Published March 18, 2011
Hey everyone! I haven't posted a poem in a while and i wrote this one the other night so i thought i would post it! Thanks so much for reading this and I would appreciate any feedback!
Rejected
Realizing what he just said is
Exactly the opposite of what you wanted him to, you want him to
Just come out and say why you will never be
Enough for him ,you can't believe you were ever that
Clueless to fall for a guy so
Evil at heart, unfortunately the
Decision he made will forever be the reason you were temporarily unhappy
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Canary word: Present
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I thought the poem was a bit broken and sketchy. It felt like the line breaks weren't in the right spots. Try to make it flow a little more, unless of course broken was what you were going for. The words themselves, though, were really nice. I think you should have written more about how you feel whn this happens to you. It seemed a little short so I think that would be a good way for you to make it longer. My favorite part was the very last. I loved how you isolated the word unhappy! Though it may nor seem like it with all the things I've said, I truly liked this poem! Keep writing!
Hey there BookCutie! So, one thing I will definitely get at before I start this little critique thing is how very short this poem is! I know when I write poetry, I can never seem to slim it down to less than three stanza's. One short stanza and you have everything you want to get out, out, so I give you props for that. Now, onto the rest of this little diddy.
Okay so red means immediate grammatical changes need to be done. Green is what I like. I don't think theres any personal opinions in this so I wont need to comment on blue.
Overall
Though I give you props on having such a short poem, the free-forming stanza seems ill-placed and ill planned out. A good way to fix this would be to try and create a flow when you create sentences. Like Shakespeare when he wrote would use Iambic Pantameter (10 syllables per line and a couple other rules to this). That way, when you read his poetry, it would flow so effortlessly together that it didn't matter if you couldn't understand what he was saying. It would sound flawless.
So, try and give yourself a syllable count. Like the first line has 8, the second 7, the third 8 etc. etc. That way you'll have an interesting flow. But, if you were going for the whole 'free formed' and 'no rhymning' scheme then you pretty much appear to have that under wraps. It would just be easier for a reader to take this as a piece of poetry if it were formed more into what poetry sort of is. This looks like a paragraph from a diary just spaced out differently (sorry if that was harsh!) which is ideally what a lot of teenagers think poetry is and in some forms could be.
Oh well, I'm rambling. Either way, you have an interesting topic. I just think you should try and work on your form a little better!
~The.Dreamwalker
[quote="bookcutie"]
Rejected - i like the simplicity of the beginning
Realizing what he just said is
Exactly the opposite of what you wanted him to*, you want him to
Just come out and say why you will never be
Enough for him* ,you can't believe you were ever that
Clueless to fall for a guy so
Evil at heart*, unfortunately the
Decision he made will forever be the reason you were temporarily unhappy - i think you should change unhappy to something less cliche and more meaningfe]
Also, wherever there is an asterisk, you should move that line.
#1, move 'exactly the opposite of what you wanted him to' up to the line above it.
#2, move 'enough for him' onto the same line as 'just come out and say why you will never be'
#3, move 'evil at heart' up to 'clueless to fall for a guy' and move that line up to 'you cant believe you were ever that'
If you make those changes with the lines, and fixing 'unhappy' i think it'll be a spectacular piece!
One thing i really about this piece, is how simple it was, but that you expressed all your feelings into so little words. Great job!!
-PurpleHeart