it, which kinda bores me to an extent. Try to describe what you're trying to say through the actions of the characters, thoughts of the characters, and the way people react to things. With dialogue you can also switch up,"he said,","she asked," be doing things like,"he scoffed,"and,"she sobbed." This changes it up to where it's not repetitive, and also makes it where you convey more emotion. Dialogue phrasing does have a lot to do with the emotion, but I find the words you write that show how it's said conveys more emotion, if that makes any sense.
Anyway, my next point. This chapter is extremely short. That's extremely off putting considering all of the dialogue. Now, if there was less dialogue here and more information and plot, I wouldn't be bothered by that.
My next point is that you don't really have that much plot. I feel as if this doesn't really move anywhere, and that you could do well with adding more to it. Play around with the characters, make them go somewhere. I don't want to read this and fall asleep. I want to read it while tired and have that wake me up. I want to be excited. I don't want to be bored.
A lot of this I could see coming from a computer voice. Even the information. An example-
The door opens. A crowd of soldiers is inside. They stare at my face with obvious hatred.
There's soldiers there. Where's the emotion? Fear? There isn't anything there but you telling us exactly what's going on. And I don't like that.
Anyway, hope this helped. Keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron.
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