Firecrow

by blackwings_angel

  • Short Story
  • Action / Adventure

Published December 13, 2006

“Guardian Firecrow, I need to ask you an important question.” The young Ankh Indian named Aviator or in the Ankh language “one with the winged,” said. “Yes Aviator how can I help you?” The little boy looked uncertain. “I was wondering, can you tell me the story of how you became guardian again?” The little boy made his most innocent face with his biggest puppy dog eyes. The guardian chuckled. “Of course I will aviator.” The next hour was filled with wows and gasps coming from little Aviators mouth. The palace in Ankh was always a joyful place full of merriment, music, story telling, and glee. When the masters let their apprentices play and have fun they would all flock to the palace courtyard where they would play games like hunter and the bird or listen to the wonderful adventures Firecrow went through. Even though Firecrow was only three years older than the senior apprentices he still was renounced as the wisest man of their city. Even the elderly came to Firecrow to answer their questions. Myakka was a year younger than Firecrow yet still went through the same thing in the sewing circle, the meetings the matriarchs of each family gathered at. The young girls loved hearing about her hero Firecrow saved her from the brink of danger and how romantic, cunning, sweet, smart, handsome, brave, strong, her list to describe Firecrow went on and on.

That day Firecrow was called to a meeting with the helion tribe in the island of Taku meeting. Here all the tribes on the island of Taku met, discussed issues and social affairs. This months meeting was a very special one. His daughter Eve would choose who she would marry to create unity between two of the tribes on Taku. It was her choice, yet Firecrow was still uncertain why his three year old daughter had to make her decision now? Only time would tell how she would marry not some boy who waves at her during the meeting. Why did princesses have to choose at such a young age?

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review Review · Sep 20, 2022

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Guardian Firecrow, I need to ask you an important question.” The young Ankh Indian named Aviator or in the Ankh language “one with the winged,” said. “Yes Aviator how can I help you?” The little boy looked uncertain. “I was wondering, can you tell me the story of how you became guardian again?” The little boy made his most innocent face with his biggest puppy dog eyes. The guardian chuckled. “Of course I will aviator.” The next hour was filled with wows and gasps coming from little Aviators mouth. The palace in Ankh was always a joyful place full of merriment, music, story telling, and glee. When the masters let their apprentices play and have fun they would all flock to the palace courtyard where they would play games like hunter and the bird or listen to the wonderful adventures Firecrow went through. Even though Firecrow was only three years older than the senior apprentices he still was renounced as the wisest man of their city. Even the elderly came to Firecrow to answer their questions. Myakka was a year younger than Firecrow yet still went through the same thing in the sewing circle, the meetings the matriarchs of each family gathered at. The young girls loved hearing about her hero Firecrow saved her from the brink of danger and how romantic, cunning, sweet, smart, handsome, brave, strong, her list to describe Firecrow went on and on.


Besides the paragraph situation, this does actually have a pretty intriguing vibe here. We've got two very interesting characters that seems as if there is a lot more worldbuilding behind them that immediately meets the eye here. It certainly does more than enough to get one's attention here. I find myself pretty intrigued by what could be behind all of this. You really build it up nicely without dipping too far into just narrating a whole lot of things.

That day Firecrow was called to a meeting with the helion tribe in the island of Taku meeting. Here all the tribes on the island of Taku met, discussed issues and social affairs. This months meeting was a very special one. His daughter Eve would choose who she would marry to create unity between two of the tribes on Taku. It was her choice, yet Firecrow was still uncertain why his three year old daughter had to make her decision now? Only time would tell how she would marry not some boy who waves at her during the meeting. Why did princesses have to choose at such a young age?


Well that was not an ending that I was expecting to see on here. It most certainly managed to catch me by surprise here. It certainly went in a direction that I wasn't expecting to go in, especially given how it dived a little deeper into emotions than I thought it would. It certainly leaves you thinking a lot more than I expected it to here. I think it certainly makes for a powerful, albeit admittedly a little incomplete ending.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

User avatar
gsppcrocks10
Review
gsppcrocks10 wrote a review Review · Jul 12, 2010

Hello, I'm Gsp or Crocky, and I will be your reviewer today!

I'm really sorry, but I tend to rip stories to shreds. I am not responsible if I reduce you to tears or anything like that.

Now with that said, on to the review!

“Guardian Firecrow, I need to ask you an important question.” The young Ankh Indian named Aviator or in the Ankh language “one with the winged,” said. “Yes Aviator how can I help you?” The little boy looked uncertain. “I was wondering, can you tell me the story of how you became guardian again?” The little boy made his most innocent face with his biggest puppy dog eyes. The guardian chuckled. “Of course I will aviator.” The next hour was filled with wows and gasps coming from little Aviators mouth. The palace in Ankh was always a joyful place full of merriment, music, story telling, and glee. When the masters let their apprentices play and have fun they would all flock to the palace courtyard where they would play games like hunter and the bird or listen to the wonderful adventures Firecrow went through. Even though Firecrow was only three years older than the senior apprentices he still was renounced as the wisest man of their city. Even the elderly came to Firecrow to answer their questions. Myakka was a year younger than Firecrow yet still went through the same thing in the sewing circle, the meetings the matriarchs of each family gathered at. The young girls loved hearing about her hero Firecrow saved her from the brink of danger and how romantic, cunning, sweet, smart, handsome, brave, strong, her list to describe Firecrow went on and on.


Wow that's a big block of text. o.o

Okay, first things first. Split that up into smaller paragraphs. Also, every time there's a new line of dialogue, add a new paragraph.

“Guardian Firecrow, I need to ask you an important question.” The young Ankh Indian named Aviator or in the Ankh language “one with the winged,” said. “Yes Aviator how can I help you?” The little boy looked uncertain. “I was wondering, can you tell me the story of how you became guardian again?” The little boy made his most innocent face with his biggest puppy dog eyes. The guardian chuckled. “Of course I will aviator.”


Instead of that, do this.

“Guardian Firecrow, I need to ask you an important question.” The young Ankh Indian named Aviator or in the Ankh language “one with the winged,” said.

“Yes Aviator how can I help you?”

The little boy looked uncertain. “I was wondering, can you tell me the story of how you became guardian again?” The little boy made his most innocent face with his biggest puppy dog eyes.

The guardian chuckled. “Of course I will aviator.”


And so on. And once again, SMALLER PARAGRAPHS. Nobody wants to read a huge chunk of text, trust me.

And now it's time for me to rip your story to shreds. Brace yourself.

Ready?

Are you sure?

Okay.

“Guardian Firecrow, I need to ask you an important question.” The young Ankh Indian named Aviator or in the Ankh language “one with the winged,” said.


Mmkay, I don't really want to point out what's wrong with the bits and pieces. I'll just show you the before thing, and what I would do with it.

“Guardian Firecrow, I need to ask you an important question,” the young Ankh Indian named Aviator, or in the Ankh language, “one with the wings,” said.


I think I got that right. I'm not sure if you meant "one with the wings" or "one of the winged".

“Yes Aviator how can I help you?”


Do we get a description of this "Firecrow" person?

“Yes Aviator, how can I help you?”


And now this.

The little boy looked uncertain. “I was wondering, can you tell me the story of how you became guardian again?” The little boy made his most innocent face with his biggest puppy dog eyes.


Try this.

The little boy looked uncertain. “I was wondering, can you tell me the story of how you became a guardian again?” The little boy made the most innocent face he could muster, with his biggest puppy dog eyes.


I'm not sure "puppy dog eyes" would be the best words to describe it, but since I can't think of anything better...

The guardian chuckled. “Of course I will aviator.” The next hour was filled with wows and gasps coming from little Aviators mouth. The palace in Ankh was always a joyful place full of merriment, music, story telling, and glee.


Mmkay, as a general rule titles (Guardian) and names (Aviator) are capitalized.

The guardian chuckled. “Of course I will, Aviator.”

The next hour was filled with gasps and sounds of awe coming from little Aviator's mouth. The palace in Ankh was always a joyful place, full of merriment, music, story telling, and glee.


When the masters let their apprentices play and have fun they would all flock to the palace courtyard where they would play games like hunter and the bird or listen to the wonderful adventures Firecrow went through. Even though Firecrow was only three years older than the senior apprentices he still was renounced as the wisest man of their city.


I didn't find too much here, but I would try to find some other way to put the first sentence.

When the masters let their apprentices play and have fun they would all flock to the palace courtyard, where they would play games like hunter and the bird or listen to the wonderful adventures Firecrow went through. Even though Firecrow was only three years older than the senior apprentices he still was renounced as the wisest man of their city.


Even the elderly came to Firecrow to answer their questions. Myakka was a year younger than Firecrow yet still went through the same thing in the sewing circle, the meetings the matriarchs of each family gathered at. The young girls loved hearing about her hero Firecrow saved her from the brink of danger and how romantic, cunning, sweet, smart, handsome, brave, strong, her list to describe Firecrow went on and on.


Who is Myakka? What does he/she have to do with this? And why is a meeting of matriarchs called a sewing circle?

Even the elderly came to Firecrow to answer their questions. Myakka was a year younger than Firecrow, yet still went through the same thing in the sewing circle, the meetings the matriarchs of each family gathered at. The young girls loved hearing about her hero Firecrow, and how he saved her from the brink of danger and how romantic, cunning, sweet, smart, handsome, brave, strong... her list to describe Firecrow went on and on.


That day Firecrow was called to a meeting with the helion tribe in the island of Taku meeting. Here all the tribes on the island of Taku met, discussed issues and social affairs. This months meeting was a very special one. His daughter Eve would choose who she would marry to create unity between two of the tribes on Taku.


The beginning seems a little repetitive.

That day Firecrow was called to a meeting with the helion tribe. Here all the tribes on the island of Taku met and discussed issues and social affairs. This months meeting was a very special one. His daughter Eve would choose who she would marry to create unity between two of the tribes on Taku.


That looks much better to me.

It was her choice, yet Firecrow was still uncertain why his three year old daughter had to make her decision now? Only time would tell how she would marry not some boy who waves at her during the meeting. Why did princesses have to choose at such a young age?


Three years old? Wow. I like how you didn't mention her age until now. The first sentence would be considered a statement, not a question.

It was her choice, yet Firecrow was still uncertain why his three year old daughter had to make her decision now. Only time would tell; what if she married some boy who waved to her during the meeting? Why did princesses have to choose at such a young age?


Alright, that's it for my specific stuff. Now for an overall.

I think this could use more descriptions. What do Firecrow, Aviator, and the city look like? Why is Firecrow so revered? Remember; "show, don't tell".

In my opinion this story has quite a bit of potential, but it definitely needs some work. If you want any help with it feel free to ask me.

Happy YWSing!

~Gsp

User avatar
jDawn
Review
jDawn wrote a review Review · Jul 12, 2010

Hello! I am Jessica and I will be reviewing Firecrow today!

First of all, I think the story has potential though I wasn't completely getting the whole thing. It could have been a tad more descriptive. It might help the reader understand what is happening and what this short story is about.

Now, onto grammar and spelling stuff. It was hard to tell the difference between dialog and description. You do know that when you insert dialog, it becomes a paragraph of it's own? Yep. the first paragraph could have become two paragraphs to help the reader's focus too.

Overall, I believe that you have a skill for writing and the story has a lot of potential. Keep writing! :smt003

- Jessica



The continuation of our world depends more on the survival of the kindest than it does on the survival of the fittest.
— Arcticus