Unexpected Happenings

I agree with a lot of what LadyKixRox said. I think this story could be good, but it needs some polishing. A little proofreading, a little clarification in some places, a few things were kind of confusing, etc.

Also, 'unexpected, undesired death.' Well, most people don't desire death, do they? It kind of goes without saying...

'The water began to rush, throwing us further, faster upstream.' Um, don't rivers generally move downstream? So, if it's moving faster, it would be carrying them downstream, not upstream. XD

I also thought it was kind of weird the way they talked about Adaline's death. It was an accident, it could have happened to anyone, Jenna didn't really kill her on purpose, and yet they're talking as if Jenna is some kind of cruel murderer. 'You killed me with your own hands...' That might not even be so weird if it weren't for the rest of their behavior. If Adaline were really mad at her, then it might make more sense, but earlier it seemed like she didn't really blame Jenna, and didn't mind dying. It just strikes me as kind of odd...

How is Jenna doing this sleepy-see-you thing, anyway? How does she know how Adaline can take her body during the daytime?

And, Jenna's claim is that she won't be dead because she can take her body back when she goes to sleep! Except... She'd be asleep. So... Not much you can do while sleeping... It's like, she's going to be as good as dead anyway, just a really well-rested death. Make sense? It just seems a little... Weird. :\

Like I said, I think this could be a good story, it just needs some polishing.
Keep working at it! ^^

Hey Bloom! May i call you that!

The First thing i noticed was the structure,The Story wasn't formed right,and also your transitioning and your explaining of Adaline's surroundings is quite confusing. I didn't notice that Jenna had went back for the paddle until she Adaline mentioned it. The only part that i was able to read with out confusion was the end, but i have made some correction to your story below.

bloomc wrote:Chapter 1: Unexpected Happenings

There are three things in the world that I love. Hot, humid weather, clear dark nights, and bodies of water. The three things that brought me to my unexpected, undesired death. It seemed like yesterday that I was running along the coastline of Terra River, calling to Jenna to pull in the canoe. Our toes were deep in the sand,feeling the wetness of it seep in between our toes. I was so alive then, able to sense the beauty of the earth around me, smell the scent of lake water, feel my shirt begin to moisten with sweat. My body was able to hug itself within the air, this body I felt belonged to me and only me. Jenna was so happy, and I could see her outline shifting all the weight she held to pull in this small boat.

"That's enough!" I heard myself calling. My voice floated in the distance, and Jenna stopped, falling to her knees.

"Get up!" I again heard myself saying.

"We're going for a ride!"

bloomc wrote:The canoe was quite a distance away from where I saw myself standing, same with Jenna, but either way she heard my voice calling into her ears. Getting to her feet, Jenna brushed the sand off of her knees and climbed into the canoe seconds before I. It was then I could feel the wind against my face, my legs pumping, lungs heaving to get to the boat in time.

"Well what are you waiting for?" I panted.

"Get this old piece of junk on its way." Jenna lifted the paddle as I made my way into the front, pushing us off of into the direction of my version of the unknown.

At first I felt a sigh of relief wafting over me,but within seconds I could sense a breeze coming from somewhere, relaxing, yet pumping with exhilaration.

"Do you feel that?" I whispered.

I couldn't see Jenna, for my eyes were shut, my back towards her wanting to feel the sweet sensation of the earth blowing against my face.
"Yeah." Jenna's voice too, was soft, baby's breath being released into the night air. I could see her paddling, but losing concentration with direction, the music of the wind stealing her attention. Her hair floated in the night breeze, reminding me of long thin strands of chocolate. I wanted nothing more than to nuzzle my head into her hair as I looked at her be so much like herself. I could smell her scent of fruit, her hair of shampoo and cleanliness. Jenna continued to paddle, although she had been completely caught up within this trance, we still continued upstream.

bloomc wrote:
"Look! A turtle!" A turtle, no bigger than my palm climbed along the edge of the riverbed, but this time Jenna didn't answer.

Still, she continued to paddle, faster and faster, the wind carrying us into places even fuller with life. This time, more than a turtle was awoken in front of our eyes. Buds bloomed from the grass, snakes slithered beneath the surfaces of rocks, beavers ran to inhabit their dams nearby. I felt like dancing, jumping, rolling and laughing until my stomach hurt. I could smell more than lake water, earth, animals... the scent of rain. A droplet landed into the water, rippling until it flattened with no stain. I saw another not far away, another, until so many ripples covered the water it seemed scarred for life. The water began to rush, throwing us further, faster upstream.

"Adaline!" Jenna's scream awoke me from my gaze.

As I turned, I could make out the paddle far behind us, alone in the water. But as I got soaked from rainfall, as Jenna panicked, I couldn't help but let out a full, hearty laugh. Thunder clapped in the distance, lightening flashed throughout the once blackened sky, but I laughed, I chose to live while I could.

"Adaline!" Jenna's voice moved closer to me, more muffled this time, for I could see her floating on the surface of the water.

I reached out my hand which she used to pull in her entire body weight upwards. Sooner than I could blink my eyes I could feel myself being forced underneath of the water, as Jenna used me as her raft to keep ashore. Moments later, I could see her on the coastline, the world went black as I floated with the canoe, and I could see myself waving goodbye.

bloomc wrote:The moment I had opened my eyes to the blackness I didn't know what to think. I first wondered where Jenna had gone, how I had ended up here, why I was here. But it was soon enough I remembered. I didn't mind the fact that the water killed me, that I died keeping someone else alive, helping them to be saved, for I knew that death was peaceful. What remained was the question of what I would do here. In the books I had read girls found themselves friends in the afterlife, but so far, I couldn't even make out my own body. Nothing but blackness surrounded me. It was creepy how quiet it was. I wondered whether I was in heaven or hell, but soon enough I realized neither were existent, it was simply death. I wondered what time it was, where Jenna had gone after she realized she had been the one to kill me, if she realized that. I wondered why Jenna had ever thought to jump out of the canoe to get the paddle, when she realized there was no hope receiving it and needed my help to get her back into the boat. I wondered why she pulled on my hand so hard she pulled me into the water with her and drowned me to keep her ashore. I felt myself crying except I could not feel the tears, there was no lump in my throat to add to this sadness, for I had no body. When I was alive I would imagine the afterlife as this place where everything was as you wanted it, no matter what kind of person you truly were. My afterlife was a white sand beach at night, with romance and every moment was carefree. Here, I realized the afterlife was quiet and peaceful, yet torturous at the same time. I felt like screaming, but the more I tried the less and less I heard myself.

It felt like weeks I had spent in this place, but truly I could not keep track of time, my mind was going wild.

"Adaline." I heard it from somewhere, for it felt like it was coming from all directions. I could not recognize the voice, but the tone I did, only it was quieter this time.

"J-Jenna?" This time I was able to hear myself.

"Adaline we need to talk as fast as possible, because I can only communicate in my sleep, you understand?"

"Yes-yes."

"Good, listen, I can't let go of what I did to you. I've been so depressed I haven't attended school for months-" Months? Had that much time passed?

"Adaline, I'm greedy, I'm stupid. I took your life away without even realizing it, only to save my own, and I need to do something otherwise I will end up killing myself."

"No offense or anything Jenna but I'm dead. There's nothing you can do, I'm just... gone."

"Yes but I've thought of something, something brilliant."

"I'm listening."

"We can never actually see each other again, I get that, but you don't have to be dead forever." As puzzled as I was I kept listening.

"Huh?", no "That's impossible, I'm here, I'm dead. You killed me with your own hands."

"While I'm awake..." Jenna's voice softened, I could tell she was starting to wake.

"You can enter my body and I will take your place in the blackness."

"But you will be dead then Jenna-"

"No, just listen okay? I got this! When you fall asleep I can re-enter my body, but once dawn comes it is yours again." It sounded amazing, wonderful. I was willing to do anything to be back on earth.

"So...Adaline, what do you say?" I was appalled, amazed at the conversation we had managed to have in less than thirty seconds, no words allowed to exit my soul.

"Yes."

The next thing I knew I was awoken in Jenna's bed.