When I cleaned the street on my knees, you kept away.
When their spit rinsed my hair, you looked the other way.
When they pinched my body, when my soul bled tears,
Where were you? Were you still blinded by your fears?
Don't stare at me, I’m not to blame.
Don't look to me, I didn't play their sick game.
When they pulled my hair, when they kicked me down the stairs,
When they laughed at my begging, when they scorned my prayers,
Did you think it was a game? Could you still not see?
Did you think it would change? Did you lift a finger for me?
Don't stare at me, I’m not to blame.
Don't look to me, I didn't play their sick game.
When last night you heard my scream,
Did you think it might be a dream?
When you saw me dragged away in the night,
Did you wonder if I’d be all right?
When I fell to the floor, when I breathed in gas,
Did you still think that the buck might pass?
Don't stare at me, I’m not to blame.
Don't look to me, I didn't play their sick game.
Did you have no sense to look? Did you have no eyes to see?
Could you not smell it in the air? The dust that once was me?
Did you have no tongue to speak? Were you so afraid?
When you lay in bed, did you not think I also might be afraid?
Don’t stare at our graves, corpses cannot lay blame.
Don’t look to us, we lost their sick game.
By the way, didn't put any description on this because I wanted to see if my meaning and the plot was clear. Was it? As always, any feedback is greatly appreciated.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I strongly disagree with the above critic because I believe the constant repetition is meant to strongly convey one point and I think it does so very effectively. work on your imagery a little and this could be a stellar poem
The theme of this poem comes out and slams us in the face on the fourth line, something I highly do not recommend when writing about any topic. If you tell us exactly what the answer to your poetic question is, why do you expect us to read the whole piece? If we already know that fear had a major part of this person's indecision, then it feels as if the reader has been cheated out of some uncovered knowledge.
Sounds like something said by a teenage cheerleader snapping her fingers in front of her opponent really cattily. Is this really the picture you want the reader to imagine?
I'm going to stop here and point out some general aspects that you sorely lack in this poem. First, the entire poem is one repetition of the same idea washed through a cycle without even anything to persuade the reader to see that every line is a new idea. It's literally the exact same thing over and over again. While I'm saying that, I might as well point out that your idea is very shallow and this poem is basically a long rant that has no substance to it besides "I hate you! You're evil!". That's not nearly enough of a theme to give fuel to a poem of this size.
The second thing I've had to say is something you apparently know already. If you are planning to put in some description and some imagery eventually, then please do so with all haste because this poem is very dry and vague. Who are you talking to? Who bullied you? What happened? Who are you? When did it happen? These all needed to give some muscle to this skeleton of a poem at this point.