She lies in her room
Quiet and broken
Drowning in unshed tears
Deafened by silent screams
Haunted by words never said
And chances never taken
Tired, hurt, lonely, scared
Lost in the present
With an unspeakable past
Certainties revealed as no more than dreams
Ignorant of life lessons
That she’d thought she’d learned
Living only in word
In deed, in passion, in feeling, dead
Innocence lost, hope stolen
She breathe, she eats, but she does not live
Holed up in the prison of her room
Her youth, her beauty, her wit, her charms
Fade to nothing as does her life
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
thanx 4 the advice!
Hello!
Chandni has a point about "simple", but there were definitely parts that work well:
I do think that it could use a great deal of improvement, though. But, that's why we're here, isn't it?
There were some stanzas (?) that had quite a bit more syllables than the rest:
Poems seem to flow better when each line is similar in syllable count. Since most of yours contained five or six syllables, you could have broken it down to:
Certainties revealed,
as no more than dreams
It's a great start, though, and I think you certainly can turn it into a stunning piece! I'd be interested in reading it, once the editing process is over!
Good luck!
MCMourning
Hmph, nothing we haven't seen before same old same old. The topic to start with speaks for itself-simple. Take a good look around the forums, and try experimenting and bringing your feelings forward in a way that it would actually make the reader care just a slight bit
There's something called "capitalization" which isn't supposed to be used at the beginning of every line.Your whole poem seems to be one huge sentence, sort out your sentences troughout the poem. Another thing you seem to have failed in, is your punctuation. Here's a nice article which can help you with that
viewtopic.php?t=12474
And last but not least, the rythem is very off, the way some of your lines are shorter then others. This causes a lack of "flow"
Overall a short guide to Poetry can be found here
viewtopic.php?t=12058
Goodluck with your further writing
Cheerios, Chandni