I've basically, shortened it to make it less repetitive. tell me whether you think it's better like this or not
I'm trying not to cry,
but tears are already in my eyes.
I'm trying not to fall,
trying to stay whole,
but I've already fallen.
I'm already broken.
Cause nothing I do changes anything,
nothing I try matters,
Cause I'm already crying.
I'm already broken.
I've already fallen.
I'm already crying in the rain.
I'm trying hard to swim,
but I've already drowned.
I'm trying to keep you close,
but you're already gone.
I've already lost the fight.
I'm already done for.
Cause nothing works, I'm all alone,
I've already failed, already fallen,
already lost, already broken into bits.
I'm already crying, I'm already dying.
I've already died.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Yeah, it sounds more consistent now without the rhyme.
I like it
Keep writing...yay
Wild
I just read your first draft and I have to agree with Shasta, removing the rhyming made the poem should a lot smoother while I read through it. Also you have very good descriptions in this. I really like the ending!
It works better than your first draft. I like the rhythm you've got here and your concept is also interesting. Maybe you could try condensing it a bit further; you seem to jump from state to state. Also, try to take out some of the cliches you've got in here - especially in the 3rd and 4th stanzas.
I think removing the rhyming made the poem sound more consistent and together. You could have left it and really altered a few lines, but I wasn't sure you would want to do that because I liked most of the descriptions, concepts, etc. and it might have been hard to leave them in while creating a more patterned rhyme.