Okay, this is my very first post on this site, so please be nice. its basically about some graffiti i saw in my cloakroom at school and it freaked me out a bit so i wrote this. any hints, tips, criticisms, words of any kind would be much appreciated
Cloakroom Graffiti
Here is the very expression of our pain,
Of all our stress and all our feelings.
A pure telling of all that is going on inside
And yet they dare to call it graffiti,
They dare to scrub it from their walls.
But even though the writings may soon be lost,
The feelings behind them will always remain.
The darkened room looks empty,
As you hesitantly walk through it.
It sounds quiet – it isn’t.
Its walls are stained with hundreds of silent screams
And dozens of fallen tears,
Left as a lingering memory,
An imprint their owners have left behind.
‘I hate myself’
The dark writing covers the dry surfaces.
All that confusion and angst,
Summed up in a few scratchings driven into the walls.
'I love him, I hate him, I want him’.
Wanting everything, getting nothing.
The pain in these writings hits you like a knife.
You can almost hear their silent, deadly screams
As we march to the beat of life.
‘I hate him, life sucks, I hate you’.
Then finally you reach a clean wall,
Devoid of writing,
A fresh canvas for your stories.
Then I pick up a pen
And start to write…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
o rite, thanx for clearing that up 4 me.
and i do sort of agree with what you were ssaying about teenage angst being a bit rubbish. i certainly don't think it's a big enough deal to excuse the way some teenagers act. but i do alkso think that during that time and quite a few years after, you go through more changes than you do at any other time in your life. i mean you suddenly have to ddeal with hormones, and exams and getting jobs and choosing colleges etc. thats a lot of pressure and i can understand why it gets to some people
It should not have an apostrophe:
"an imprint their owner’s have left behind." - "have" implies plural, so "owner's" would be "owners'". However, you only mean one "owner". Your phrase means "an imprint which the owner left behind" so their is no posessive indication required.
yeah i agree that its repetitive, so il work on that.
r u sure about the apostrophe in owner's being wrong, because it is actually the owner's words (i.e. possesion) and that means ti shuld have an apostrophe, doesn't it?
il also go and change the letter at the beginning of the words to a capital.
thanks for the comments
A poem that puts graffitti into the best light. Well thats new (for me any way!!)
I liked it. It was a bit repetitve and slow to get into. But once I got into it and understood the meaning I really enjoyed it.
"It sounds quiet – it isn’t" - full stop after "isn't".
"It’s walls are stained with hundreds of silent screams" - no apostrophe in "it's".
"an imprint their owner’s have left behind." - no aposrophe in "owner's".
"The dark writing covers the wall.
All that confusion and angst,
Summed up in a few scratchings driven into the walls." - repeating "wall" sounds odd.
"I love him, I hate him, I want him’." - quotation mark missed out.
Use a capital letter at the beginning of each line always or not at all. I liked this, its message was simple and powerful but it was quite repetitive. Also i believe teenage angst is a lot of rubbish but that's just me.