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125,029 Literary Works • 672,785 Reviews
I can empathise with the loss depicted in this poem, I understand what it means to have someone by your side and all of a sudden the person disappears. The poem doesn't rhyme but this is a piece that doesn't need to, the brevity is amazing and I think it shows our human emotions. The ending is very nice and makes the poem solid, I like your metaphors and your description.
Don't stop writing.
Thanks a lot SidPorter1. I will never stop writing!
Hey there! First of all, late welcome to YWS! I hope you are enjoying it so far
This is a lovely poem. You had some great lines talking about loss, which is a hard subject to talk about and a hard feeling to go through. I love your last two lines and "You taught me everything/ But you never taught me how to live without you" You did a really good job with portraying the pain of loss. Nice job! I have a few things I'd like to point out. Some of these are just suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to! <3
This is just a personal preference, but I feel that the first stanza could be separated into two, the first line of the new second stanza being "They came and took you"
You use a lot of ellipsis in your poem. I think using a whole bunch of them takes away from the importance of it. If you are going to use it, I recommend using it only once, or even twice, but not as many times as you did. But this is also a personal opinion!
"it's" should be "its" since it is not saying "it is shore"
I think this would sound better if you said "Feels like I am walking"
It should be "And is hovering between US and ME" if the heart is hovering, or "And I am hovering between US and ME" if it's the speaker hovering.
You don't need a space between "grief" and the comma.
Overall, this is a hauntingly beautiful poem. I enjoyed reading it, and I hope this helped!
Hey, no offence. One should accept praise as well as the mistakes from any type of work. I want to thank you first for analyzing my poem and presenting the pros and cons of it. It helped me a lot. Since I don't know many technical terms regarding poetry writing I was at a loss on what do next. After this post I got a confidence that I am not alone in this. Yeah I will keep those tips in my mind and I will slowly correct them and bring them into shape. Thank you and have a nice day
Of course! I am happy to help
I replied to your PM about the ellipsis, and I hope that makes more sense now! Don't worry about not knowing many technical things about poetry! If you ever have any questions, feel free to ask around! <3
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewforum.php?f=152
This page can help you with specifics regrading poetry!
viewforum.php?f=320
Ahh, I don't know if the previous link works. You can copy and paste the above link!
Thank you for your quick response. I will refer those. I will surely ask around incase of any queries
Legacy here for a review.
I love the content of this poem but it was very difficult to read because the white text is directly over the white bits of the background. It would be nice if maybe you could accompany this with voice if you wanted to keep the image for those that have a hard time reading it.
I love how the description of loss is being compared to drowning (although this has been used before, you write it in a way that sounds new). The ending of this is heartbreaking. I feel for anyone that can relate to this poem.
I can't really say much grammatically since I don't see anything wrong in that area. The stanza breaks are in natural spots throughout the poem.
I hope this was helpful, Legacy out.
Thank you. It really means a lot. Yeah I will work on that audio. I want to thank you for your time and also for this helpful review.
I really liked this!
"As if half of me is already lost I don't know whether to cry Or feel angry for being left alone, I lost you...I feel people talking...consoling me But I am numb. They came and took you Like a tide washing it's shore away" I really! Really liked that!!
But i was a bit confused about is was she in a dream for halve of the story? Because you say "When I wake up the next day and go to your room.. just to find the bed empty.." Was she asleep?
But anyway that was my short review! and thank you for sharing this piece of writing!
-Sunset (MissVelociraptor)
Thanks. Glad to know that the poem touched your heart. For the second part I wrote it as the aftermath of the loss that is till the end of the first day she was numb but the next day the void of that person hit her very badly and that's when she felt the grief. Hope I cleared the confusion. Thanks again for your review.