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E - Everyone


by blueofthesea

Journeys breathe purpose into our fleeting and vulnerably mortal existences:
Odysseus returning from his voyage, David from his humble quest. The rest of us? We ponder the
Unknown, mapping the variables in this fragile thing called life (what makes us human?).
Raven, raven, epitome of madness, harbinger of death. Riots in our heads, ghosts at every turn;
No-one can escape your chants; you infest us (clusters of matter with minds) while we are
Eternally traversing the realms of the universe, searching for truth in chaos while quietly
Yearning for something beautiful, ephemeral. Something long gone.

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8 Reviews

Points: 82
Reviews: 8

Wed Jan 08, 2020 2:20 am
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BeeTeaDubs525 wrote a review...

!Wow! First, let me just say I love this. I enjoy the way you made the sentences flow. From O to U is where I really noticed. It works nicely. I love the references you used in O, as well.

As far as punctuation goes, I’m not too knowledgeable. However, I feel like a could read this the way you were trying to convey it.

Raven, Raven. Epitome of madness, harbinger of death. - My favorite line.

Using the term riots really makes me feel a sense of just rage and confusion. Really great descriptive choices!

One line I didn’t quite understand was (clusters of matter with minds) I don’t think I really get what that means, but I may just not be reading it right.

I love the pair up of Eternally and Traversing. It just sounds really lovely.. and endless.

One note, the final line ‘something long gone’ I feel like it issort Of lack luster. I personally feel like it is missing something. A poem this strong should have just as powerful a ending. Maybe something like ‘Something just out of our grasp’ or ‘Something beyond our mortal reach’ may tie it together with beginning. But Just a thought!

GREAT job!

blueofthesea says...

Thanks for the amazing review! I really appreciate your feedback, and I'll probably tweak it a bit. :)

("clusters of matter with minds" is referencing to the makeup of humans in general; we're all made up of matter, and we just happen to be breathing, living, thinking, etc. I'm not that great at explaining things. :P )

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100 Reviews

Points: 5531
Reviews: 100

Tue Dec 03, 2019 4:55 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...

Hey! This is a nice work, and so creative! Your concept and your choice of words are both captivating. It is evident that you put thought into what you wrote in order to get the first lines to start with the right letters.

I like how you've shown how utterly enthralled the narrator is with the concept he/she is unraveling. The wording is poetic and descriptive. I also like the way it is intelligent sounding and utilizes more than just basic vocabulary. Great job!

blueofthesea says...

Thank you! (It was actually written on a whim to try and get rid of my writer's block. :P )

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105 Reviews

Points: 2247
Reviews: 105

Sun Dec 01, 2019 11:32 pm
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LZPianoGirl wrote a review...

This was one of the best poems I have ever read. Well, I guess it's not a poem. Maybe it is, I don't know, I'll just call it a short. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, all the way from journeys to gone. The way you wrote this is great, you could of just wrote a paragraph but you made the short so much better by using JOURNEY. I think you are extremely good at this and you should keep writing shorts like this. Keep writing and Merry (early) Christmas!

blueofthesea says...

Aw, thanks! An early Merry Christmas to you, too!

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1394 Reviews

Points: 76307
Reviews: 1394

Sat Nov 30, 2019 3:59 pm
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JabberHut wrote a review...

Good morning!

So I have very little constructive anything to say because I really just enjoyed reading this a lot. It's so descriptive, thought-provoking, and incredibly relatable in so many ways. I really just enjoyed it immensely.

Just the first line felt so incredibly descriptive and straightforward, immediately taking us into this idea of a journey and what it means to us. In fact, this idea of a journey giving us purpose is such a fun one to use, and you clearly dive into that here and have some fun with it.

I love the Odysseus comparison, even coupled with the David line. I imagine the David comparison is in reference to his becoming king, though I'm not entirely sure. Either way, I know both these men have been on journeys that defined their very lives. You probably could get away with deleting the second "from" on that line, but it's also not glaring either. I just noticed the repetition of "from" on the third read-through.

And then the rest of the poem just carries us the rest of the way through the piece, really making us think about this theme and dwelling on these images you provide. This idea of being cursed with the inevitable future of death is such a beautiful contrast to the journey we make for ourselves.

It's also such a chilling way to end the piece with its own stand-alone idea that, after all these journeys we take, the thing we are looking for is long gone. Despite our hunt for the truth, we seek something even better that simply doesn't exist anymore. It's thought-provoking as I wonder if anyone has seen it before then, when it disappeared, etc.

This was really good! Well done. I can only imagine what poem you did choose to enter. :D

Jabber, the One and Only!

blueofthesea says...

Thank you so, so much!

Every empire tells itself and the world that it is unlike all other empires.
— Edward Said