Published December 13, 2006
My fingers are on the trigger. The gun is pointed at your heart. My heart is already broken. Broken so much there's nothing left. You've done it for the last time. So now it's my turn. My turn to make you feel what I have felt the past 9 months. This is for me.
This is for all the tears.
This is for all the pain.
This is for all the lies.
All the broken pieces of my heart what's left.
This isn't for you!
This is for me! So you can feel all the pain and suffering you put upon me.
I go to pull the trigger. Damn it! The safety's on. You let out a sigh. But don't worry, your heart is still going to break. I'm going to break it into a million pieces just like you did to me. I'm going to crush your spirit and play with your emotion.
Now, how does it feel to be the object of the game? Instead of the player.
My finger rises to the trigger again. Are you ready? Any final words?No? OK.
But before I do this, i have some words for you.
"You'll never know the pain you caused."
BANG!! The room is quiet. No more of your whining. I watch you slowly fall to the floor. I move back. My eyes widen as your blood surrounds me. I laugh. Now, you know the pain you caused me. Now I don't have to put up with all the bullshit anymore.
~Goodbye Forever~
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,539 Reviews
well its a good peice of writing but if you want it to be a poem you have to organize it like a poem. eg
"My fingers are on the trigger. The gun is pointed at your heart. My heart is already broken. Broken so much there's nothing left."
this would look and sound beter if you did it like this.
"my finger is on the trigger
and the gun points at your heart
my heart is already broken,
you've gone and there is nothing left."
once you structure your poem like that you will be able to see where it does not flo so smothly and fix it.
also i aint a grama wiz and you should not be put down if you speled some thing wronge it hapans to a lot of us
siphiwe
I don't much care what anyone says about it, bad grammar faulty writing...
This is a good poem...
Congradulations
its an awe-inspiring literal piece of work
keep writing =) happy reading (=
Good bit of writing
BUT not really a poem
I'd put it into the story or prose bit
whatever they call it
good idea though
I like anything creepy and morbid
muaahahahahahaha!
Charlotte
The Queen of all craziness
You need to break u[ your lines, they're to long. A new line should start at the end of every period. Also at most commas. Put them where you would take a breath. Also, how did they hurt you, you never said why. Tell the reader and then they might be able to relate to you or relize they aren't alone. Give us something to cling to, to relate to.
Jearjioe
bleedingheart4u_2008,
Please tell me you aren't serious about this.
If you are, I think you've come to the wrong place with it. It's a collection of rambling generalities and prosey navel-gazing nonsense, and it has virtually nothing to offer the sentient reader.
It cannot be improved by any editing process that doesn't begin with discarding it entirely. While you might wish to get detailed critique on improving this, or hear at least some word of support, I can't honestly do either. I was almost surprised "shards" wasn't in this somewhere.
You may find this hard to believe, but nobody cares about you or your plight against the world and other persons. If you choose to shoot them up, good for you. But until the time when you can (figuratively) force the gun down our throat and make us understand, try writing about something you actually have experience with.
Sorry, your angst just isn't that interesting to anybody but you.
Best of luck,
Brad