An open carriage bound through the night,
passing a village where
even the servants slept soundly.
Stardust fell among the homes.
A ray of sunshine reflected off the glass
onto the travelers heads; covered
by bonnets and top hats
The night grew nearer...
darker.
Soon their eyes
unable to see the features of one another,
blinded by the velvet sky order
stop!
The movement ceased and
the baby began to cry
wail.
Thunder rang throughout the
silent city,
waking the citizens to ask,
'Take the other path! Your faces
are not familiar to us!'
The travelers grabbed the hoarse's reins
bounding off
leaving behind signs
They had inhabited this city for
just a night
The shutters closed
Slaves, servants, bakers
tailors, bankers
All of which took up the city
closed their eyes
Up until
The other set of travelers
came along
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,753 Reviews
This was pretty good. I liked the descriptions and the idea and whatnot. You forgot about a few important structural things though.
First off, punctuation. You need more of it. Where ever there's a pause, add a comma. Where ever one thought ends, add a period. Just simple little things like that. It'll make the poem flow much smoother.
That's another thing, the flow. Because of the lack of punctuation and structure, your poem was very choppy and I couldn't get a feel of a beat in my head. Two things you might want to do are try to keep the lines even or have them follow some sort of pattern, and arrange your lines into stanzas. Each stanza should be the same length, and have a sort of main idea.
Like I said before, this was good. It just needs a little fine tuning to make it even better.