The Prince and the Lost Sword: Prologue

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I believe in the power of the man’s heart. Although full of frailties and uncertainties, I still believe that, deep inside, there lies true power—the courage, wisdom and, most of all, humility in knowing that not in every time the heart triumphs. That in knowing its limitations, it comes to know itself, its true identity, its destiny…

Hmm...well this is an interesting passage to start off a prologue. Quite often this is a bit of a scene here, but what we have here reminds me of the sort of narration you might expect to see at the start of a movie with a title like what this story here happens to have. It certainly is a pretty interesting moment here that catches your attention with where it may possibly be trying to go.

I had seen it once, and today, I believe that I shall see it once again… when the race of man decided that despite all that has happened—the adversities, maladies and ill-fortune it had caused—it would, once again, decide to stand up for what it believes is right and fight for the ones he loves… that at the end of the day, after all the chaos it had caused, there lies the power to restore what it has destroyed, undone what it has done and heal what it has broken…

Well this is certainly continuing in that vein of things being from a sort of omniscient narrator although this time there seems to be a little more personality to the narrator than what we saw in the previous couple of paragraphs. Its a very intriguing change and you get the feeling this narrator is almost part of something here. I am certainly liking this new development so far.

I believe that one day, that heart would come to the kingdom of Eola… and on that day, I shall stand by the peak of Mt. Ferimore and play the niubeleom, the golden niubeleom to fill that valor heart with pleasure and warmth…

One day I shall see him, son of man, with the heart that would free this land from hatred and anguish it is to suffer…

And on that day, I shall bow to him…

Okayy, we certainly have quite the grand ending there. I wasn't expecting quite that much of a flourish there to end things on, but we certainly got one. I think it makes for a pretty neat ending right here and you do quite a good job of building up to this moment here so we get a sense of epicness radiating off of that. As far as prologues, I'd say this one is pretty successful here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi, it's PenNPaper here.

This story was well written, and kept me wanting more. From what I understand, this son of man is trying to save something, right? And the narrator of this story is not human. I didn't really understand that part.

it would, once again, decide to stand up for what it believes is right and fight for the ones he loves… that at the end of the day, after all the chaos it had caused, there lies the power to restore what it has destroyed, undone what it has done and heal what it has broken…

Change all the 'it's to he.

Hi there. For the sake of brevity, I'll just be pointing out the issues I see. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

I believe in the power of a man’s heart.

"The man" means you're talking about a specific man. "A man" is more general.

humility in knowing that not in every time the heart triumphs.

I agree with tigress; this last bit is very unclear. I suggest rewording it to something like "humility in knowing that the heart does not always triumph."

Also, why is only the first paragraph italicized?

I had seen it once, and(comma) today, I believe that I shall see it once again… when the race of man decides (Watch your tenses.) that(comma) despite all that has happened—the adversities, maladies and ill-fortune it (What?) had caused—it would, once again, decide to stand up for what it believes is right and fight for the ones he (Who is "he"?) loves… that(comma) at the end of the day, after all the chaos it had caused, there lies the power to restore what it has destroyed, undone what it has done(comma) and heal what it has broken…

I believe that one day, that heart would come to the kingdom of Eola(comma) (Use ellipses sparingly.) and on that day, I shall stand by the peak of Mt. Ferimore and play the niubeleom, the golden niubeleom to fill that valor heart with pleasure and warmth…

What is a "niubeleom"? Why is it important that it be called a "niubeleom"?

One day I shall see him, son of man, with the heart that would free this land from the hatred and anguish it is to suffer…

Are you saying that, before the son of man comes, the land must suffer hatred and anguish? If that was not your intention, I suggest rephrasing it to something like "the hatred and anguish it suffers." No need for ellipses.

Incantation CXIX, Book of the Risen

The Great Wizard of Rouche

I think these lines would be better in italics.

I liked it and thought it was a great prologue! Awesome job! However, it was a teensy bit confusing in some parts. like here:

bookgeek wrote:humility in knowing that not in every time the heart triumphs.

It might just be that my sleep deprived brain is unable to comprehend that line, but it seems to be worded rather awkwardly. I didn't really get the full meaning of it, only a vague idea. It's a shame as this seemed to be an important line, and the prologue is so short that really every sentence plays a big part in the whole. However, this seems like an easy fix.

My only other problem was right here:

bookgeek wrote:when the race of man decided that despite all that has happened—the adversities, maladies and ill-fortune it had caused—it would, once again, decide to stand up for what it believes is right and fight for the ones he loves…

You go from referring to the race of man as "it" to "he". The pronoun "he" is only used once though, so it appears to just be a typo.

All in all, good job! I liked it!

~Becki