Published September 21, 2011
the stick burns, ashes fall. i see your face in the smoke, touch it, but you disappear... and so i watch
the ashes accumulate, they are remainders of a burnt soul. how far does this smoke run? twisted, bent and manipulated by forces of this land. does it live to touch the heavens, or fade away at the gates?
...i wish i could take a float on that smoke, it might takt me to the silver lining. maybe it will thin out, and ill land on another.
but what then, when the stick is done?
will my wings have grown that i may soar to my destined palace? or will it be too soon, that gravity will force my ass into the ashes of my daisies. a cushioned fall it will be, atleast...because my comforts lie here, in this bed of fear, where i feed off of yesterdays failures,give life to another dream , cremate it, and watch as the waste floats away into the flock...
...the stench remains, haunting my dirty conscience...
...and all thats left for me to do is wonder..
"what if..."
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,427 Reviews
Lovely opening line. I didn't like 'touch it' though. You could say 'reach for it' or something because you don't actually touch it.
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Burnt soul? really? meh.
I like how you address the reader directly.
I hope you see what's wrong with this.
Now that is poetry. Well the first half of that.
I don't like where you leave this. It could be much stronger, I don't know much about the rules of poetry, but I would like to see this ending wide open. It kind of fizzles out towards the end and the structure doesn't lend itself to easy reading. Give it a couple more proofs and rework it and it will be great!
"what if..."[/quote]
First of all, I loved this!!
But I don't like how it looks... Maybe you should write like this:
The stick burns, ashes fall.
I see your face in the smoke, touch it, but you disappear...
And so I watch
The ashes accumulate, they are remainders of a burnt soul.
How far does this smoke run?
Twisted, bent and manipulated by forces of this land.
Does it live to touch the heavens, or fade away at the gates?
I wish I could take a float on that smoke,
It might takt (take) me to the silver lining.
Maybe it will thin out, and ill land on another.
But what then, when the stick is done?
Will my wings have grown that i may soar to my destined palace?
Or will it be too soon,
That gravity will force my ass into the ashes of my daisies.
A cushioned fall it will be, at least...
Because my comforts lie here, in this bed of fear,
Where i feed off of yesterdays failures,
Give life to another dream , cremate it,
And watch as the waste floats away into the flock...
The stench remains, haunting my dirty conscience...
And all thats left for me to do is wonder..
"What if..."
The imagery is really good, it flows nicely...
I think you did an amazing job here, to be honest. Just make sure you write "I" instead of "i" and you will be okay.
Congratulations for your work. Can't wait to read more from you.
Hey!
Apart from the grammar stuff I thought this was quite good! I really liked the idea and the first line was fantastic, really gripped me. I especially liked this line:
Really beautiful imagery going on there; I just loved that bit.
One of the only objections I had to this was your repeated use of "...."s. At times it was a good effect but I don't think it was necessary all of the time, like in
for example. I guess I wasn't such a big fan of using "..." to start a sentence or line. It breaks the flow a bit and doesn't really look too appealing when you read it.
Also
The use of the word "ass" just stuck out like a sore thumb for me. The rest of this poem is so poetic that using a kind of slang-term like that just didn't seem to fit. Perhaps you could just change it to "or will it be too soon, that gravity will force ME into the ashes."
So yeah, work a bit on your grammar and punctuation (badly needed in this piece) and this will be wonderful! Well done, hope that helped!
I like the feel of this story. It's about something as simple as incense, yet you give a deep meaning... super cool ^_^
There were a few grammatical errors, easily fixed. Trying using some capitalization, it will make it look cleaner. "that gravity will force my ass" <-- I thought this part sounded a little awkward with the sudden cuss word :/
"the stick burns, ashes fall. i see your face in the smoke, touch it, but you disappear... and so i watch" <-- I loved this first line, very beautiful
Well, overall I really liked it! Keep wrrrriting!
Oh Hey Booboo!
Boo here. Alright WELL. Thin is a bit of a problem to review here. You need to realize that puncuation is an extremely important part of english, writing, ect. So I will try to help out, but I hope you learn from this. Also here is a site for checking your spelling. http://www.spellchecker.net/spellcheck/
C - Means you need capsulation
Don't get me wrong I love your writing, but you need to work on grammar!
PM me or post on my wall If you have any questions!
-Boo