All or None.
I don’t want to lose this
I’ve already lost so much
But everything is going against my wishes
I can feel it slipping
It’s sliding through my fingers
Along with my senses
My body’s shutting down
My heart’s going numb
It’s forcing all that I’m feeling out
Because it’s tired of beating as hard as it can
And being torn apart by those it beats for
So it’s forcing everything that makes it hurt away
Along with all the good and happy things
That keep emptiness at bay
In order to defend itself
My body’s forcing out my soul
Out of mind, out of body,
I see myself dying
And I’m terrified because I have no control
I’m panicking and I want to take it back
But it’s too late
I’m already gone
I see myself empty now
My eyes have no life in them
As they stare down at the blank sheet of paper
Pen in hand
Tears run down my face and I want to take it back
Give me my feeling back!
I’ll take the grief
I’ll take the sorrow and my defeat
Just give me back my passion!
I want to care again!
Take away my numbness
I can’t take it anymore!
I’ll take the pain
Give me anything, just leave me sane!
But it’s of no use
Because when I wished away my pain,
I wished away all feeling
Because it’s all or none
There can’t be heaven
If there isn’t hell
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
First of all, I think your poem would really benefit from punctuation. I recently read this fantastic article (because I tend to do the same thing when I attempt poetry) about punctuation in poetry and it says this: In many ways, it serves the same purpose as bar lines in music: without them, the words and notes flow all together. Punctuation assists in organizing the written word into discernable packages or units. Punctuation in poetry serves the same function as in prose: 1. to encapsulate thoughts and ideas; to aid in coherence and the presentation of meaning (i.e., to avoid confusion); and especially to signal when and where to breathe.
I thought that explained the importance of punctuation far better than what I could have done. I see a few commas and well-placed exclamation marks, but I’d like to see a little more. Here’s a small part from the poem, a simple re-edit with punctuation included.
See the very small, very subtle changes. When people read your poem out loud, it’s difficult to read without punctuation. They have no place to breathe! In the same vein as punctuation, you might want to think about whether you need the beginning of every line capitalized. Capitalization is surprisingly important in poetry, so try and use it only where it’s needed. Actually, you might just have the same problem as me: do you write in Microsoft Word? I know that it tries to make every new line begin with an uppercase letter, but don’t let the computer win!
Secondly, there are an awful lot of contractions in the poem, which I find jarring. So you have two choices here: write them out, or cut them out! Poetry is all about sending an intense message with only a handful of words. While you want to have some semblance of proper grammar, the rules are much more flexible. Look here, if you take out the contractions, does it really change your message?
All I did was take out the ‘it’s’, but the reader gets to the message that much faster.
Lastly, you should expand on your ideas! I know that sounds weird after I said to use as few words as possible, but the importance is that you use spectacular words in opposition to things like ‘it’, ‘and’, ‘a’. Those small words should only be used when necessary. Otherwise, feel free to explain some things in your poem a little more and utilize creative images, like Gahks said! The ‘All or Nothing’ idea is fantastic, so take the time to really get to know it.
Best of luck, I hope I helped a bit.
octo
Hi there! I saw your poem had no reviews, so I'll be the first to post one!
No one has a problem with venting your feelings out in poetry. In fact, many poets, myself included, believe deeply in the therapeutic benefits of poetry, or any form of creative writing. The problem comes when you let these feelings out for your audience to share. Because of the sheer personalness (if that is a word!) of your writing, readers tend to find it hard to access this type of poetry (it isn't really dramatic poetry, more what I would call lyric. For tips, check out "What is Dramatic Poetry?" It's a handy guide to everything you need to know.)
To make your audience feel what you are feeling, they need to have something to connect with. And this is where IMAGES come in. Instead of bland, wishy-washy phrases like:
"And I’m terrified because I have no control
I’m panicking and I want to take it back..."
We might put:
"And I'm locked in this cage, dead to the world,
Surrounded by frustration, black as night."
It's by no means brilliant ("dead to the world" is a horrible cliche), but it's something I threw out in the space of thirty seconds. Which of the two extracts is better? Of course, it's the second: it provides an image for the audience to connect with, something much more tangible than "I have no control."
Some tips for creating images:
1. Free-associate. When describing feelings, jot down anything that springs to mind when you mention that feeling.
2. Mix senses. This is known as 'synaesthesia.' It's a horrid word to pronounce, but it has some fantastic benefits for writers. All of us are capable of it. For instance, try and describe someone's voice in terms of food. One person's might be like sticky caramel, another's like crackling mints.
Already, we can begin to see the advantages of images. It defamiliarises what's being said, forcing the reader to try to think and interpret the idea. It makes the reading experience more active. Instead of lightly skimming over your writing, your readers will plunge right into it. And they'll feel all the better for doing so.
So, find some images, take out the blandness and I'm sure there'll be a great improvement!
Good luck, and I hope this has helped.
Gahks