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Hey Lily,

Tanya here for a review!

Well, the four other reviewers mentioned quite good points so I won't delve into that. Much

What I wanted to mention is Show, don't tell. You're a reviewer, you know what this is. Use it. Lilla explains everything to us and that really irks me. You could show us scenes instead of her practicing her magic. Maybe have a chapter where she's 13 and practicing alone in the dark, scared but determined to not be stuck in the hell hole she calls home all her life. Have her practice, have the magic backfire. Have her concentrate on her anger to direct the magic.

But do NOT let her have everything. Young writers (including myself) have the tendancy to make everything easy for their characters, much like you did; have her disappear when she needed to.

If you must show her past life, give her a special relationship with Jackamal. Don't make him stoic; after all, he took her in. Maybe he sees her father in herself and he feels close to her.

But what you've done so far is throw plenty of people at us who had really not much depth to them. We don't know them, can't like them, much less love them if we don't know them. Get what I mean? You spent four different pov's on one very long chapter which means that we were thrown from one person to another. Not so bad, usually, but considering how you have them in 1st person point of view, we should know much more.

For example, when the King sends Myra to get the kids, he could spend the precious few minutes with his wife to say a private and moving goodbye. But you just skip that. Reread everything. Try to picture all the potential. I really think you should stick with one POV but if you must do it this way, elaborate. Give them one chapter each. Cut out the bad King's part, we'll find out later. Don't just skim, give the story and the characters depth.

All in all, it's a great beginning. The story is intriguing and it's obvious that you love your baby. We just need you to work on it a bit more so that we can love it as much.

When's the next chapter coming out? Soon? Pm me when it does?

Tanya

wow, talk about a late review!!! I had this done a while ago when you reviewed mine, but when i came back to thte page it said 'under construction' and i couldn't post it! Then I forgot all about it, and I found it again today. And anyways I really hope this helps!

My wife and I slowly make our way to the high table in the banquet hall. We are taking it easy, since my wife gave birth to our second child whom I am holding.

Once Lilla is seated, I take my seat too. The rest of the nobles file in. When they are all seated,

Suddenly, Lilla wakes up. Zobra and I turn to look at her, but she is only looking at our daughter. I hand her to Lilla. For a while, she rocks her, but a few minutes later she Lilla,

I have always been different then the rest of the people in my village. Everything that defines who and what I am has made me different, strange, foreign, an outsider. My behavior, my personality, even my physical appearance separates me from everyone else. My complexion is deathly pale, unlike all the tanned villagers who labor in the fields. Unlike your typical blond, red, black, or brown hair, my hair is a cross between blond and silver. And my eyes, they are a purplish-blue hue that no one has ever seen. Don’t even get me started on my facial features... they are elfish looking, you could even say similar to that of a fairy. Did I also mention my deadly secret? I can perform magic. Healing, summoning objects, manipulating the weather, and controlling the elements of earth, air, fire, and water. For years, I have practiced these skills at night, and even though I am good, I still have trouble controlling my powers. This makes me dangerous. Perhaps, this is why I was given up at birth.

All I know is that thirteen years ago, my parents left me on the doorstep of a very poor couple who had a daughter one year older than me. My foster father convinced his wife to take me in. This gave her the twisted idea of free labor. Ever since I was five, I have been serving her and her daughter. She says I owe her for the privilege of a home to live in. There is not a day that goes by that I am allowed to forget this. Even though she and her daughter have always pushed me around, my foster father has always been distant with me, neutral. Even knowing I was innocent, he never defended me for the times I was blamed for countless things.

"Can’t you make the fire warmer?" she complains.

Hey Lily! Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Minutes later I say,” Myra, go and find my children.” She nods, and disappears.

In he eyes shines a fiery pride as she gazes at the infant in her arms,

He approaches Lilla (name in honor of her mother) and kisses her on the forehead. He then throws his arms around me.

Unlike your typical blond, red, black, or brown hair, my hair is a cross between blond and silver. And my eyes, they are a purplish-blue hue that no one has ever seen. Don’t even get me started on my facial features... they are elfish looking, you could even say similar to that of a fairy. Did I also mention my deadly secret? I can perform magic. Healing, summoning objects, manipulating the weather, and controlling the elements of earth, air, fire, and water. For years, I have practiced these skills at night, and even though I am good, I still have trouble controlling my powers. This makes me dangerous. Perhaps, this is why I was given up at birth.

"Can’t you make the fire warmer?" she complains.

"Her skin is a sickly whie, her eyes are an eeire purple,and her hair is a srange shade of blonde and silver." Upon hearing this, the soldier's face becomes illuminated with interesting, giving his face an even more sinister appearance.

When I look down at my body, it is gone, or at least invisible,perfect timing, because the soldier bursts in followed by Jackamal.

The next thing I know, I am invisible, perfect timing, because the soldier bursts in followed by Jackamal.

“Thank you,” I whisper, “for every thing.”

Hello!

I got to the part where King Mika wakes up. I had to stop here because I noticed a bit of an issue:

Your work seems really thin. What I mean is, I don't feel any sort of connection to your characters, I don't have an idea what is going on, and I can't get immersed in the setting. Your banquet scene could be so much richer— describing the smells of the food, the king coddling his daughter and being worried for his wife, idle chatter, the reason the banquet is being held in the first place... a whole bunch of stuff. Take a look at this article on pacing, to see why putting in some of those details and slowing the plot of the story down can be useful.

Your sentence structure is very "listy". What I mean is, it reads like so: "He did this, while doing that. He said this, did this, felt this, this happened, he moved this way..." and it continues. This gets pretty boring to read, and it gets boring quickly. I'd suggest you notice how published stories are written, or even the work on YWS. This will help you get a feel for sentence structure.

Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Hai! I'm Twit, back from the dead to review your story. On a side note, could you make your chapters shorter? Only this took up, like, five pages of a Word document and took forever to go through.

King Jorell

“Ah, good, you’re finally here,” I say to my spy as he approaches the steps of my throne bows.

“Take this liquid and slip it into Queen Lilla and King Mika`s food You are now dismissed.”

King Mika

My wife and I slowly make our way to the high table in the banquet hall. We are taking it easy, since my wife gave birth to our second child whom I am holding. When we reach the high table, I shift my daughter to one arm, so I can help Lilla into her chair. Once Lilla is seated, I take my seat too. The rest of the nobles file in. When they are all seated, servants bring out the dishes and drinks followed by musicians and jugglers. The servants place the trays of food on the table, and fill the goblets with wine as musicians begin to play, and the jugglers perform. However, I raise a hand for silence; the music, laughter, and voices die down as the jugglers stop performing, and everyone looks at me, waiting for me to say something. I stand up to proclaim the news of our daughter’s birth. Proudly, I hold her up for all to see.

“Father, you summoned me. Myra says you and Mother were poisoned. But you and Mother are going to be okay, right?” His voice is deathly quiet, like that of a frightened child.

For a while, she rocks her, but a few minutes later she Lilla, “Mika, we need to talk.”

“Our daughter will never be safe here. Look at what happened to us.” She smiles ruefully.

I get up, belt my sword, and place a map and purse of coins in the pouch at my waist. After one last glance at Lilla, I turn my back to her, and exit the room. Zobra looks at me quizzically. I beckon him over.

“Father, what are you doing?”

“I’m taking your sister to a place where she can be safe.”

“Where are you taking her?”

“Remember you met Jackamal four years ago?” I say. Zobra nods. “Well, we’re good friends. I met him twenty years ago. His cousin is an Alvelvan and my most trusted adviser. He introduced me to Jackamal, and we became good friends.” My son nods again.

“I guess this is good-bye,” Zobra says.

He approaches Lilla (name in honor of her mother)...

“Just remember, son I’ve always been proud of you. Just make me one last promise, you’ll stay with your mother.”

“I’m so sorry,” he says. He takes another look at her, and comments, “She looks just like her mother.”

“If she never leaves the house, then no one can see her.”

I have always been different then the rest of the people in my village. Everything that defines who and what I am has made me different, strange, foreign, an outsider. My behavior, my personality, even my physical appearance separates me from everyone else. My complexion is deathly pale, unlike all the tanned villagers who labor in the fields. Unlike your typical blond, red, black, or brown hair, my hair is a cross between blond and silver. And my eyes, they are a purplish-blue hue that no one has ever seen. Don’t even get me started on my facial features... they are elfish looking, you could even say similar to that of a fairy. Did I also mention my deadly secret? I can perform magic. Healing, summoning objects, manipulating the weather, and controlling the elements of earth, air, fire, and water. For years, I have practiced these skills at night, and even though I am good, I still have trouble controlling my powers. This makes me dangerous. Perhaps, this is why I was given up at birth.

“She has skin that is practically white, her hair is an unnatural cross between blond and silver, and she has oddly colored eyes.”

“Let me go!” I hiss, kicking and clawing to no avail.

The next thing I know, I am invisible, the perfect timing, because the soldier bursts in followed by Jackamal.

However, if I do not release the energy, it will kill me.

Jackamal gives me the sword, and I unsheathe it. When I wield it, the balance is perfect; the sword feels like an extension of my arm.

Jackamal smiles sadly. “One the night your father brought you here, soldiers were after him, and though he held them off with magic, he was gravely wounded by a stab in the left shoulder. Though he was strong enough to bring you here, he passed away within minutes on my doorstep. He is buried right here.”

I recoil at all this information as hot, livid tears stream down my cheeks