Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
She slowly moved out of bed,uncovering her naked body from the sheets and reaching out to the other end of the bed to wear his pretty much rumpled shirt. A tiny creak was made as her feet touched the wooden floor of her one room shack so she tried to put less pressure as she moved across the bed to the chair in other not to disturb the male being from his sleep, her eyes moving swiftly round the room, looking for even the tiniest leftover cigar to smoke.
She couldn't resist the sex tho, it was epic and even her mind was drawn to the allure of the temptation. But the debacle pressed her down because she knew she only had him as much as he wanted her to and there would always be someone else. She held a glass of scotch in her hand, tapping it with her extra long fake nails and reminiscing on the previous nights' dinner they both shared. She had spent the entire afternoon preparing his favourite main course and desert and kept his best brand of scotch to cool in the fridge. The meal had been perfect, I mean how could it not have been after her long hours in the kitchen, he had even asked for more and still finished it up and they had both enjoyed a blunt with the scotch.
Ahhh yes..The sex..In an instant he had grabbed her hand,spun her around and pinned her to the wall with his hand while the other raced through her back,unzipping the skin tight gown she wore and next her bra, and then kissed her neck. The room suddenly felt hot and sweat beads glistened on her almost broad forehead as he raised her gown up and dragged her pants down, she unzipped his trousers and let it drop still trying to fight her way to see his face but he just wudnt let her.. He wanted total control and she gave it to him with much ease,allowing him explore every part of her body and he continued till she had to beg him to claim her. The perfect blend of fine wine and spice they both were but only behind closed doors because she knew as soon as he got up, he would get dressed and head out for the crowd.. Fine sex Fine wine she thought still as she stared lustily at his bare body
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey there blaqkouture and welcome to YWS! It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
*Note started this awhile ago and forgot to submit. I'm going to stop the review where it is at the bottom but I still felt like submitting, just don't want to step on too many toes*
First Thoughts
1. Typically I don't review romance because I generally tried to avoid it. But I was drawn to your piece while sifting through the green room and certain elements made me stick around. I'm not put off by the core of the story, which is actually quite interesting for in reality being sort of plain, but more annoyed by the wording and run-on sentences. There are quite a few and it makes the story drag here and there. The wording is also a bit off in some places. Take the example in the quote below from your description.
- Side chick? Really? How often have you really heard that terminology used because I'm pretty sure mistress is still the most popular term for one party in adultery. I don't know why but this just gave me a bad taste in my mouth towards your work. Well this and the typo in the next time. One thing you have to be really careful about in writing is presentation because these are my first thoughts, just from glancing over the piece. And most people glance over a piece and read the description before reading, making these parts the most important to look pretty.
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2. Typos are also currently plaguing you so I would recommend checking it more thoroughly next time. I try to give a good deal of leniency when it comes to typos, considering they are the death of the writers of this world, but the density of them annoys me as a reader. It really doesn't require much more checking so just take that into mind for next time.
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3. Partial ellipsis. Why? I don't really get the under doing/over doing ellipsis thing because to me three dots is standard. Is there a rule somewhere about the amount of dots? And also considering the length of your work, I think you're using them a bit too often. Three times in two sentences looks a bit excessive to me.
First Paragraph
1. So your story is a bit short and I'll try to keep my review down by just giving a couple of comments on each bit. To start with, the first run-on sentence I detected, which is the bulk of the first paragraph.
- Now this is a sentence that can be easily split up, reordered and just generally moved around without changing your word choice too much. And there's a couple of places where it doesn't make much sense so I'll try to use them as best as possible. I think the first split should look something like this:
-So that's my rewrite of the first part and I'm not sure where you'd like to split it next. I have a couple of possible suggestions there so just PM me if you want some further help.
Good-Bye
As I started to say above, I'm going to drop this here since I'm a bit late posting my review. Most of the other points I wanted to cover have been covered so good day and good luck to you.
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs
Hello.
So I think this is meant to be a brief glimpse into a life, and you've got a lot here you can work with.
I'll just get the technical critiques over and done with before I get into the good stuff.
There's some unnecessary fluff in some sentences that kind of clogs up what we're reading.
For instance, 'She slowly moved out of bed, uncovering her naked body from the sheets and reaching out to the other end of the bed to wear his pretty much rumpled shirt.'
would read better as 'She slowly moved out of bed, uncovering her naked body from the sheets as she reached out to the other end of the bed for his rumpled shirt.'
The 'pretty much' adds nothing to the description of the rumpled shirt, and just slows the sentence down.
I have several things to say about the next part.
'A tiny creak was made as her feet touched the wooden floor of her one room shack so she tried to put less pressure as she moved across the bed to the chair in other not to disturb the male being from his sleep, her eyes moving swiftly round the room, looking for even the tiniest leftover cigar to smoke.'
'A tiny creak was made as her feet touched the wooden floor...' notice how things are happening in the wrong order? it should tell us about the thing that made the sound (her feet touching the floor) before the sound it made (a creak) otherwise we get confused.
Try 'Her feet touched the creaky wooden floor' or 'Her feet touched the wooden floor of the shack, which made a tiny creak...'
Now for the rest of that sentence. It is really long, and could use some commas. In fact, you might be better off separating it into more sentences. See what this kind of change can look like.
'Her feet touched the wooden floor of the shack, which made a tiny creak. She tried to put less pressure on it as she moved across the bed to the chair, to avoid disturbing the male being from his sleep. Her eyes were moving swiftly round the room, looking for even the tiniest leftover cigar to smoke.'
Did you describe him as 'male being' to indicate that he isn't a human? if so, what is he?
If he is just a man, you would be better off saying 'man.'
There are plenty of long sentences that could benefit from some commas, or being split into different sentences. It would be good for you to get into the habit of reading what you write out loud. If you have to stop during a sentence, then usually that sentence needs more commas, or it needs to be shorter.
I'm not following the scene transition. First she's looking for leftover cigars the morning after, then she's suddenly holding a glass of scotch (where did it come from? is she still in the same room?) and then she's having flashbacks about the night before, and then it just ends there with no real conclusion.
When it comes to scene transitions, you need to explain how they lead from point A to point B, and when it comes to flashbacks you need to make it specially clear where they begin and end. And regarding the end, it's choppy and confusing. But I'll talk about the intimate part before I get into the specifics of the ending.
'Ahhh yes..The sex..In an instant he had grabbed her hand,spun her around and pinned her to the wall with his hand while the other raced through her back,unzipping the skin tight gown she wore and next her bra, and then kissed her neck. '
The ellipses at the beginning should have three periods, not two.
You need a space before and after every comma. There should be another comma after 'spun her around.' It says 'pinned her to the wall' without telling us what part of her body he was holding, so we don't know what her position against the wall looks like.
'raced through her back' should be 'raced down her back', because 'through' implies that he literally put his hand through her body like she's made out of playdough or has a hole in her torso.
'unzipping the skintight gown she wore and next her bra, and then kissed her neck' makes for a very clunky sentence. The 'she wore' is unnecessary, we know she has to be wearing it for him to take it off of her.
'unzipping her skintight gown she wore and next her bra' implies that the bra is also undone by a zip. Bras normally don't have zips.
(And she may not even need to wear a bra, as many skintight gowns have bra cups built into them.) All that followed by 'and then kissed her neck' feels rushed.
Let's see what can be done with that sentence.
Seeing as I think you're trying to write in past tense, let's turn 'Unzipping' into 'Unzipped.'
'He unzipped her skintight gown, and then took off her bra. He kissed her neck.'
The next sentence still needs more commas. All the sentences in the last paragragh need more commas. Also 'wudnt' should be 'wouldn't.'
Now for the ending.
'The perfect blend of fine wine and spice they both were but only behind closed doors because she knew as soon as he got up, he would get dressed and head out for the crowd..'
Firstly, this 'fine wine and spice' analogy kind of comes out of nowhere.
She was drinking scotch before, she was never associated with wine. And he was never associated with spice. Also, what makes them such a good couple?
We know nothing about them except that he's dominant and she's submissive, and they both like luxury. That tells us they make a good match for sexual encounters, but we don't know enough to conclude that they are a good match outside of sexual contexts.
Also, what crowd is he heading out for? Where ARE they?
And yes, the ending cuts off at a weird place out of nowhere, like you just stopped writing and hit 'submit' by accident before you were done.
And the second last sentence ends with a second period where there should be one.
Now that's the technical stuff out of the way.
It's hard to be invested when I don't know anything about these people at all.
They like luxury and sex, he's dominant and she's submissive when they have sex.
I don't know what they are like as people, what they are to each other, how well they know each other, if they have a romantic, friendly, or casual-sex type relationship, if they interact at all outside of sex, or what either of them are doing.
I don't know them as individuals, and I don't know them as a couple.
So I don't really know what it is I'm supposed to care about.
All this really needs is some technical fixes, some personality, and some direction.
What is it you're trying to say? what is it the protagonist is trying to say? What conclusion is she coming to?
Good luck.
Hello,
So this was an interesting piece.
I liked the concept and I liked how you kept it brief, broken up into three neat paragraphs—just enough to show a snippet of this relationship. That being said, it maybe felt a little... unfinished? Like, I'm all for a succinct story, but the way it ended was a bit sudden. Hell, the last sentence didn't even have a period at the end (we'll get to that), which really made it feel incomplete. But maybe that was a stylistic choice on your part. In which case, high-fives all around.
I did have a sense for how these two felt about one another, even though the piece was quite short and you didn't spell it out. It seems like you have a strong feel for your characters, and that's always a positive.
Some of the writing was quite good. A sex scene is a tricky thing to write, and I liked how you penned this one, keeping it as a short, slightly-murky overview with just the right amount of sensuality to come off as intriguing but not salacious. Good work with that.
Now for the criticism.
While I do like the idea here and I thought parts of it were good, the execution was definitely flawed. As I said earlier, the ending felt very abrupt. And while I do think we got a good taste of this relationship and these characters, that's all it was: a taste. Keep things brief by all means (that's what a short story is for, right?), but don't be so brief as to leave out key storytelling elements. You want to pull your reader in, show them something compelling, and I can't really say this version of your story did that. It can be fixed, though—there's good bones here, and if you just work on the actual meat a bit, I think you'll have a great story.
...and when I say "meat," to be clear, I'm mainly referring to the emotion and the depth of these characters and this relationship. I want to get inside this girl's head; I want to know how she feels, and how he feels, too. You can do that with dialogue, or with thoughts, but it's very hard to do that with just action—which is pretty much all this story is. I want to feel some emotion; I want to feel this story's pulse. A sense of conflict would go a long way as well. At this point, it seems like they have a pretty content relationship. Where's the issue? Why is this a story? Show us the flaws of their partnership, and—ideally—of them as people, as well. Show us the messy parts and the sadness and not just the sex and the food. You know?
Additionally, this piece was loaded with grammatical errors. Here's a roundup:
There's always a space after a comma. You make this error a couple of a times throughout the story.
This is a verryyyy long sentence. Nothing wrong with long sentences in general, but this one's really more of a run-on. Shorten it a bit; break it up. I actually think shorter, choppier sentences would work better for this particular piece.
It's spelled "though."
So, since you're using a third-person narrator, it feels a bit weird when the off-screen, disembodied voice narrating these events uses the term "I mean." An off-screen, disembodied voice narrator is pretty much always going to sound odd when using the words "I" or "me," etc (unless of course the third-person narrator is woven into the story and a character in their own right).
Ellipsis are three dots—not two. This is another mistake that's repeated a few times in the piece. Also, the T in "the" should be lowercase.
Couple of things wrong with this. First, "hand" is repetitive." Second, "raced though her back" just sounds weird—maybe try "raced down her back" or "raced over her back"? And lastly, remember what I said about how there's always a space following a comma?
She's wearing a gown and pants? That's dedication.
Let them drop.
It's actually spelled "wouldn't."
Comma after "sex," the F in the second "fine" should be lowercase, I don't know why you wrote "she thought still", and there should be a period at the end, following "body." Always, always conclude a sentence with punctation—period, question mark, exclamation point, whatever.
So, overall: I like the bones. I like the idea. I think the execution needs improvement, but fix it up a bit and you're going to have a really nice story.
Keep writing!