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12+ Violence

Vampire’s Bride - A BTS Fanfiction

by bodacious_baekon

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303 Reviews

Points: 20225
Reviews: 303

Thu Sep 05, 2019 6:11 am
fraey wrote a review...

Hi there! I wanted to give you a little advice on posting works on YWS much like Pan did below me. I would really recommend trying to review a few people's works here and get enough points to post more chapters of this story!

Past that, I read through the first chapter (as the prologue) so I can give you some feedback on this story, despite me not being a fan of BTS and not really knowing much about them. So, I guess take that with a grain of salt, but I do intend to help you in whichever way I can.

So, since this first portion appears to be held quite a few years in the past of the regular timeline in later chapters, as this appears to be set in the general twenty-first century, I presume? Which, this is one way to start a story, especially since fanfiction stories tend to be something akin to skipping time when one pleases, in getting to the good parts of scenes or characters as it's up to the writer themselves. That's fine, but it's sometimes not everyone's cup of tea.

This does, however, do a good job at establishing how different this world is, as there are apparently vampires or creatures or monsters of some kind, which alright, this is interesting. I do assume though that this is not a detail touched upon for a whole long while in this novel since the first tag here is romantic and not fantasy.

I am always a little sad when the first characters introduced in a story are killed off since I think the first chapter or prologue to stories should be significant, but maybe that holds a stronger message later.

That's all for now, but good luck with future writing!

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624 Reviews

Points: 48783
Reviews: 624

Wed Sep 04, 2019 10:19 am
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Panikos wrote a review...

Hi, bodacious_baekon! I thought I'd drop in with a review for you, but first, something to note:

It's never really a good idea to post such a huge piece of work on YWS, especially via a link. I suspect this is why the story has gone without reviews for so long, because nobody has the time to read sixteen chapters when they just want to write a quick review. It's also impossible to copy and paste from the text on Wattpad, which means that the reviewer can't quote and draw attention to certain sections without writing them out. Which is pretty time-consuming.

I would recommend that you break the story down and post it chapter by chapter. That will make it much more accessible and increase your likelihood of getting feedback. It takes more points to post shorter extracts of work, but that's kind of the point of YWS - in order to post our own work for critique, we need to offer feedback on other people's.

With this in mind, I'm only going to review the prologue of your story, just so you do get some feedback. I'm not much of a fanfiction fan and know nothing about BTS, so I'm just going to judge it as a complete outsider.

The first thing I've noticed is a minor nitpick. Your punctuation is off in your dialogue, as in here:

"I need to check on Areum." she said

You're almost right, but keep in mind that dialogue should never be closed with a full stop. It should be closed with a comma (or an exclamation mark or question mark, where appropriate), e.g.

"I need to check on Areum," she said.

You should only close dialogue with a full stop when there's no dialogue tag (e.g. 'she said', 'he said') afterwards. The rules can be a bit fiddly to remember, but it's an easy thing to fix.

"Who do you think I am?" he asked, his breath sending shivers down her neck. It was deep and sensual

Hang on a minute, didn't he just rip her stomach open? It definitely doesn't seem realistic to be thinking about how 'sensual' he is when she's probably dying where she stands - agonisingly, at that.

Okay, so I've finished reading the whole thing. It's definitely a dynamic start to the story, even if it's not the sort of story I usually go for. I like that you start with action, because it immediately grabs the reader's attention and raises a lot of questions in their mind. Who are they running from? Why? Your prose is fairly decent, too - there's some nice bits of description in there, particularly about the blossoming black blood and how it spreads like vines. Some of the description feels a little purple prose-ish, though. I also don't think it's always appropriate to the situation, as with when Jungkook's voice was described as 'sensual' even though the POV character at that point was bleeding out in agony. You need to think a little bit more about what your characters would really be noticing at any particular point. Somebody who's had their stomach ripped open isn't going to be able to focus on much other than the pain.

Speaking of POV characters, I think you head-hop a little too much in this prologue. You start from the husband's perspective, then you switch over to the wife's, then back again, then back again, before eventually moving to Jungkook's POV. It made it hard to follow what was happening at times. Swapping POV mid-scene can work, but it's quite a tricky thing to pull off, and I think this prologue would probably be most effective if it was solely from the wife's point of view. If it ended when she died, that would make for a really dramatic end.

It's a promising start, though. The story has potential, the prose and dialogue are decent, your grammar is mostly good, and the set-up is very exciting. I think that you should post the chapters on here individually if you want to get more feedback on it, though!

Keep writing! :D

A memorandum isn't written to inform the receiver, but to protect the writer.
— Dean Acheson