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Young Writers Society



TH ebeggar on teh street

by blackwings_angel


“The Beggar on the Street”

Everdark, everywhere,
The world first was.
Then He came, undid our shame,
For that was how it was done.
He spun his web;
With choices full
Each of us a strand
Tangled together,
Artwork as one.
Separate we cannot stand.
To the ocean’s depths
To the skies width
He is always there.
Around every corner,
Meeting every stare.
Disguised as a beggar.
With only rags to wear.
Eyes like daggers
Reading those he made.
Silently smiling
With his cup out stretched
Hoping that we will give back our share.

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1274 Reviews

Points: 35799
Reviews: 1274

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Fri Feb 16, 2007 11:03 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



This is actually pretty good for a rhyming poem.

1)Please have a title with correct spelling/grammar in it. You may have just been typing too fast, but people will be turned off by that.

2) Use punctuation correctly. Periods do not belong at the end of sentence fragments unless there's a darn good reason for it, which there isn't here.

3)This isn't necessary, but separating it into stanzas would make it easier for the reader to see which lines fit together.

4)

To the ocean's depths
To the skies widths


I would suggest "From" instead of "To"in the first line, and "sky's" not "skies".

I like the idea behind this, although it does make me think of that song "What if God was one of us?/Just a slob like one of us?..." Overall, pretty good. Keep writing! :)





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