Stunning Eyes

Hello! Great job! The words were really beautiful and the idea was strong. Nice one. Keep it up!

Hi BlueSKIES3!

Well first of all, I really liked your poem, I know it is hard to submit when you have just joined and I thought you did an excellent job.

Welcome to YWS!

Anyway, your poem was creative and smart and probably a lot better then half of the poems I could write! I think each line flowed perfectly into each other, with a really good rythm.

But some parts of the poem I agreed with futurepoetofamerica on, such as the need to shorten and entice it partially. I know it's very good, but I have a feelin that most people really wouldn't stick up for the entire poem.

One of the major things I would like to point out with this is that, seeing as it is in just one block of text, I couldn't really tell if it was a poem or just a pattern of speech. I think that you should definitely break it up into stanzas With their own lines, as it would be much more interesting and easier to read.

There are not many grammar mistakes, but one or two you should touch up on, such as when you used a comma you seemed to have put a capital letter that you have put throughout the poem, which you NEED to fix.

On a positive note here are a couple of lines that I thought where really good;

Your wit and and depth were always surprising, You kept them under lock and key.

You and I knew everything about each other, I really can't lie, You where the only one on my mind.

How our souls had a connection, A bridge that ignored the storming seas, all around or a valley that branched into different lands

Thanks for posting!

CM

Ok, first I must ask you this: why is this in paragraph form? If you say it's a poem, it should have stanzas and line breaks to look like one, even if it's not a very good poem. If you need help with that, I'd ask another fellow poet on this site (preferably not me, as I'm not an expert). They're always happy to help!

Alright, now that's addressed, I can get to the reviewing! Wait, I need to put this in poem form first. It makes it easier for me to read.

Stunning eyes and hidden laughter
Your secrets were divine
Your thoughts a mysterious treasure
that I wished to find

I was of the fortunate few who really knew you.

The distance between us
gave me pain
I cannot ever attempt to explain

But it doesn't matter how it is now
you will always remain
a part of the love
that reins my happiness majestically

Your wit and depth
were always surprising
You kept them
under lock and key

Your heart was always never revealed
but that was okay
I know you loved me

I will always cry
when I think
of how it used to be

How our souls
had a connection
a bridge
that ignored the stormy sea all around.
a valley
that gave branch to different lands

You and I
knew everything about each other
I really can't lie
You were the only one
on my mind

I was sorry to see you go
but
we needed to grow
into what we were meant to be

and the insensity
of our dependence
just couldn't last

I'm happy how it turned out
I needed the space and time
but
I just want you to know,
my darling,

that you never left
my mind.


So, now that I've re-read it, I can give you a proper review. On a positive note, I could definently tell you love this person, but you know it's time to move on. So, you captured the feeling, which is good, but you also need to capture interest. Now that I see this in poem form, it's kind of long. Most readers would probably be bored. A few might stick it out to read it all, but you want your poem to be enticing and exciting. So, although I liked this, you probably need to shorten it up a bit.

Hope you have a wonderful day!

~~Heidi~~